What is a five letter word for coffee lightener? Crosswords are puzzles of choice for those of you who love words.
\You use words every day to communicate your thoughts and feelings. Most people simply talk without thinking of the words used. You simply say what is on your mind. But words have a greater power than asking for or imparting information. Using words, or your linguistic ability, has been proven to be a good training ground for your brain.
\Learning and using new words can increase brain power. In his ground breaking study of 678 nuns Dr. David Snowdon describes the importance of linguistic ability as a possible defense against Alzheimer’s Disease. Dr. Snowdon cites autobiographies of nuns as they entered the convent as a reliable diagnostic tool for predicting which of the nuns was most likely to suffer with Alzheimer’s Disease later in life. I highly recommend “Aging With Grace: What the Nun Study Teaches Us About Leading Longer, Healthier, and More Meaningful Lives.” Learning new vocabulary, as a way of exercising your linguistic ability, helps to stimulate neuropathways. Learning a new language (even simply learning to count to ten) is a good mental workout. Learning the derivation of words, finding root words, looking for synonyms, antonyms, or palindromes – (a word, phrase or sentence that reads the same backward or forward – example – STRAW and WARTS) provides your brain with mental flexibility and keeps those synapses firing.
\ Try this: create as many common words as you can, using each of the following letters only once:
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A D E I L M N S (I stopped at 41). Another way to work your brain with words is an exercise I give my students as homework. They are invited to remember a list of words. I begin with four words and build up to ten. Remember: use it or lose it!
Words also have power in that you become what you think. If you think positive thoughts, you are more likely to develop a positive attitude. Journaling things you are thankful for is a great way to prepare your mind for a good night’s sleep.
\Power also comes from journaling your thoughts. Journaling becomes cathartic – when you can put something into words, it loses the power to hurt you. When you write something out, it often helps to clear your mind and order your thoughts. Writing, reading and reading aloud, often gives you a new perspective on something you have been wrestling with.
\ I work with a process of writing your autobiography. People write out segments of their lives according to assigned topics and then share that portion of their lives in a small group setting. It is amazing what happens when you train your brain to remember segments of your life. This material may also become a gift to leave to children or grandchildren. My daughter was delighted to discover aspects of my life that she had never known as she read my weekly assignments. Words have power – use them wisely."; bBText[2] = "A picture is worth 1,000 words. Many adults describe themselves as visual learners. Statistically these folks self report to comprise 87% of the adult population. Visual learners must “see” something in order to fully understand it. Are you nodding your head “yes”? If you are one of these people, your brain is wired in such a way as to create meaning through visual clues as found in maps, graphs and diagrams. Visual learners love PowerPoint – when it contains more than just words! A visual image provides clarity of interpretation and sets the content into context. Think about it!
\Visual learners are also very good at using this intelligence to judge distances and how fast something is coming at you. This intelligence is what enables you to interpret how much content will fit into any space – luggage in the trunk, spaghetti sauce in a storage container or your car in a parking space. You have come to rely on this sense and intelligence to define your movements as well as your understanding.
\Vision is a very complex procedure. It tells your brain many things beyond color and shape. Some of the aspects of vision that help your brain to comprehend are movement, depth, breadth, texture, shading (did you realize there are at least 57 shades of green?), contrast and brightness. Your vision helps in recognition of familiar objects and facial features.
\Most of us do not pay as much attention to our vision as we might. Vision is a great memory tool. Remember, “paying attention” is a huge part of memory. When you meet someone, really look at the person. Pay attention to their coloring, facial features and some significant aspect such as height, if they are wearing glasses or their posture. Please note, I did not mention what they are wearing. This doesn’t help much as people tend to change clothes on a regular basis. Anchor these identifying characteristics in your brain and make associations. The visual clues will help you to remember.
\When you park your car or enter the mall, take a visual account of the area around you. Look for aisle numbers or departments in the store. Look! Notice things and record them in your memory to help you locate your exit or aisle in which you have parked your car. Concentrate on your vision and it becomes a great tool.
\ Remember when you thought your mother had eyes in the back of her head? You believed her because she knew what you were doing even when her back was turned to you. Your occipital lobe (responsible for vision) is located in the back of your head. Now, we know that is not where we actually see from, but that’s the brain space that holds responsibility for much of your visual comprehension. Train yourself to really see things, to pay attention. Your brain will thank you as it gains a greater ability to recall information gathered through your visual intelligence."; bBText[3] = "We hear a great deal about antioxidants, but we may not be sure what they are or why they are important. Here is a basic explanation.
\What happens when you cut an apple in half and lay it on the counter? Within minutes it begins to turn brown. The oxidation process has begun. You can prevent this from happening by simply dipping the cut side of the apple in lemon juice – high in vitamin C. In a similar process, your body uses vitamins called antioxidants to help fight the damage caused by oxidation. Your brain produces energy from oxygen and glucose and must get rid of extra oxygen molecules that are known as free radicals. Many scientists think these free radicals are partially to blame for your aging body and brain, as well as some diseases, including Alzheimer's, cancer and heart disease. Three big ones, to be sure!
\So what defense do you have against these free radicals? By eating a diet rich in foods and vitamins containing antioxidants, you can fight and in some cases repair damage that has been done to your brain or body or both.
\Scientists the world over are conducting studies and coming up with similar findings: those persons suffering from dementia and Alzheimer's have higher than normal levels of enzymes that play a role in oxidation and low levels of antioxidants. The excitement continues to grow as more and more evidence comes in supporting the fact that antioxidants, particularly vitamins A, C and E (just think of your A–C–E in the hole against brain disease) may slow the symptoms of dementia. What a blessing. Be sure to check with your doctor before taking anything beyond a basic multivitamin because very high doses of some vitamins may be harmful.
\I want to share a neat recipe that I have reconstructed. I have two of these wonderful morsels daily to be certain I get my antioxidants and fiber. Every ingredient adds to your healthy brain.
\Barbara's Brain Boosters
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1/2 cup ground nuts - I use almonds or walnuts
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1 Tbs ground flax seed (you can omit this, but it is healthy for you)
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10 dried plums (a.k.a. prunes - the orange flavored ones are best)
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10 dried apricots
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1 Tbs grated orange rind
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1 Tbs orange juice
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1 Tbs honey
Chop nuts fine - set aside 2Tbs.
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Grind flax seed (I use a coffee grinder); mix with remaining chopped nuts.
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Chop dried plums and apricots. Set into a small bowl.
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Wash and grate one orange peel – add grated peel to bowl.
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Add the orange juice and honey.
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Add 2 Tbs of nut mixture.
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Mix ingredients well.
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Lay out a piece of wax paper. Make grape sized balls of the mixture and roll them in the remaining nuts. Place on wax paper. Store in an airtight container or refrigerate.
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Satisfy your sweet tooth while giving your brain a healthy boost.
“I am one with my body. I am one with my mind.” Yoga poster.
\Balance is something to strive for in all areas of life. Today we are going to focus on your need for physical balance to live your life fully and comfortably. Falls are the major reasons that keep companies who make crutches and wheelchairs in business. To remain steady on your feet requires a good sense of balance. Your brain plays a large part in this act of balancing, even though you are unaware of all the intricate processes going on.
\To keep your balance, your brain requires a constant flow of information from various parts of your body including eyes, muscles, joints, semicircular canals in your inner ear, and sensory nerves in your skin. The cerebellum is the part of your brain responsible for collecting this information and relaying it to other areas of the brain to coordinate all of the movements of your body. Bet you didn't know how hard your brain works!
\As you age, (and we all do every day) your sense of balance may not be as sharp as it once was. Balancing is an activity that you can practice and improve. Just as a child learns to balance by walking on a piece of tape on the floor, so can you. Place a piece of duct tape on your kitchen floor. Practice walking it each day. You will be amazed at how much effort it takes. With practice, it becomes easier. Your brain is being retrained.
\A balance practice I use in my classes is to have participants bounce a ball for several minutes each day. This simple act improves eye/hand coordination, depth perception and balance. Bounce a ball as you wait for the water to boil or during a commercial on TV. Floor works better than carpet. As you improve, switch hands and/or find a spot on the floor and aim for it each time you bounce the ball. You are training your brain.
\Another exercise from the world of Yoga (incredibly good for your brain and your body) is to stand with both feet planted firmly on the floor, shoulder width apart. Shift your weight slowly to your left leg. Stretch your arms out to the side. Focus your eyes on a spot in the room several feet away. Once you are focused, slide your right leg up until your right ankle is next to your left calf. Begin by balancing on one foot for thirty seconds. Then switch to standing on your right leg and raising your left knee. Practice this Yoga exercise each day to achieve a greater sense of body balance that will help you in managing to navigate your world. You may want to begin by holding on to a chair.
\ Practicing these simple exercises each day will help you to maintain your balance as you go about your daily routines. Good balance may help you to avoid falls which cause major problems and often include becoming very familiar with those crutches and wheelchairs."; bBText[5] = "Chinese Proverb – “To create balance in life, carry a melon in each hand.”
\Balance is a critical aspect in all areas of your life. Physical balance helps to keep you from being a victim and ending up on crutches or spending your days in a wheelchair. Practice strengthening your balance as a way to enhance your life. There is another aspect of balance that can have a positive or negative effect on your life. Arguably, this aspect of balance is just as important to create a healthy and long productive life.
\Two items can reveal a great deal about the balance in the rest of your life: your calendar and your checkbook/credit card bill. Your calendar is very revealing. Take a minute and examine your calendar. Look closely and note the balance of activities and “white space?” White space is the time that you have left open and free to do whatever life presents. White space is down time to take a deep breath, to reflect and regroup. White space is critical to your being – your brain needs it. If you find little (or no) white space, it is time to do some reevaluation of your life. Aim for balance.
\The other thing your calendar reveals is the kind of activities that fill your days. Are the spaces filled in with long meetings and other events that tug at your spirit and drain your energy? Carefully check each of the items on your calendar. There are some things you cannot avoid, but… there are other “shoulds” that you may want to examine and ask yourself if the world will continue spinning if you don’t show up. Ask yourself how you might use your time more productively and positively for your brain. Create times and places to add activities that will improve your mental and physical functioning. You are worth it!
\Now, examine your checkbook and/or credit card bill. This is also very revealing. This revelation is very explicit and points to what you consider priorities in your life. Are your checks made out to places that provide instant gratification and material “stuff” that clutters your home and provides a minute’s worth of joy? Or are your checks made out to places and people that can make the world a better place? Helping others by contributing to research that searches for cures; or food to feed those who are hungry; or warm clothing or providing shelter for those that are homeless, is a gift that keeps on giving. Giving to others makes the world a better place. It also keeps those wonderful endorphins – the feel good chemicals - helping your brain to remain fit and functioning. Aim for balance.
\ Examine these two items and take stock of how you choose to live your life and share your resources. Remember, every action affects your brain. Take time to make wise choices that will contribute to keeping your precious brain fit and functioning for a very long time. It is within your power. Just do it!"; bBText[6] = "My name is Barbara Bruce. I am an educator with a passion for learning how the human brain is capable of maintaining fitness and function as we age.
\Everyone wants to know how to keep his/her brain fit. Evidence of this fact is found in cover articles in professional journals as well as in such popular magazines as Time, Newsweek, National Geographic, Scientific American, Health and even Money. We want to know.
\My research is empirical. I read books, attend training seminars, participate in clinical research and teach this fascinating topic both locally and nationally.
\Locally I teach Mental Aerobics as part of the Gerontology Certification Program at Lifespan. I also teach at Oasis, in many local assisted living complexes, and with other groups who are interested in maintaining brain fitness.
\For the next several weeks I will address several aspects of maintaining brain fitness and functioning. This topic is NOT strictly for those of Baby Boomer age and older. This topic needs to be of critical interest for all of us. It is never too early or too late to take care of the most important and fascinating organ in the universe – your brain.
\People have been fascinated with the functioning of the brain since the time of Aristotle and Plato. However, we have learned more about the functioning of the human brain in the last three decades than in all of human history combined. This is due to the 1990’s being designated as the “decade of the brain” and to the wonders of technology in the form of PET and CAT scans, MRIs and fMRIs. Due to these amazing technological advances we can now actually watch the brain as it functions. I have seen it on a screen at a brain conference. The possibilities that are expanding daily fall most clearly into the realms of science, medicine, psychology and education, but truly affect all aspects of life.
\My research is also passionate. I switched my energy and passion from the learning brain to the aging brain many years ago; the day when I went to give my father a hug and he did not know who I was. I decided to fight brain loss. I was determined to learn and teach all I learned.
\I teach because, as a true educator, I must systematically apply and teach what I learn. I teach because, while there is evidence that both nurture and nature affect who we are, they do not have to determine who we are. Evidence is growing that, because we have the freedom of choice, we can choose behaviors to maintain our brain and body.
\Using this awareness of our freedom and power to choose is affirming because it can excite our sense of possibility and potential. There is no excuse.
\ ALL actions have consequences. This is why I teach brain fitness. I invite you to join me for the next several weeks and learn time-tested tools and techniques to maintain the fitness and functioning of YOUR BRAIN."; bBText[7] = "Some things you wanted to know about your brain, but didn’t know who to ask… Your brain is the most amazing organ in the universe. No two brains are identical. However, with that statement in mind, there are some general and genetic similarities.
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Your brain:
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• Weighs about three pounds. (Think cantaloupe.)
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• Can fit in a shoe box. (Men’s size 8.)
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• Has two hemispheres. The left controls the right side of your body; the right controls the left side of your body. The hemispheres are connected by the Corpus callosum: a bridge of nerve fibers responsible for communication between them. The male brain is a tiny bit larger, but the Corpus callosum in the female brain is stronger. (We can multitask with greater efficiency.)
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• Each hemisphere has several “lobes” and each lobe has a different function:
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Frontal lobe deals with higher level thinking - located in the front of your brain.
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Occipital lobe deals with vision processing - located in the very back of your brain. (Remember when you thought your mother had eyes in the back of her head?)
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Parietal lobe deals with movement, orientation and some recognition – located at the top of your brain.
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Temporal lobe deals with sound and speech comprehension - located on the lower side around your ears. (Think headphones – what we used before ipods.)
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• Has roughly 3,976,849,217 (that’s billion with a B) brain cells called neurons.
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• Is comprised of about 78% water. Your brain does not function optimally if it is dehydrated. Your brain needs the recommended 6-8 glasses of water each day. Drink up! (Notice I did not say lemonade or soft drinks.)
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• Is the color of uncooked liver.
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• Is the shape of a walnut.
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• Is the consistency of cold butter. (Always wear a helmet when cycling.)
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• Is covered by a boney structure, the skull. (Always wear a helmet when cycling.)
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• Is covered by a rumpled outer layer called the cerebral cortex, the “gray matter.” This cortex is responsible for abilities unique to humans, such as abstract thought, memory and language. If this cortex were stretched out it would be the size of a page of your morning newspaper.
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• Has “plasticity,” meaning it can be continuously changed (molded and shaped) until you die. (It’s never too late to improve your brain function.)
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• Has a “brain stem” that is a connection to the spinal cord which receives sensory input and monitors vital functions such as heartbeat, temperature, and digestion. (When was the last time you had to remind your brain to make your heart beat, eyes blink, breathe in and out?)
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• Has a small structure at the very base of the main mass of the brain called the cerebellum, or “little brain.”
This is the first day of the rest of your life. You have the power to choose to live a lifestyle that will be beneficial to maintaining brain fitness and functioning.
\Diet – Not as in, “I am on a diet,” but rather as a lifestyle choice – a positive behavioral modification with astounding results for brain fitness. Your brain needs the nutrients provided by certain kinds of foods to function optimally.
\You are what you eat! You make choices each day between healthy, brain rich foods that contain powerful nutrients to keep your brain healthy or sugar laden, empty caloried, artery clogging foods that are unhealthy for your brain.
\We all know about the nutritional value of “green leafy” vegetables, but to know and not do is really not to know. Think about it. You can fill your refrigerator with nutrient dense, rich colored fruits and vegetables OR sugar and (bad) fat filled items that are calorie laden and nutrient poor. I can see you saying, “Oh no…I’m not giving up my frosty flakes and doughnuts.” To paraphrase a cliché, “Nothing tastes as good as a clear-thinking brain feels!”
\I suggest a food inventory as a first step in choosing a brain healthy life. Discard and avoid as much as possible (I used to say eliminate until the participants began throwing things at me) in the following categories comprised of five W’s and a T:
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• white Sugar – A no-brainer. Neither your brain nor body need all that sugar. It is hidden everywhere. Substitute honey as a natural sweetener, and use it sparingly. Develop a taste for the natural goodness of foods.
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• white Salt – Do not salt food as you cook. Remove it from the table. If “cold turkey” seems too harsh, wean yourself. Use herbs and non-salt seasonings to enhance rather than hide the flavor of your food.
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• white Flour – It is the basis of most foods consumed today. Choose instead all the nutritionally rich whole grains/multigrain products which are abundant and are nutrient rich for brain and body.
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• white Rice – Sample the goodness of the nutlike flavor of brown rice, or the taste bud delights of long grain and wild rice. The “cooks in a minute” white rice has been stripped of all nutrition, not to mention taste.
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• white Fat that is found in the marbling of most red meat. Eat small amounts of red meats. Choose instead fish and skinless chicken.
Transfats – Unless you have been living in a cave, you know how bad transfats are for you body and your brain. The government has stepped in to force manufacturers to label the percentage of transfats in all products. Retrain your taste buds to the flavors of fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains and fish. The darker the colors of fruits and vegetables, the more nutrient dense they are and the better for your brain. Do your brain a favor – you are what you eat.
\ P.S. A small piece of dark chocolate is good for your brain!"; bBText[9] = "What’s good for your heart is good for your brain.
\Exercise - you knew this was coming right?
\Your brain needs to be constantly replenished with oxygen rich blood. The best way to accomplish that is to exercise. After you stop rolling your eyes, listen. I am not talking about running a marathon. I am talking about activities such as walking (you already know how), swimming (many high schools, gyms and health clubs have water exercise classes), bicycling (stationary or regular). If you really get into it, jogging, playing (singles) tennis, and hiking are good aerobic sports to keep oxygen rich blood pumping straight to your brain.
\You do not need to compete (unless you are wired that way), but you do need some physical exercise each day. Exercise helps your body remain flexible. It builds muscle strength and keeps unwanted fat from accumulating in your body. One easy way to begin is to park as far away from the grocery store/mall as possible. This simple action will add extra steps to your daily routine. Invest in a pedometer. It is roughly a $30.00 investment and will provide objective information about your activity level. Most people think they move far more than they do (I was guilty as charged). If you have not been in the habit of exercising, start slowly. Walk for ten minutes, three times each day and work up to thirty minutes at one session. Aim for 10,000 steps a day - not impossible, simply disciplinary
\Everyone has 1,440 minutes in each day. How you use your allotment comes down to the choices you make. Fit and flexible or couch potato – the choice is yours every day. “But, I don’t have the time.” is the most often voiced excuse for not becoming physically active. If time is a real issue, consider this: the time spent exercising is the most valuable time of your day. It is a gift of sound brain and strong body that will pay long range dividends. If your goal is to remain physically and mentally fit, you can’t afford not to exercise!
\Another type of brain friendly exercise is yoga. This practice helps you to strengthen muscles and promote balance well into 70’s and 80’s. While not aerobic, yoga works on core muscles to allow you to feel and look better (while you are walking from the furthest spot in the parking lot). Yoga poses force your brain to work differently, telling your body to move in new ways.
\Yet another way to exercise - I have worked with 90 year olds who exercise with weights (albeit 1 pound weights). Using weights or resistance builds muscle and uses energy more efficiently. A balance of aerobic, yoga, and weight resistance exercise will keep you fit and functioning.
\ These older exercising folks are my role models. They are keeping both brain and body fit and functioning well into advanced years. You can do it; so can I. It is a matter of knowing and then doing what you know is right."; bBText[10] = "You are driving a bus across town. Six people get on at the first stop; three people get off at the next stop and two get on; no one gets off at the next stop, and three people get on at the next stop. What is the bus driver’s name?
\Challenge - Mental Aerobics – Use it or lose it.
\Just as your brain needs the benefits of physical exercise, it also requires mental exercise. Your brain is an organ, but for the moment think of it as a muscle. What happens when your muscles do not get used? They begin to atrophy (shrivel up). Your mental muscles atrophy with lack of use as well. Your brain needs consistent stimulation to keep it functioning optimally. So, you ask with anticipation, how do I exercise my brain?
\“Relatively easily,” she says confidently. Right now, turn this page upside down and continue to read this article. Can you do it? Sure you can, your brain is amazing. Reading upside down is a good workout for your brain. Read one upside down paragraph (or more if you find it fun and don’t mind the strange glances you will receive) each day.
\There are a host of other ways you can exercise your mental muscle. You might:
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• Learn a new language. Then learn all you can about the country. Then visit it!
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• Read a magazine (right side up, please) in a new field.
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• Do crossword puzzles. (Usually the fact that people do crossword puzzles is the first comment I receive when I tell people what I do.)
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• Do Sidoku.
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• Learn a new sport.
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• Read something intriguing and/or knowledge building.
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• Read a mystery and figure out “who done it.” (No fair reading the last chapter.)
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• Learn to play bridge, chess or mahjong.
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• Grow a garden. Learn about plants indigenous to your area.
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• Freeze vegetables for year-round goodness.
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• Make jam. (The sugarless kind is great.)
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• Learn to knit or crochet or do macramé.
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• Learn to weave.
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• Learn to…
You get the picture. Choose something you have always wanted to do, and never have taken the time or energy to learn. Even learning to manage a new program on your computer or creating a PowerPoint™ of your friends and family is a wonderful exercise for your brain. The activity does not matter. What matters is the mental aerobics involved in the learning.
\I play computer games – Taipei, Spider Solitaire, Free Cell. These games focus my attention, stretch my mental ability and force me to think creatively of ways to play. Please note winning doesn’t matter (unless you are highly competitive) nearly as much as the strategies you employ to play. Often I will play a Spider Solitaire (level 2) game four or five times before I win. Again, finding the winning path by making your brain work hard is the goal. Winning is merely an extrinsic bonus to exercising your brain.
\ P.S. The answer is “your name” – read the question again and decide why."; bBText[11] = "Write your name. Now write your name with your other hand. How did it feel? You just gave your brain a mini workout.
\Novelty – (the flip side of the challenge coin) – is yet another way to give your brain a needed workout. When you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got. (With apologies to the grammar police.) When you do the same things in the same ways you have always done them, your brain shifts into “auto pilot” and does not have to work very hard. This is not a good thing. I suggest that you find things (that you always do) and do them in a new and/or different way.
\Here are several ideas to jump start your brain:
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• eat a meal with your other (non-preferred) hand.
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• use your computer mouse with your other (non-preferred) hand.
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• sit in a different place at the dinner table (or place of worship).
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• take a different way home from anywhere.
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• brush your teeth with your other hand. (Warning – Be careful! A tooth brush can do damage to the inside of your cheek. Trust me!)
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• describe everyday things in great detail – force your brain to take notice.
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• try a new kind of food or restaurant.
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• walk a familiar route and make at least three discoveries that you never noticed.
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• find an outrageous outfit (on sale, of course) in a style you never have worn. (Try it or buy, depending on your need for a new you.)
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• watch a TV show you have never seen before.
Another means of kicking your brain into a higher gear is to concentrate on using all of your senses. Each of your senses is located in a different part of your brain. The more senses you incorporate into your daily routine, the more efficiently your brain will store information. For example, most of us go through our day without taking time to “smell the roses” - literally and figuratively. When you eat, take time to look at your food, smell it, experience the texture, before you taste it.
\Try finding your way around a (very) familiar part of your home blindfolded. Your brain is so used to depending upon your visual sense that it will have to work harder using your other senses to find its way around. Very good brain stimulation (as long as you make sure of your safety).
\“Trying these activities was fun, but how is this kind of activity good for my brain?” you might ask curiously.
\ My answer: Your brain was designed to respond to what is different or novel. This novelty nudges your brain to take note and respond. Brain imaging technology has provided information stating that when your brain is engaged in novel or challenging activities, more of it “lights up” or becomes activated. Engaging your brain by responding to new stimuli and situations will help to keep it strong and in good working order as you age. This is a good thing!"; bBText[12] = "Love makes the world go ‘round – and helps your brain, too.
\Love. We are herd creatures. We need each other. What the world needs now is love… As herd creatures we are wired to gather with others for community. In my work with seniors groups I ask why they come. The almost universal answer is “for the community.” The brain stimulation comes from sharing stories, laughter and activities together. Studies have found that when people are isolated, neurons may begin to atrophy. When you are in socially enriched environments, brain cells are exercised by conversation, playing games such as bridge or chess, sharing thoughts, ideas and opinions. You function better mentally in groups.
\Your brain not only wants, but needs community and relationships. Your brain releases “feel good” chemicals called “endorphins” when you are in a satisfying relationship. Relationships take on many forms, most of which include the word “love.” “Love” conjures up many images and has many meanings. Among those meanings are:
\Agape love – doing for others provides such a good feeling that permeates body, mind and spirit. There is always some way to volunteer to help others. Most volunteers say they receive more than they give.
\Eros love – probably doesn’t need any explanation from me. You are on your own here!
\Storge love - (from the Greek) is the word for familial love, such as the love of a parent toward a child. The expanded definition includes close friends and companions. Sometimes there is nothing better than hanging out with good friends to lift spirits or just someone to talk to. Whatever type of love you choose or encounter, your brain will benefit. The endorphins released produce a natural high. (No chemical stimulants needed, with the possible exception of dark chocolate.)
\We know that part of a relationship often involves touch – hugging, holding hands, back rubs to name a few options. While a good hug can make your day, on a greater level human touch is a powerful and healing tool. Many health care facilities include treatments involving touch, such as massage or back rubs. Touch helps patients deal with pain management. The endorphins released ease tension and produce a calming effect. We also know that petting or stoking an animal is helpful for both the “petter” and the “petee.” We know that animals are often residents or invited guests at assisted living facilities to stimulate brain function triggered by touching and petting.
\Dr. Marion Diamond speaks about making a discovery on a trip to Germany to study the behavior of rats. (Did you know your brain is very much like a rat’s brain?) She discovered that the German rats lived one and one half times longer than her rats at Berkeley. After much experimentation, it was discovered that the German rats were stroked when removed from their cages. This was the only variable.
\ If stroking can increase longevity in rats, it most certainly can help us to live longer, healthier, more brain productive lives as well. The research is there. Reach out and touch someone today. Your brain will benefit."; bBText[13] = "Will the only person on this planet who lives without stress please raise your hand?
\Stress - Some is good. Too much is dangerous to your brain.
\Theambulancesirenscreamsit’swarningtogetoutoftheway.Youcan’tmoveyourcar
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becauseyou'restuckinabumpertobumpertrafficjamandyouknowyouwillbelateforyourmeeting.
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Theremustbeanaccidentupahead.Meanwhiletheroadconstructioncrewafewfeetfromyourcaris
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usingajackhammeronthepavementrightbesideyou.Yourealizeyouforgottogetsomethingoutofthe
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freezerfordinnerandthekidsneedapermissionsliptogoontheclassfieldtrip.Ohmy.
You have just entered the stress zone!
\Because of or in spite of our present time and place, we are all subject to stress of one kind or another. Some stress is good. It prepares your brain and/or body to be on high alert and ready for what may be coming next. When a stressful situation occurs, your brain and body react by producing hormones - adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol. These hormones increase heart rate and respiration, send more blood to skeletal muscles, dull pain, and stimulate the immune system. You become mentally alert and all systems are “go.”
\However, if stress levels remain high for a sustained amount of time or if they occur too frequently, your brain and body suffer. Many psychological/medical studies suggest a large percentage of visits to the doctor’s office are due to psychological problems, often the direct result of stress. The way your brain perceives stress determines whether stress is experienced as a panic or a challenge. While normal stress protects the body in times of threat, prolonged stress may potentially damage both your brain and your body.
\“All well and good,” you say. “Stress happens. What can I do about it?”
\“There are several right answers,” she says confidently. First, in my classes I have people learn to breathe. (Did you know most of us don’t know how to breathe efficiently?) Right now, put your hand on your belly and breathe in expanding your belly like a balloon. Hold your breath for a count of five and slowly breathe out. This form of deep breathing is known to slow heart rate and reduce blood pressure. (108/65 after a yoga/breathing class for me.)
\Running a close second is exercise. (There is that word again.) Exercise can reduce the experience of stress, depression and anxiety. Dozens of scientific studies have demonstrated the relationship between exercise and the reduction of stress.
\ Three is meditation, which promotes lower blood pressure and slows the heart rate. Four is caring relationships, which help in creating emotional trust, support and relaxation. And five is caring for a pet, which may provide significant emotional comfort that helps reduce stress. (Think purring cat.)"; bBText[14] = "A good night’s sleep is about the only thing people actually like that is good for them.
\Sleep – your brain needs downtime to regroup and refresh.
\Your brain is “on” 24 – 7. It never stops working; it simply shifts gears. Think about a time when you have not gotten adequate sleep, for whatever reason. How did you feel? How did you function? “Not good” is the most probable and succinct (and printable) answer.
\Your brain requires this downshift. Rest restores your brain’s ability to function optimally. Most people (except Einstein who reportedly slept four hours a night) function best with between seven and eight hours of sleep. According to research, sleep helps you to be more alert, increases memory function, boosts your immune system, makes you smarter and increases concentration (sleep before a test or interview), makes you a nicer person (no grumps allowed), makes you look better (they call it beauty sleep for a reason) and may even (are you ready for this?) help you lose weight. Have I convinced you yet?
\Every animal sleeps. If falling asleep has become difficult there are several (non-prescription) ways to help your mind to relax. Try any of the following suggestions to see which is the most effective way to help you achieve a good night’s rest:
\• Drink a cup of warm chamomile-based tea. (No caffeine.)
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• Drink a cup of warm milk. (Add a teaspoon of almond flavoring.)
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• Take a warm (not hot) bath.
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• Play soft music (on a machine that will turn itself off).
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• Breathe deeply for five full minutes.
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• Practice total body relaxation. (Tighten each group of muscles from your toes to your head, hold for a count of five and then release.)
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• Eliminate light and sound as much as possible.
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• Count your blessings (which may work better than those silly sheep).
Whatever you need to do to get a restful night’s sleep, do it. Take a power nap during the day if you are feeling loaggy (a very technical term). Even a short time with eyes closed and feet up will help your brain to function better.
\“Why specifically, is sleep important to my brain?” you might query.
\ Sleep research is very prolific. Regarding specific brain benefits, researchers believe that during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, the brain transfers short-term memories through the brain’s electrical system to become long-term memories. Good sleep is not considered a luxury, but a necessity. Researchers believe that your alertness, energy, performance, thinking, productivity, creativity, safety and health will be affected by how much you sleep. Good sleep is the best predictor of life span and quality of life for all of the reasons listed. Make sure you get some zzzz’s; your brain will benefit."; bBText[15] = "Paper or plastic? Decaf or regular? Ride the elevator or take the stairs?
\Attitude – we make choices of all magnitudes each day, yet we seldom think about “choosing” our attitude. Choosing to look at the glasses in life as half full, rather than half empty can have a great impact on brain function and health.
\I have talked about brain chemicals in previous weeks, and the topic comes up again with “attitude.” Maintaining a positive mental attitude helps your brain boost the level of immune cells and endorphins. People of all ages are happier and healthier when their brains are producing the “feel good” chemicals, endorphins. The word “endorphin” means literally “the morphine within.” It serves as a tranquilizer as well as an analgesic (and all without a prescription). Choosing a positive attitude helps to promote cognitive functions, keeps you physically uplifted, and makes you a nicer person to be around.
\There are countless anecdotes about people deciding to make the best of things, finding a silver lining, taking the high road and looking on the sunny side of life. We do have choices. Some people seem to have a negative attitude programmed into their way of looking at the world. They can always find something wrong with whatever situation they are in. Research has cited that people who registered negative emotions or psychological distress were more likely to develop mild cognitive impairment than their more upbeat friends and colleagues. Negative thinking stimulates more negative thinking and patterns become established. Thinking a negative thought teaches your brain to get in touch with other negative thoughts. This is because the brain works by learned association. A negative (or positive) thought that is triggered will cause similar, associated thoughts to appear.
\The good news is that your brain is “plastic” (a neurological term that means it can be reformed, molded, changed). You can retrain your brain by paying attention. At the first sign of a negative thought or response, immediately switch your thinking to something positive or at least neutral. You might take a minute right now to think about creating a mantra. Keep this personal mantra in your back pocket and have it ready to replace a negative thought. Think about what you might choose – the name of a favorite person, or your pet, a snippet of a song that makes you smile, an absolutely silly thought – it doesn’t matter as long as this thought removes you from the negative place. It works!
\ Each morning when you awake you CHOOSE the kind of day you will have. You can choose to see your world as a friendly and life-giving place, or you can choose to see all the cracks, creases and wrinkles that make life unpleasant and unfriendly. It is a brain-friendly choice to think positive thoughts. There are many things we can’t change; our attitude toward life is one thing we can change. I believe that 10% of life is what happens to us and 90% is how we choose to respond to it. Positive thoughts are brain-friendly!"; bBText[16] = "Ah yes, I remember it well… (Maurice Chevalier in “Gigi.”)
\Memory 1. – Memory is the sum total of who you are.
\Imagine what your world would be like without memory - if you suddenly developed amnesia. Think about it! You would still be a functioning being, albeit a physical shell, walking around with a blank slate without stored information. Books and movies have been created on this subject. It is frightening and devastating.
\As I travel around the country teaching brain fitness, the topic that people want to know about most is preserving their memory. Memory loss is one of the greatest fears of most people as they age. Understandably so. Because this is true, I will devote two weeks to the topic of memory. This article is based on what memory is and how it works, and next week will focus on how to keep your memory strong and functioning.
\Just what is memory? When an event takes place, or you learn something new, or meet someone, your brain determines whether that information needs to be saved. If your brain judges this new information to be important, it goes through a process of recording the information in what is known as “memory.”
\Memory is a neural activity involving many different areas and processes of the brain and nervous system. (Did you know that all memory is not in your brain?) Memory is a three stage process of information retention. Something is (1) experienced, (2) stored, and (3) available for retrieval.
\There are essentially two types of memory; short-term or working memory, and long-term or stored memory. Short-term Memory (STM) is focused on what you are doing at the moment. You must focus on something for at least 8 seconds in order for it to be processed and stored. Long-term Memory (LTM) is the storage area from which you can retrieve information. LTM is divided into “procedural” memory – skills that your body just knows how to do such as ride a bike, type a sentence or tie your shoes. You don’t have to think about it, your brain just pulls out what is already stored in various areas. The other is “declarative” memory – events and information that are stored for you to declare or describe – new facts, situations and so forth.
Declarative memory is further broken down into “episodic” memory – episodes or events that have happened in your life, and “semantic” memory – stories of your life. Episodic memory is mostly gathered through your senses; sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Arguably your sense of smell is the most powerful memory booster. Right now, stop and think of a smell from your childhood. Can you see your grandmother as you smell her bread (or oatmeal cookies) baking? Semantic memory is very personal and is often different from someone else who shared the same experience. You overlay your own values and experiences on the event, which makes it uniquely yours.
\ The good news is you can practice keeping your memory strong. More on strengthening memory next week."; bBText[17] = "November is National Alzheimer’s Disease Month
\In 1983, then President Ronald Reagan proclaimed November as National Alzheimer’s Disease Month. How ironic that two decades later he would succumb to this disease and draw world wide attention to it. More than five million Americans have Alzheimer’s Disease. It is the seventh leading cause of death in this country. It destroys brain cells, causes memory failure, decreases intellence and causes behavior disturbances that affect all aspects of daily life.
\No one wants to think about getting Alzheimer’s Disease. We mask our fears of this dreaded disease by joking about it. Phrases like “I’m having a ‘senior moment’” or “I don’t have Alzheimer’s – but I do have ‘sometimer’s’” are but a few of the humorous attempts used to cover slips of memory or slight moments of confusion.
\The truth is we all want to hold on to our memory and our sense of self – both of which are stolen from us with the onset of this disease. In a recent Elderhostel, a woman wrote “is stealing my words” as a response to an opening exercise of “The brain…”. The fear is present and manifests itself to a greater degree as we age.
\I was surprised (you might be as well) to learn that Alois Alzheimer, a German physician, first described this disease in 1906. It has been recognizable for over 100 years.
\We have learned more about it in the last two decades than in all previous years combined. This advancement in knowledge and understanding of the disease is due in large part to the world of technology. Through electron microscopes, fMRI’s, and other advancements, scientists around the world are working diligently to uncover information that may lead to breakthroughs in the treatment, postponement and someday, perhaps, even a cure.
\As of today there is no cure. Alzheimer’s is an incurable and fatal brain disease. However, there are rays of hope in the form of earlier detection, drugs that slow down the degenerative process and information to cope with different stages of the disease. Countless resources and resource sites provide invaluable information and help for anyone dealing with Alzheimer’s. The best source of information is our local site which can be accessed at www.alz-rochesterny.org.
\We know that a greater percentage of health and longevity is due to behavioral choices we make each day. We know that caring for both mind and body prolong health. Healthy strategies that I have included in this series bear repeating:
\ Remain active – both mental and physical exercise help to prolong health.I know I came in here for something… (heard in basements around the world).
\Memory 2. Ideas and exercises to strengthen your memory.
\The most important aspect of retaining a good memory is to PAY ATTENTION. Most of us are multitasking (a relatively new term in our fast-paced culture) and paying less attention to any one thing, ergo we forget what our main purpose was. Research states that your brain can totally focus on one stimulus at a time. What appears to be multitasking is really a rapid alteration of focus (we are talking nanoseconds). If one stimulus is routine, you can focus more on another; you can be driving and listening to a book on tape, but not singing and studying for a test. Do one primary task at a time for greatest concentration of brain energy and memory retention.
\I’m providing a tried and true list of suggestions to strengthen your memory. I call them memory extenders. Try them to see which one(s) work best for you:
\Create lists – and use them. (It is not cheating, it’s extending.)
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Use “post it notes,” arguably the greatest memory extender since sliced bread.
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Chunk Items – your brain can best remember items in chunks of seven (+ or -2). Break items to be remembered into smaller chunks. (Right now, say your Social Security number or phone number out loud and focus on how you break it up.)
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Create a story using items you want to remember. It doesn’t have to make sense!
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Create a song or rhyme (30 days has September…).
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Create an anagram where each letter stands for a word. Ex.: HOMES to remember the great lakes (Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior).
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Use visualization. See the person, place or thing in your mind’s eye. You are engaging your visual cortex (occipital lobe). The more senses you incorporate in your attempt to remember something, the more avenues for retrieval.
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Say it out loud. (You put your auditory sense to work, too.)
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Write or type it. You are engaging your motor cortex.
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Create a “place” for everything, then put things in their place. (What a concept!)
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Practice, practice, practice. (It helps to strengthen your memory, as well as being the only way to get to Carnegie Hall.)
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Create a list of words and memorize them. Test yourself daily. When you have mastered the first list, create a new list.
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Pay Attention!!!!
We all have “senior moments” from time to time. (You don’t have to be a senior to have a senior moment.) A heartening piece of research to close this segment states that if you can retrieve the information (even a day or so later), you do not need to worry. We all forget where we put our keys from time to time in our busy lives. If, however, you put your keys in the refrigerator, it might be time to be concerned!
\ We remember what we understand; we understand what we pay attention to; we pay attention to what we want."; bBText[19] = "“He who laughs, lasts.” Zero Mostel
\Humor - Laughter has been termed “internal jogging.” Your mental attitude plays an important role in all of your body’s chemical makeup. When you laugh, your brain produces endorphins or “feel good” neurotransmitters that serve to relax and revitalize your entire system.
\Laughter is a natural human response. Laughter has been observed in babies as young as three and a half to four months of age. There is no more joyous sound for me than a child’s laughter. Laughter begins in infancy and serves us throughout our lives. Think of how you feel after hearing a funny joke or watching a comedy on TV. I know people who read the comic section of the paper prior to anything else. Laughing is a neat way to start the day. Men and women not only respond to different kinds of humor (I’m not going there), but they also laugh differently. People actually study how and why people laugh. Laughter is measured on brain scans as well as its effect on blood pressure and heart rate.
\All of this study has birthed a whole field of research called gelotology. The researchers involved study the effects of laughter on the body and brain. Because of their research (wouldn’t it be fun to have to laugh a lot to further research?), we know that laughing uses many muscles throughout your body - it exercises the lungs and circulatory system and increases the amount of oxygen in the blood. It is just plain good for you.
\The cliché “laughter is the best medicine” has much scientific basis. The field of medicine has come to realize that laughter can boost your immune system, and may help your body resist disease. Laughter is a good way to relax and reduce stress. Laughter produces a natural tranquilizer that does not require a prescription and has no side effects. It is difficult to laugh and be tense at the same time. Try it!
\Tests conducted in hospitals have uncovered supportive evidence that humorous videos and joke books can reduce feelings of pain, prevent negative stress reactions and boost the brain’s biological battle against infection. Norman Cousins was a pioneer in the field of laughter’s effect on healing and wholeness. Many hospitals and nursing homes have humor carts – patients have access to videos and joke books that make them laugh (the humor carts are banned on surgical recovery floors – laughing too hard is not good for healing new stitches).
\Some innovative corporations have “humor rooms” or at least understand the benefit of “humor breaks” as they infuse new oxygen to the blood and can jump start the brain when it is overtaxed.
\ Among other things that produce these endorphins are: sunny days, chocolate (women know that), and strenuous exercise (think “runner’s high”). Find something every day that makes you smile. I always include appropriate jokes in my presentations on brain fitness. “Leave ‘em laughing,” is a good philosophy as well as being good for your brain."; bBText[20] = "Lifelong learning is the process of keeping your mind and body engaged by actively pursuing knowledge and experience.
\Learning something new, at any age, whether it’s learning how to speak French, learning to cha – cha, to use the internet more adroitly, to improve your golf swing, or to cook a healthy lasagna – the process of learning has great brain benefits for adults.
\You are never too old to learn. Some folks in my classes at Oasis and at Elderhostels are well into their 70’s and 80’s. One of my favorite students turns 90 very soon and she is still eager to learn (a good part of the reason why she is aging very successfully).
\Some of the many benefits of life long learning are:
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• It may postpone dementia related disease by building something called “cognitive reserve.” When you continually engage in learning, your brain produces new dendrites. Eventually some dendrites begin to die off, but, if you have a greater cognitive reserve, that is if you continue to produce these little critters, when some of them die off you will still have a goodly amount to keep your brain functioning. That’s the best reason I can think of to keep learning.
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• It provides opportunities to meet new people who share similar interests. Learning with others broadens your relationship circle with new folks to talk with and share stories.
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• It provides an interesting and relatively inexpensive way to try new things. By taking continuing education courses you can learn to line dance, play bridge, work with clay or create hand made gifts.
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• It provides a feeling of accomplishment. Learning for the sake of learning is a powerful force to keep you thinking young and your brain flexible and agile.
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• It helps with life skills. You can learn to invest your money, sell your home, do your taxes and learn how to organize your life (or your kitchen).
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• It does not have to be something heavy and terribly thought provoking to be good for your brain. Learning something new that is fun, interesting and exciting is just as good as the accumulation of new information – maybe more so.
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• It helps you to impress your friends with your new knowledge and skills.
“Where do I sign up?” you may be asking. Lifelong learning classes - a.k.a. continuing education or adult education - are offered by most communities through continuing education programs in the schools and libraries, through organizations, local colleges and senior centers. Often these groups offer classes in sports, books clubs, cooking, art, dance, language, yoga, exercise and music. History and travelogues are an added bonus.
\ The opportunities are wide open. Just think you can learn to speak French, cook Italian, dance Spanish and play bridge with new friends. What a great workout for your brain and what good insurance you are taking out to ward off mental decline. All of this can be so much fun too!"; bBText[21] = "Forgiveness – it’s good for your brain
\We have all been ‘wronged” by someone either in reality or in our imagination – it matters not, the damage is the same. We carry this hurt with us for weeks, months, even years. Consider the truth of the following statement: Harboring ill feelings toward someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Read the statement again. Forgiveness is really an act of self-preservation.
\Research is being conducted in laboratories around the world on the physical and mental aspects of forgiveness and its effect on health and longevity. These studies give evidence to the fact that our conscious act of forgiveness increases self-esteem, lessens anxiety and anger, lowers heart rate, reduces blood pressure and the best part is there is no prescription involved. Learning to forgive is clearly associated with a variety of health issues. By reducing negative energy and incorporating a forgiving attitude, you can enlarge the positive aspects of mental and physical health.
\So, you may query – just what is forgiveness and how can I get some? Forgiveness is simple, but never easy. It is truly a change of mind and heart. It is relatively easy to verbalize, “I forgive him,” but that is only half of the process. The second half is much more difficult, and yet it is the key factor. You must convince yourself that whatever this person has done to you is over – it is done. You cannot change the person. You cannot change history, there is no magic that will undo and recover what has happened. Let it go! Get on with your life. I said it wasn’t easy.
\The cognitive realization that we need to stop these ill feelings for our own health and well being may be the catalyst that motivates and encourages the work involved in forgiveness. Archbishop Desmond Tutu, founder of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, said: “To forgive is the highest form of self-interest. I need to forgive so that my anger and resentment and lust for revenge don’t corrode my being.”
\It is important to realize that forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing. We may never forget, but we have the power to forgive. Pope John Paul II exemplified this concept to the world when he forgave Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot him. The Pope’s body bore the scars of his wounds. But he lived and acted upon his unlimited faith and belief in the concept of forgiveness. This ultimately means letting go of wanting to make the other person suffer as you did. It means relinquishing your attachment to your ill feelings. Forgiveness is a powerful and difficult thing to do. But, if done sincerely, forgiveness of the wrong done to you will begin to loosen the bounds of alienation that can squeeze the life out of your mind and heart.
\ Forgiveness is never easy, but the reward will be a liberating of your mind, body, and spirit. Forgiveness can create a positive energy to live more fully and completely. Try it!"; bBText[22] = "There is evidence of music in every culture in the world. For our purpose, music is a tool to maintain brain fitness. Music is arguably the most powerful “intelligence” you have. Musical intelligence forms early -some researchers believe that music is hard-wired into your brain before birth. Infants only hours old, respond to music.
\We know that infants respond not only to music as we think of lullabies and songs, but also to pitch, rhythm and harmony. Many neo-natal units play soothing music as background to calm premature babies. It is believed that music helps these tiny infants to gain weight at a more rapid rate which means they can go home sooner. Most infants and young children respond well to music as a calming sleep aide. Think of a favorite song you sang to your infant and the pleasant memories that evokes.
\Studies have been done on young children who learn to play the piano. Proponents describe a connection between learning to play an instrument and problem solving skills. Children frequently use music as a learning tool – we all learned the alphabet by singing it to the tune of “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” (often incorrectly attributed to Mozart).
\Children learn to perform activities as they sing the words to help them clean up and perform other tasks. As they get older children learn to memorize facts set to music. I know children who learn to name the fifty states as they sing them. More and more educators know the power of using music as a teaching/learning tool.
\Music is part of our lives. Music is a memory tool. Try this… think of a song that you sang as a child, that you danced to when you were dating, or that was played at a Memorial Service. We all have songs that transport us to another time. Hearing a song can bring a smile to your lips and a lifting to your spirit. Music can bring tears. Music sets a mood and tells us what is happening without words (think “Jaws” as the epitome of this concept). Go back in time and pull the words out of your memory to a song you sang twenty or thirty years ago. It is good brain exercise. I give this exercise as “homework” in my classes on brain fitness.
\Music is mainly housed in the auditory cortex, just above your ears – think headphones.
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But we know that the creation, appreciation, movement to, and calming effects of music are located in different parts of your brain. It makes a certain amount of sense, that the more areas of your brain you stimulate, the better your retention and recollection processes will be.
The New Year greets us once again and we imagine a clean slate – a chance to begin anew. This year instead of all those unrealistic resolutions that get discarded like junk mail, create a plan for a healthier you. Mark your calendar and be intentional. Each month think of something to change in your life style and make it cumulative. Adopt these brain healthy habits into your life one month at a time, and by the end of this year, you can/will be healthier in mind, body and spirit. I am providing suggestions, but there is no fast rule for this plan. By focusing on one new endeavor each month it becomes doable.
\January - Stay warm and toasty and exercise your brain by doing any type of puzzles.
\February – This is heart month – add healthy fats like Omega threes in olive oil, nuts and salmon. ELIMINATE Tran’s fats from your diet. Tran’s fats appear in most packaged goods to prolong shelf life. READ LABELS – your government has made it mandatory for these heart and brain harmful fats to be listed in the ingredients.
\March – Often a dreary month. “Enough winter already!” mentality sets in. Remind yourself to think positive thoughts and picture what is happening underneath that snow – bulbs are doing their thing and some are even brave enough to break through the snow and light up your life. Search for them.
\April – Spring is in the air. The earth is being reborn. Get outside and move. Take a brisk walk each day. Work up to at least 30 minutes each day. You can do 10 minute chunks if that works for you.
\May – The outdoors continues calling us. As you walk, find new things to look at and people to meet. The more acquaintances you have, the healthier and less depressed you will feel.
\June – Grab a book and read something interesting and mind stretching. Do it in a hammock or on your deck or porch swing.
\July – Find a pool and swim. It is good exercise, it is cooling and it’s just plain fun!
\August – Eat primarily from your garden or a local farmer’s market. Enjoy nature’s bounty as close to the food source as you can get.
\September – Take advantage of wonderful produce. Eat fruits and vegetables of different and darker colors.
\October – Watch some comedies on your DVD or tape player. Laughter lights your heart and is good for your brain.
\November – Get a flu shot. It is important to build up your body’s defenses.
\December – Get into the holiday spirit with an open, and giving heart. It is more important to give than to receive. It does your heart and your brain good as you flood your body with feel good endorphins.
\ If you create a plan and stick to it, you can change your life and your health. Be good to yourself in this New Year and you may find you will have many more and productive years ahead of you."; var bBruceArticle function swapTextBB(bBruceArticle) { document.getElementById("articleTopic").innerHTML = bBTopic[bBruceArticle]; document.getElementById("text").innerHTML = bBText[bBruceArticle]; } //================================================================== //================================================================== //Dr. Dave: swapTextDD - swaps the text of the title and article for the co_drdave.aspx page. //================================================================== var dDaveTopic = new Array(); dDaveTopic[1] = "Abortion"; dDaveTopic[2] = "Acupuncture"; dDaveTopic[3] = "Alcohol"; dDaveTopic[4] = "Alternative Medicine"; dDaveTopic[5] = "Alzhiemers"; dDaveTopic[6] = "Anthrax"; dDaveTopic[7] = "Anti Aging"; dDaveTopic[8] = "Antibiotic"; dDaveTopic[9] = "Anusitis"; dDaveTopic[10] = "Atheroma"; dDaveTopic[11] = "Bill"; dDaveTopic[12] = "Birth Control"; dDaveTopic[13] = "BMI"; dDaveTopic[14] = "Body Clock"; dDaveTopic[15] = "Breast Exam"; dDaveTopic[16] = "Breast Milk"; dDaveTopic[17] = "Cancer"; dDaveTopic[18] = "Catch"; dDaveTopic[19] = "Child Obesity"; dDaveTopic[20] = "Children"; dDaveTopic[21] = "Chocolate Cures"; dDaveTopic[22] = "Depression"; dDaveTopic[23] = "Diabetes"; dDaveTopic[24] = "Doctor Myth"; dDaveTopic[25] = "Driver's License"; dDaveTopic[26] = "Eye Cue"; dDaveTopic[27] = "Fatal Attractions"; dDaveTopic[28] = "Gambling"; dDaveTopic[29] = "Genomics"; dDaveTopic[30] = "Head Injuries"; dDaveTopic[31] = "Heart Surgeon"; dDaveTopic[32] = "Hernias"; dDaveTopic[33] = "HIV Testing"; dDaveTopic[34] = "HPV"; dDaveTopic[35] = "Humor"; dDaveTopic[36] = "Live to 100"; dDaveTopic[37] = "Med Student"; dDaveTopic[38] = "Menstruation"; dDaveTopic[39] = "Moles"; dDaveTopic[40] = "No Sniveling"; dDaveTopic[41] = "Obesity"; dDaveTopic[42] = "Optimism"; dDaveTopic[43] = "Pain"; dDaveTopic[44] = "Pet Bites"; dDaveTopic[45] = "Placenta"; dDaveTopic[46] = "PMS"; dDaveTopic[47] = "Rock Formations"; dDaveTopic[48] = "Scammers"; dDaveTopic[49] = "Sleep Apnea"; dDaveTopic[50] = "Smoking"; dDaveTopic[51] = "Specialists"; dDaveTopic[52] = "STDs"; dDaveTopic[53] = "Supplements"; dDaveTopic[54] = "Tanna Man"; dDaveTopic[55] = "Television"; dDaveTopic[56] = "Urologists"; dDaveTopic[57] = "Vasectomy"; dDaveTopic[58] = "Zoonosis"; dDaveTopic[59] = "Games"; dDaveTopic[60] = "Gifting"; dDaveTopic[61] = "Organs"; dDaveTopic[62] = "Venom"; var dDaveText = new Array(); dDaveText[1] = "I recently attended a conference of the Canadian Physicians for Life because… well I’m Canadian, I enjoy Life and I play a Physician on Thursdays between 9 and 11. I was impressed with the dignity, concern and thoughtfulness that was evident at the conference, at least prior to my arrival.
\For some doctors the issue of abortion is simple. Their response to this ethical dilemma is to send every girl who believes she wants an abortion to the local abortionist and let them work it out. Easy case. Others wrestle with each case individually and set up a counseling process. Others still are uncomfortable being involved in the abortion process for any reason other than the most dire. It is in that latter pool that I have come to swim and possibly drown.
\Given the back and forth from assorted lobby groups it may be difficult to develop an informed opinion on this sensitive issue but, given the unexpectedness with which your opinion may be required, it is important that you form your own opinion, and that it be exactly the same as mine.
\Q: Shouldn’t, as Morgentaler says, every child be a wanted child?
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A: Every child is wanted. Every pregnancy is not. Thousands of couples spend thousands of dollars to adopt thousands of children from East Yaopingyanski. Doctors constantly receive requests from those who would love the opportunity to raise a child. Every child is wanted... by someone.
Q: What about a woman’s right to do with her body as she pleases?
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A: It is against the law for a woman to sell her body or do certain things to or with it. But a growing fetus is, in fact, not her body. It has its own distinct DNA, it has its own genomic character. An appendix or a toenail is part of our body but a fetus is a distinct society. My mother likes rutabaga and tofu but as a young fetus (don’t we all miss those halcyon days) I rejected that stuff being rammed through my bellybutton and made it known I needed dill pickle ice cream and peanut buster parfaits with ketchup. We were and are different, genomically and gastronomically speaking.
Q. But a fetus is not a fully developed human being.
\
A. Fetus is from the Latin for “young child.” After 12 weeks nothing new develops in a fetus, it has everything in place. From there it simply matures. Two year olds are no less human than the more developed five year olds. They are just meaner.
Q: But being pregnant can be an inconvenience that causes stretch marks and personally I just spent thousands for implants so it isn’t a good time for me to...
\
A. Listen Q, I remember you before implants, when you were just a little q. You were OK, er... ok. But yes, this is among the many reasons we hear why a woman wants an abortion.
Q. What is a partial birth abortion? Is this for real?
\
A. I would suggest that if you want to know how you really feel about abortion, go to any website that describes partial birth abortion. If that doesn’t put goosebumps on your goosebumps then nothing in this column will make any difference to you.
Unless shopping involves a store with Tire or Burger (something round and rubbery) in its name, then I don’t much care for it. But the time had come for me to purchase some new clothes, given the smattering of snide snickers concerning my 70’s sartorial style. My pants were getting so threadbare that angry moths were setting up picket lines at my closet. Not actually having bought clothes since before the Kennedy era (Joe), the first thing I noticed while browsing through Costco’s fine men’s apparel, (two aisles up from the tire section) was that the sizing of pants has changed. The 34’s I used to get into were now obviously badly mislabeled. I complained to the sales clerk but her explanation for this was so ludicrous that it was evident to me that she needed expensive ophthalmologic or psychiatric help. But it was while trying on a new shirt that I remembered why I dislike shopping so much.
\PINS! After removing about 795 wee weapons of wounding from the shirt, I had an inkling that there were still a couple of surprise bonus pins strategically hidden. Sure enough I found them as I pulled the shirt over my neck. As I checked out, with shirts that now looked like they were worn in Texas Chainsaw, the clerk, noticing the rivulets of blood streaming down my neck, smiled knowingly. “You look like you are in pain. You need an aspirin, an ambulance or acupuncture.” Assuring her that I’d already been acu-punctured courtesy of some crazed pin-packing granny employed by the shirt manufacturers, the only thing I needed was a transfusion and plastic surgery.
\Irv Johnston, age 68, seldom complained. But his leg and hip pain of several months was getting worse. Despite months of investigations, specialist referrals and assorted medication he failed to improve. He and I were both frustrated with the lack of progress. So I was amazed to peer down the hall of my office, one morning, and see Irv smiling at me as he stood from a chair and started doing a jig. “Sorry for stepping outside the bounds of conventional medicine doc, but I decided to try acupuncture and this is the result after two treatments!”
\Acupuncture is now commonly accepted and even practiced by many western doctors who find it a useful therapeutic option for conditions ranging from smoking cessation to smoking joint pain.
\Used in China as routinely as aspirin is in North America, acupuncture is based on the principle of opening of clogged “meridians” or channels that carry vital energy called Qi (pronounced “chee” as in “CHEEZE DOC, you’re gonna stick those needles where!”)
\In search of a more scientific explanation, western medicine feels that much of the success seen with acupuncture lies in the release of endogenous opiates called endorphins, natural painkillers that act like narcotics.
\Specific points mapped on the body allow for either the best meridian treatment or the best release of endorphins. The key to successful acupuncture lies in point placement. Frequent wire points are awarded to those with several needles.
\Various practitioners employ various methods of playing with the needle once it is inserted. The needles are twirled, pushed, pulled or even subject to electrical impulses fired into them.
\One of the more fascinating applications of acupuncture is its use as an anesthetic for head and neck and even open heart surgery! The World Health Organization suggests that acupuncture may be useful for problems ranging from constipation to gingivitis. But researching the research has led me to believe that while some conditions often respond to acupuncture, others have not been validated.
\Osteoarthritis, some low back pains, stress, depression, carpal tunnel syndrome and chronic headaches including migraines and nausea have been shown to respond to acupuncture. On the other hand, asthma, menstrual cramps have not been validated. Neither has cocaine addiction, even though one judge in Florida gives drug addicts the choice between incarceration and acupuncture to treat their addiction.
\Acupuncture may actually aggravate fibromyalgia (what doesn’t). While many have tried to stop smoking by having acupuncturists needle their ear, it is generally ineffective. Perhaps had they placed the needles in the lips and left them there…
\ The cost of acupuncture can also vary widely with the practitioner. Me, I’ll wait until the next shirt sale."; dDaveText[3] = "Today I am M.A.D.D. and I haven’t a maternal bone in my body.
\Another weekend, another 18-year old life destroyed due, in part, to parental negligence.
\Weak parents continue to be a source of alcoholic deaths in youth. Most 18 year olds simply don’t get it. They lack good judgment borne only through years of experience. Though they seldom formally request it, our youth depend on the wisdom of their parents to guide them through the tough years.
\I am still MADD at the outcome of a local teenager’s birthday party held in her home last year as parents “supervised” their underage drinking. These parents, trying hard to be their teenage daughter’s friend rather than her parents, allowed 18 year old Justin to slip away from the party with other inebriated youth. Minutes later his life was slipping away and those in the car with him were seriously injured, never to be the same. Alcohol does not have to be consumed for kids to have a great time. In fact, it happens to be against the law. Supervising underage drinking is encouraging underage drinking. It is tantamount to opening the garden gate to an eager burglar. Parental stewardship demands strong and definitive decisions to offset the immaturity of those they are meant to protect.
\Instead, too many kids get brutally confused messages.
\We are hypocrites when we applaud the high school’s dry grad and then (wink, nod) help organize their “after-grad” drunk. “They’re going to drink anyway” we bleat, so let’s let them think it is OK to scoff the laws of the land, of health and of safety. In fact, let’s give them a helping hand. You won’t get killed on your grad night because we will drive you home and you will live. Tonight. But how many 18 and 19 year olds, having received that mixed message loud and unclear, carry on with this wink, nod and turn-the-other-way approach to their weekend boozing. Suddenly the parents are no longer there, but the approval of underage drinking lingers. Is it any wonder that 19 years olds die in traffic fatalities more than any other age group, 40% of them drunk.
\I was working in a Trauma Center in Savannah, Georgia, when a pickup truck carrying a grandfather and his two eight years old twin grandsons was struck by a youth who had been drinking. The grandfather and one grandson were killed. We worked frantically on the other twin, trying to bring him back to whatever life would be for him. It was obvious that at the very best he would be a quadriplegic. After finally stabilizing him we wheeled his body to the elevator to be taken to urgent surgery, his frame broken in so many places that I couldn’t help but think that he might have been better off following his brother. Back in the ER, I went into the booth of my next patient, a young man lying on the table with a broken ankle and reeking of alcohol. “I was just wondering, doctor, if the guys in the pickup are hurt bad?”
\ And now, to further fuel our car carnage, please welcome sweet flavored alcoholic drinks called alcopops, seductively targeting young girls. Aggressive marketing of these cute “girlie drinks” means that the average age of the girls first entering the world of alcohol with all of its adult benefits is now 13. The American Medical Association has found that a third of all teen girls have tried alcopops and almost 20% of those followed up their drinking with sex. A quarter of all teens have either driven after drinking or ridden with a drunk driver. A weak and foolish society continues to permit the glorification of TV alcohol as a necessary rite of passage out of high school. Beer executives would have gullible youth believe that being a cool patriotic Canadian means being a cool alcoholic Canadian. Ads that show youth having a good time only when consuming their particular brand of alcohol fail to show the kids later in an emergency room, as doctors struggle to ram a tube down their gullet in hopes of stemming the esophageal bleed. All too often Emergency Rooms are permeated with the unmistakable odor of blood and alcohol mixers. Unfortunately one of my first thoughts when another beer and blood-soaked youth is rolled into the trauma unit is “What parent allowed this mess.” If that perturbs you then I hope you appreciate what MADD really is."; dDaveText[4] = "On a recent sojourn, my old clunker of a car seized up just outside Costco, likely after inhaling excessive toxic fumes of Polish sausage. As it wheezed into recovery, our Hepburn herd marched into the big box store in search of mega stuff.
\With my wife off in search of 95 gallon jars of assorted condiments and my kids busy sampling the oyster ice cream, I moseyed on over to the Costco “books” area intent on finding Chretien For Dummies (redundant, I realize). Instead, to my chagrin, I came across book after book with titles like Revitalize Your Lymph with Rutabaga by “Dr.” Pearl Diamond, and The Alternative Medicine Guide to a Really Really Healthy Gallbladder by Autumn Moonglow Johnson-Johnson. Books seemed to glare at me from all directions, slap me across the face and demand that I Awaken Your Spleen Through Foot Massage, or cleanse my hidden immune system on Nature’s All Natural Naturopathic National Gnat Diet. Virtually nothing by a real doctor. By that I mean the guy who went thru 31 years of post secondary edukayshun studying sciense, biokemistry, and nurse behavior. Flipping through Herbs Herbal Remedies I came across an excerpt of how Larry’s psoriasis cleared right up after gorging on eye of newt and wing of bat, while on his vacation in the Dead Sea, during an El Nino. Subsequently, Herb now recommends eye of newt as good for your ailing serum purple psoriasis cells.
\What does conventional mainstream medicine think of these alternative claims? I, for one, am somewhat appreciative of alternative medicine’s efforts to search for more effective ways to improve health. But, in this day and age when “evidence-based-medicine” is the battle cry, we need more than Larry’s anecdotes. I need to know there is some scientific credibility before I venture onto a 3 week diet of dragonfly knees and petunia nectar just to revitalize my inner magnetic force field. Let’s evaluate the evidence that a certain product really helps and a certain procedure really proceeds. You should be informed, and in some cases concerned, about some far out “alternatives” that may be harmful, useless and expensive, just as in conventional medicine. Does the “if it’s natural it’s safe” logic work? No ma’am. Prancing naked through a mosquito infested poison oak swamp in Zanzibar, feeding on wild mushrooms feels quite “natural” but… King Cobra venom is known to cure pimples but unless there is an emergency, such as before the grad dance, I would avoid the snake oil. Drinking grapefruit juice can actually cause pregnancy if you’re on the birth control pill (sex also required). Personally, I don’t have a major problem with someone under my care adding extract of beaver hair as an adjunct to medical treatment, as long as it is proven safe and doesn’t really financially exploit the victim... er patient.
\My major concern, however, is the temptation of self diagnosis. Before embarking on Sabu flowerpecker therapy for what you think is diabetes, consult a doc. Playing doctor can be dangerous, I know, I often play one.
\Any studies done on this stuff? Yes, and based on a recent review in a leading journal I list below some of the more popular products along with a detailed scientific discussion as to whether they were felt to be effective based on current data.
\Ginseng - nope
\
Saw palmetto - yup
\
Milk thistle - mebbe
\
Ginkgo - yup
\
Echinacea - nope
\
Bee pollen - nope
\
Feverfew - OK
\
St John’s wort - OK
\
Kelp - nope
\
Royal jelly - nope
\
Spirulina - nope
Discouraged after “leafing” through the medical advice from those whose entire medical training consists of a weekend flipping between ER and M*A*S*H (and watching the Golf Channel on Wednesdays), I took my pounding headache and made straight to the Black Forest Cake sample line.
\ Our trip to Costco over, the kids stuffed on marinated albatross wings, we tumbled into the car, me whining about my headache. “It’s OK, dear” consoles my wife, packing away the two quart jugs of flea pheromones. “Take off your left shoe and I’ll rub your 4th toe, just above the knuckle.”"; dDaveText[5] = "I’ll take “Anatomy” for $400 please Alex. “This bone houses the brain.”
\“OK, I know that one, I’m a doctor” as I play along from my easy chair with Trebek and three Ivy League professors. “What a numb-skull, why can’t I remember this” I mutter smacking my skull numb in hopes of jump-starting my frontal lobe. “What is skull, Alex” is the smug response from contestant number three who looks like he reads Funk and Wagnalls on the beach. “I knew that!” I whine whilst gently booting ol’ Murph the dog again in frustration.
\A few years ago I would’ve got that one, but another brain spasm from the ol’ memory gland has put me at minus $65,250 on the Jeopardy meter and given Murph a bad case of the jitters.
\Memory loss of aging or even full blown Alzheimers are a couple of those frustrating conditions that we can do nothing to prevent. Or is that true?
\Why is it that some nonagenarians can remember what they had for breakfast, May 16, 1936 while others can’t remember what they had for breakfast this morning, even after examining their shirt? Why is it that some can recite the entire roster, batting stats and girlfriends of the `67 Orioles while others can’t successfully hide their own Easter Eggs?
\Actually… I don’t know, or if I knew I forgot.
\Here is what’s being looked at.
\
1. Keep blood pressure down. It appears that a lot of memory loss may be the result of several mini strokes (like my golfing) that may come from elevated blood pressure.
2. Speaking of golf, avoid watching the Golf Channel. “Weir is lining up his four footer now, a slight break to the left and…” SNAP! there goes a few vital grey matter cells, perhaps your 6th birthday memories. Find new and exciting things to EXERCISE your mind and your memory will be sharper.
\3. Hormones, particularly estrogen may reduce the risk of developing Alzheimers. Does this mean that men too should take estrogen? Depends if we want to live in a world where men shop for Wonder bras or in a world where men wander about looking for the bathroom because they’ve forgotten where it is and never ask directions.
\4. Supplements like:
\
a) Gingko. Gingko, as much fun to say as it is to eat. Gingko is from an ancient Chinese tree actually called the “tree of knowledge” apparently found in the same orchard in China as the “swimming tree of steroids”. Does it prevent Alzheimers? No, but it might increase blood flow to the brain whatever that really means.
\
b) Ibuprofen. This simple anti-inflammatory is being looked at more seriously since it was noted that arthritis sufferers had less memory disorder. Ibuprofen and it’s ilk have been shown to possibly decrease inflammation of the cells in the brain that produce Acetylcholine (stuff you don’t want to get too short of). In fact there are currently 19 different drugs being developed for Alzheimers including:
\
c) Antioxidants such as curcumin may help to undo some of the damage done when your brother fed you mercury thermometers with a spoonful of lead paint while growing up in Aluminum, Ontario.
5. Do the grocery store test.
\ We’ve all experienced those embarrassing moments in aisle 6 of the grocery store when, as we’re putting that mega jar of low carb hemmorhoidal cream into our cart beside the horseradish, (making a mental note to put the right one in the fridge), we note a familiar face approach but just can’t put a name to it. The face engages you in conversation. You desperately bluff with generalities about the bad weather or Todd Bertuzzi, praying that you won’t reveal that you can’t remember who they heck they are. It knows everything about you and your kids but still, you just can’t place it. It is when the conversation concludes with a smile and a “See you later Dad” that you need to get your wife, old what’s-her-name, to book you in to see sawbones."; dDaveText[6] = "“Hello Bloggins, what brings you into the office today?”
\“Well, I’ve either got a cold or Anthrax.”
\“I see.”
\“I work over at the Donut Hole where we noticed this white powdery substance in a package that had been delivered to our shop. We figure they might be trying to poison our apple fritters. I brung you some.”
\“This, Bloggins, is only ultra-refined chemically-distilled bleached icing sugar.”
\“Whew, and here I figured it was something dangerous. Honestly doc, with all these half-wit fanatics running about jihading every Tom, Dick and Salman, me and the boys are a little twitchy these days. Frankly we’d like to dance a jihad of our own on these yahoos.”
\“Apparently you can jihad anyone you want and fire off a few fat frothy fatwas while you’re at it. So what symptoms bother you today Bloggins?”
\“Got a cough, muscle aches, a low grade temperature and a bit of a headache.”
\“Well that certainly sounds like anthrax.”
\“I knew it doc, I knew it, oh why me, why, why...!”
\“But of course that also sounds like any of a million other flu-like illnesses. While anthrax starts off like flu for a few days, it is a three-stage disease. After three or four days of feeling lousy the patient seems to actually get better for a day or two. But then…”
\“Oh oh! I have been feeling better!”
\“…suddenly everything goes sour. Fever rises, breathing becomes labored and as the bugs get into the blood system, meningitis, shock and death follow within 36 hours.”
\“Well let me tell you doc, shock isn’t the word for it, I am stunned beyond…”
\“You do seem a little stunned Bloggins, but let me reassure you. There have only been 18 cases of inhalation anthrax in North America since 1900, the last in 1978. These cases all involved people who handled goat or sheep skin, wool sorters and the like. Because the anthrax spore lives in the dirt, grazing goats and sheep can on rare occasion pick it up. It cannot be caught from another person. While inhalation anthrax is quite fatal, another form of anthrax, cutaneous anthrax, is more common and less dangerous.”
\“Ah ha! That explains the new wool longjohns the wife bought me after I treated her to that Ice Fishing weekend at Lake Frostbite on our 20th.”
\“With about 230 cases in the past 50 years in North America cutaneous (skin) anthrax is still quite rare. Far from being cute, this form occurs when spores get into a cut or scrape on the skin. It festers and blisters and turns into large black scabs that resemble coal. In fact, anthrax comes from the Greek word for coal, anthracis.”
\“How long until I find out if I have the flu or anthrax, doc?”
\“The spore can take up to 60 days from the moment it is inhaled until it germinates and starts the illness. In 1979 aerosolized anthrax escaped a Russian military compound and infected 79 inhabitants of Sverdlovsk. 68 of them died, some weeks later.”
\“Can I get a shot to prevent it?”
\“Not yet. Anthrax vaccine, while required vaccination for all US military personnel is not routinely available. Because Saddam, who loves his weapons of mass destruction, was found in 1991 to have over 200 bombs and 25 ballistic missiles loaded with anthrax, those serving in the Persian Gulf are also vaccinated.
\But for you Bloggins, I suggest that we send you to AA.”
\“AA? Doc, I don’t know what you heard, but that lampshade looked just like my hat when…”
\ “Anthrax Anxieties. Currently, however, there is a huge waiting list. In the meantime go home and jihad all those worries. And as for those white powder terrorists… fatwa ‘em.”"; dDaveText[7] = "BLOGGINS - Cecil, passed away suddenly at the age of 173 in a bungie jumping accident. Predeceased by Cheryl (nee Neigh), his wife of 138 years. Survived by 4 children, 14 grandchildren, 54 great grandchildren, 287 great-great grandchildren, 792 great-great-great grandchildren, 2175 great great great great grandchildren and a few dozen great great great great great grandchildren. Cecil was born naturally in 1976. A survivor of the earthquake of ‘04. Cecil’s mad dashes to second base will be missed by the boys of the Old Longball Baseball Team. In lieu of flowers please send donations to Chicago Cubs Pennant Assistance program. Cecil’s one regret was that he didn’t live long enough to see the Cubs win it all. In fact, Cecil’s dying words were “I still don’t understand why they traded 4 first round picks for that 87 year old catcher.” Cecil was a successful artificial intelligence mechanic as a youth but after a midlife crisis at the age of 91 he returned to college. He graduated with a degree in azimuthal biomolecular tectonics and began his own discount organ cloning company. Funeral will be held on Saturday at Lincoln Stadium, right after the game.
\Is aging a disease? Hmmm. Consider some of the physical “symptoms” of aging: heart failure, kidney failure, hair loss, skin thinning, brain atrophy, osteoporosis, prostatic hypertrophy, sweater vests, cataracts, hearing loss and immune deficiency. Sound like a disease? If so, can it be beaten? According to the 8500+ physicians who belong to the AAAAM (American Association of Anti Aging Medicine), not only is aging a disease, but it is often a fatal one. They feel that medicine currently spends excessive energy, talent and money in treating the outcomes of aging rather than preventing many of the problems that manifest later in life. AAAAM search not only for ways to prolong life span, but also increase health span. In 1900 the average life expectancy was 48 years. A century later it has risen to 76 in America, 80 in Japan and close to 106 in the population of Ford Escort car drivers who precede me at each stop light when I have to be at the airport in 10 minutes. The lifespan for Gen X is projected by some to be 125!
\We die of aging because various cells of various important organs die. Can preprogrammed cell death (called apoptosis) be delayed or even halted? Already researchers have been able to extend the lifespan of fruit flies and lab rats 4 times normal! (Thanks for nothing.)
\Dr. Ronald Klatz, president of A4M, speculates, “Medical knowledge is doubling every 3 years. With advances in genetic engineering, organ transplantation and molecular machines we will see life expectancy jump from 77 to 85 in the next ten years and then steadily increase from there.” Further commenting on conquering cell death and disease, he makes this astonishing prediction: “Soon we’ll be running out of reasons to die. Heart disease and diabetes will be eliminated in 10 years, Alzheimers in 15, and cancer will be cured in 20 years. By the year 2047 the leading causes of death will be accidents, homicide and suicide, particularly among Cubs fans.” OK, I added the last phrase but I assume that if we are all living that long, that robustly, that disease-free, the term “die-hard fan” will take on a whole new meaning. WWF Smackdown will be a family affair.
\So what are we supposed to do now as we wade through this new wave biomolecular revolution? Are you preparing, physically and mentally, to live a longer life than your grandparents did? As the science of youthful aging is further advanced, we are admonished to adhere to the principles of healthy living that we know all too well. Maximize your exercise, smoke and you croak, fill up with fruits, veggies and grains to preserve your heart, liver and brains, buy low—- sell high, don’t make alcohol your last call, reduce the weight or you reduce the wait (for angioplasty) etc.
\ As Mickey Mantle stated “If I’d known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.” As Mickey Mouse stated “Wow, I’m immortal!” And as anti-aging researcher Dr. Ivan Popov, stated “Wouldn’t it be great if we all died young… late in life.”"; dDaveText[8] = "Two staphylococci had a “budding” romance
\
While brewing in a Petri dish.
\
Out of a patient’s boil they’d been removed by lance, and their discussion went something like thish:
“I find you so very infectious,”
\
Said one bacteria to the other.
He replied, “Well I hate to hex us
\
But I think we have the same mother.”
“But I find you so hard to resist;
\
You are such a sickening fella.
\
While other bugs die, you simply persist,
\
You and that sexy flagella.
\
How is it you still remain?
\
Why DO you survive so long?
\
Are you a resistant strain?
\
Did the doctor treat you all wrong?”
“Well you see dear, when people get ill,
\
Even if only from some lowly virus,
\
They demand to take an expensive pill
\
In a vain attempt to retire us.
\
But because their approach is chaotic,
\
I never ever cry Uncle.
\
I could care less about Auntie Biotic,
\
I just go on and make my carbuncle.”
My son recently invited me to watch “The Mummy” with him. “It’s not really scary Dad,” he stammered from under the coffee table, ax in one hand, shield in the other, “but those beetles give me the creeps”. In this movie nasty Egyptian scarab beetles, the size of Cairo, voraciously devour several actors as well as a few extras, the stunt doubles, the costume designers, the caterers and a couple of accidental tourists from Iowa. As the hero blasted these evil beetles with a shotgun, I recognized that he dealt with the menacing bugs the same way many doctors do. Unfortunately as physicians, we sometimes take a shotgun approach to treating bugs that infect patients and we fire any number and variation of antibiotics at them. The bugs, however, often develop resistance to these antibiotics, which they in turn pass on to their friends. Somewhat of a crisis now looms large in the medical community as the specter of roving bands of mutant resistant bacteria are making doctors a tad twitchy about doling out antibiotics. When you head to see a doctor with the flu or a cold, don’t be disappointed when he/she doesn’t give you an antibugotic pill. Not only do antibiotics NOT work on viruses, but by taking them you may also be contributing to the development of a resistant strain of bacteria. Bugs don’t always need drugs! Your immune system is strong enough to do the job against most viruses and bacteria.
\Who is responsible for the development of antibiotic resistant bacteria?
\1. Doctors who capitulate to the need many patients have to leave the office with a piece of paper in their hand. In addition, they don’t always prescribe the most appropriate antibiotic but rather use a shotgun approach. Myself, I tend to be highly selective, usually prescribing the antibiotic recommended by the pharmaceutical firm that flies me down to Acapulco to verify the latest scientific research.
\2. Patients who demand a prescription for every illness. Please get used to walking out of the office with nothing but advice and whatever bug you just caught while spending three hours in a waiting room full of sick people.
\3. Animals. The random use of prophylactic antibiotics in chickens, cattle, swine, hockey players etc. may well contribute to the development of resistant bacteria.
\ 4. Mummies."; dDaveText[9] = "Prior to launching a herd of Boy Scouts out onto the world famous Bowron Lake canoe circuit, we were briefed by the park ranger on a couple of the finer points of the circuit. “First,” barked the ranger, “have your bear stick ready at all times and be prepared to use it properly.” “How exactly do we do that?” I inquired, purely for the benefit of the boys. “Well,” he replied, barely suppressing a smirk while reaching for a thick staff. “You take it like so and then swing it like this into the back of the knees of someone else in your group. Then you run like mad.”
\“Secondly, please do not toss any food into the outhouse pits. Porcupines and bears will actually crawl down into the pits and we are none too pleased about being called out to fish some angry, smelly forest creature from the depths of a cesspool.” While the thought of having a burly black bear belching beneath your buttocks might be a tad disturbing, I’m not sure I’d like to be the next guy to use the commode after a perturbed porcupine was trapped beneath my keyster. “Hey Bill, believe it or not I think I picked up a few splinters sittin’ in the honeywagon. Got a light and some tweezers?”
\What are some other pains-in-the-butt that you as patients and we as doctors must deal with?
\I would like to discuss three common anal ailments, which to those of you in search of a romantic mood-setter for your next date, will no doubt come as a blessing.
\Many mistakenly feel that symptoms of pain, bleeding or itchiness are due to hemmorhoids. They have treated themselves, sometimes for years, with Preparation H when had they simply seen a competent doctor, they could have been relieved of their misery long before.
\PRURITIS ANI refers to a ferocious itch and irritation of the anal area. Despite all efforts to do otherwise, the urge to scratch or rub is so intense that it is difficult to resist even while sleeping. Pawing at one’s derriere is not acceptable dinner etiquette (unless of course dinner is on the Bowron Lakes with a flock of Boy Scouts.) This common and uncomfortable condition has been known to ruin promotions, distract fellow golfers and spoil desserts. If you have this irritating affliction, do not suffer. See a doctor who will first make sure there is no pinworm or fungal skin infection. You will then be advised to avoid soaps, scented TP, and certain foods such as peppermint, caffeine, alcohol and citrus. But most importantly, DO NOT SCRATCH! The itch-scratch cycle means that when skin is scratched, it releases chemicals, such as histamine, that invariably induce more itchiness. This leads to more scratching, hence the cycle. I treat this with a special salve combining an antibiotic, nitroglycerin paste (no explosion jokes here please) and a bit of soothing steroid.
\ANUSITIS refers to inflammation around the anal area and can be a cause of pruritis ani. The commonest of all anal problems, this inflammation leads to wetness, which in turn causes small cracks, infection and itchiness. Like any inflamed joint or muscle, ice can be applied to reduce the swelling. If you find that scooping ice cubes out of your lemonade for this purpose is not terribly popular on your beach, you might consider purchasing a cryoprobe such as ANUICE or ANUREX (see www.butt-ice.com, no kidding.) Alternatively, try getting a rubber glove, filling one finger of it with water and freezing it. Smear the glove with Fucidin H cream and insert this probe twice a day for six minutes. Tremendous relief occurs within a couple of days. Ziplock the glove and place it in the freezer. (Warning: This might be a good time to teach your kids about the evils of stealing someone else’s popsicles.)
\ANAL FISSURE means that a painful small tear has occurred in the anus. Passing stool is akin to passing broken glass and this condition, found in kids and adults alike, is the commonest cause of painful rectal bleeding. Again nitroglycerin is the key to treatment as it allows the tense sphincter to relax. Soften the stool with fibre, water and even medication. Should conservative treatment fail then there is always a hungry surgeon more than eager to fix the face of your fissures forever.
\ Finally, if that bummer of a pain happens to occur when you’re in the company of a bevy of Boy Scouts deep in the Canadian wilderness, don’t forget to check… for quills."; dDaveText[10] = "While living on the remote and primitive island of Tanna in Vanuatu in 1995, my four fearless/feisty/foolish kids and I ventured up the side of a large nasty volcano named Mt. Yasr. This volcano is so dangerous that were it located in any place in the world other than Tanna, we’d not be allowed within two time zones of it. But here, nobody cares how stupid you are, and being second to no one in that category, I edged up the peak to peek over the edge and into the earth’s fiery furnace. While we stood/cowered/bargained with the Lord there, the earth beneath our feet suddenly gave a mighty groan.
\Yasr first rumbled, then belched and then, to the great alarm of our souls/minds/bladders, it suddenly exploded with a terrifying bellow! We fell to the ground, certain that we were about to be shot heavenward/dumped into the river Styx. Massive lava boulders the size of Cadillacs/Rhode Island/Libby Davies flew straight up over our heads. They seemed to hover in mid air for a moment and then, throttled by gravity, came crashing back, falling either into the boiling cauldron or onto the ground where we lay quivering like frightened felines. No sooner did we retrieve our mercury/amalgam/dentures, than it exploded again! We flew/scurried/cart-wheeled down the mountainside as fast as 40 pounds of goose bumps clinging to our carcasses would allow. While stumbling down the slope, dodging the meteor shower, we vowed to never return.
\ Mt. Yasr claimed three lives during the time I lived at its base and at its mercy. While I had the sobering opportunity to live in the South Pacific’s infamous “ring of fire” you may have the sobering realization that a ring of fire lives in many of you. A string of volcanoes, many ready to erupt, rumble within our arterial system, with a particularly dense collection lining our coronary and cerebral arteries. Known as atheroma, these volcanoes are the number one cause of death in the civilized world. “Atheroma” comes from the Greek for “porridge”. I can still hear my sweet wee Scottish gran “Eat yer bloody atheroma ‘ere yer kilt’ll fall down about yer lily-white ankles, exposin’ yer lily-white… umm… knickers” which of course is something no self-respecting son of Scotland could bear. The core of the atheroma is a porridge-like soft lipid-rich material that is built up by too much LDL cholesterol. \ The volcano is covered by a fibrous cap that keeps it from erupting. This sclerotic (hard) fibrous cap is what causes “hardening of the arteries” a condition also known as atherosclerosis. This cap, however, is eroded by inflammation from smoking’s free radicals, LDL cholesterol itself, infections (like gingivitis) and even high blood pressure, which can sheer the cap right off. The rupture of Mt Atheroma into the blood stream is stemmed by platelets and sticky buns, which clot over the volcano, seemingly a good thing. But in a classic case of the fix being worse than the problem it is this clot that kills! The rupture/clot is so large that it shuts off all blood flow in the artery giving its owner a heart attack or stroke. Soon Mr. LDL Bloggins is getting his photo in the local paper followed by several kind phrases he never heard in life that include the words “beloved”/”suddenly”/”probate.”"; dDaveText[11] = "I could always tell when Bill was in the waiting room. His telltale bullhorn honk and blow preceded a loud guttural reach into the bottom of his lungs in order to expectorate that last piece of inhaled microbial mass. This would usually garner stares of revulsion and comments of utter disgust, primarily from his wife. Bill had a few ongoing medical problems. In addition to a chronic cough he battled depression but one would never have known given his more than cheery demeanor and backslapping as he entered the exam room. I would slap his back in return, partly hoping to dislodge the alien that appeared to be jammed somewhere deep in the roots of his bronchial tree. His appointment was always punctuated with several “Doc, you’re the greatest” a couple of times each visit. Before he left there was a quick yet manly “How about a hug doc, you’re the greatest”. Bill was good for the ego and soothing to the soul.
\Bill was poor. Can’t-buy-new-socks poor. Formerly he was a navy cook who now couldn’t get work doing what he loved but rather ended up cleaning kitchens all night long so that the working cooks could come in and prepare food in ways that Bill never approved of. He was a little bitter about that. His three teenage sons were a concern to him as Bill didn’t want them to feel poor. But every second visit Bill would bring me a gift. A ball cap he had found on a bus, a coupon from one of the restaurants he cleaned, a belt or a tie. He had no money. I have always recalled the words of an accountant friend who commented that he had clients who made small fortunes yet contributed little if anything to charity. Little money or little thought. They hoard their gains and will clutch onto them until they die.
\That cough turned into lung cancer, years of smoking in the galleys of the navy ships, ashes dropping from his cigarette into the soup of the day, cream of Marlboro. The day I revealed this to him I was met by a flood of tears from his wife. Bill, initially stunned, recovered quickly with, “I knew you’d find out what was wrong with me. You’re the best doc.” Ya, sure Bill, I did a great job. “Doc how long do I have.” Not long.
\The next week he returned with his Disneyland bound sisters who decided they would take him to his heaven on earth before he was taken to his heaven off earth. “I’ve always wanted to go to Disneyland doc. Can I go?” Sure Bill but don’t delay. “I won’t take any really long rides doc. How about a hug.”
\ The cancer did the usual lung cancer thing and spread voraciously. It was killing Bill too quickly. There is no miracle cure for lung cancer. Bill died. People wept at his funeral. I am a people. I thought of how impoverished Bill has now got the same amount of money in his pocket as the kazzillionaire who inevitably dies... bupkiss. Back at the office there was a gift waiting for me, a beautiful expensive mahogany framed picture. This gorgeous sketch of a Disney character adorns my wall today. It is one of the seven dwarfs. You guessed it… Doc."; dDaveText[12] = "“Hi, Rachel” I greeted the pretty blonde 22 year old patient sitting in my exam room “What brought you into the clinic today?”
\“The bus.”
\“I mean what seems to be your problem?”
\“Well doctor, I can’t see out of my right eye. My vision got blurry all of a sudden and a few minutes later I was completely blind in that eye!”
\“Hmmmm” (Note: this is an utterance first developed by students in first year medical school. More experienced doctors are able to thoughtfully stroke their goatees or snap their suspenders while hmmmmming.) “I see.” (Interpreted: “I have no clue what’s going on here.”)
\“Well I can’t! I was perfectly fine one minute and the next I had a headache and then my vision blurred and now...” And now tears and panic started to set in.
\Rachel did in fact go blind and this actual case did not turn out well. Rachel was taking the birth control pill, but unfortunately she also smoked. The combination had caused her to develop a blood clot that shot right into her ophthalmic artery and blinded her. Sadly, she will likely never recover.
\A patient recently asked, “Shouldn’t birth control pills be available in vending machines and cigarettes available only by prescription?” NO! Birth control pills are drugs. I am continuously surprised at the number of patients who take the combined estrogen pill even though they smoke or have other risk factors for blood clots.
\The birth control pill, which recently celebrated its 40th birthday, has been shown to be beneficial in decreasing troublesome menstrual cramps. Known medically as dysmennorhea, cramps remain the commonest cause of school absenteeism (sorry guys, forge that one on a note and you’ll either fail the lie detector or get pounded at recess). In fact, the pill has been shown to be useful in decreasing ailments from acne to iron deficiency anemia to ovarian cysts (which was actually the name of an all-girl band from my medical school; the Ovarian Cysters). Another benefit was seen when it was discovered that those who took the pill 10 years or more had a 70% decrease in ovarian cancer and a 60% decrease in uterine cancer!
\But the estrogen portion of the pill, combined with smoking, can lead to devastating blood clots that can form in the calves, from where it can be launched into the lungs. Clots can also form in the brain, the heart and as in the case of Rachel, the eye. Besides smokers, girls with classic type migraines, those that begin with an “aura,” as well as those who carry a nasty inherited clotting substance in their blood known as factor V Leiden, should avoid estrogen-based pills. A whopping five percent of the population carry factor V, though most never develop clots. If you fit into these categories, you should switch to the progesterone only pill (POP). This is the pill that breast feeding women use (POP for MOM), and though it must be taken exactly the same time each day and is slightly less effective as a contraceptive, it has none of the potentially dangerous side effects that estrogen has when combined with other risk factors. Depo Provera is the popular injection of progesterone that is given every 3 months and can be used by those at risk for blood clots, ie. smokers, migrainers.
\ And now, news from the “Maybe-It’s- The- Haggis?” file reports that the male birth control pill has been found to be 100% effective in tests conducted on Scottish men. I should pause here to defend the honor of my heritage and point out that Scottish men are as manly men as men can be. (One second as I adjust my wee kilt… whoops… this is my daughter’s skirt). While women make one egg per month, men produce 1,000 sperm every minute so you can imagine the trick in trying to develop a pill to shut down that little bagpipe factory. The bigger trick may be in trying to get men to actually take the pill. A recent survey indicated that less than 25% of men would actually take such a pill, though 97% stated they would claim that they did take it if it meant… not having to take out the garbage."; dDaveText[13] = "“Good to see you too, doctor, but, umm, why are you wrapping your arms around my waist?”
\“Actually I can’t quite, so I’m going to attach this measuring tape to the post and have you spin around.”
\“What does it read?”
\“46.”
\“Which is what in inches?”
\“OK. Now I have to measure your hip to waist ratio. That would be both hips Bloggins.”
\“Whoa! I’ll bring flowers next time, doc.”
\Forget those passè BMI numbers. It turns out that those calculations were useless, corrupt and irrelevant, the Liberal Party of measurements. Yesterdays mistake. By taking the square root of your height minus your weight on Thursday and multiplying it by the third power of the log of your dandruff count you could determine your BMI (Body Mass Icecream) This was apparently a predictor of your cardiac risk. One of my small Asian buddies, Vietnamese by ethnicity, would taunt me by sneaking up behind me as though I was Peter Sellers and reach around me to start chest compressions. Even though he had a bit of a Sake gut his BMI was considered low and he would tend to laud it over us Caucasian behemoths. If I were bigger and had a mean streak I would’ve sat on the little pest. Meanwhile my rugby player patients had BMI’s that according to the charts meant that they should have had 17 heart attacks, 34 strokes and sung the lead for Aida. Fact is that they didn’t have an ounce of fat on them outside of their skulls. A BMI does not differentiate muscle from fat from bone.
\The waist-hip ratio has now been determined to be the most accurate predictor of our risk of having the big Mac Attack, and now for scientific reasons.
\Big bulging bellies store a nasty fat that produces nasty hormones that do nasty things to the heart. Belly fat clogs up the liver, messes up insulin regulation and changes cholesterol levels for the worse.
\
1. Put down this paper and go and find a measuring tape.
\
2. Pick up this paper to read the next instruction.
\
3. Take your belly girth. Quit sucking in! Take it just above your navel (after removing all lint).
\
4. Hmmm. Put down newspaper and go and find a longer tape.
\
5. OK, now try the hips. Measure about the widest part of your caboose, the part that picks up the chair when you stand up.
\
6. Get son’s calculator. Divide the waist by the hip.
Should you have a ratio over 0.90 for men and 0.85 for women then you are the apple-shaped. You apples get primarily waisted with your fat storage and are in some metabolic trouble. You are predisposed to diabetes, heart attack, cancer, hypertension and may end up an apple crumble. Fat around your belly means you have fat around your vital organs. But if your ratio is less than 0.72, ie. fat predominantly in your hips, then you are pear-shaped. Those who are tragically hip with their fat storage have a difficult time shedding this type of fat even though it is safer to have fat on your hips than on your belly.
\“But doc, I think I’m a watermelon.”
\ “You know I think you’re right, Bloggins. Here meet my little buddy from Hanoi.”"; dDaveText[14] = "I would like to introduce you to chronotherapy. No, this is not yet another resurrection of some ancient alternative therapy that was abandoned long ago by civilizations that sacrificed giraffes and worshipped kumquats. A chronotherapist does not measure, massage or medicate your serum chronos. Chronotherapy is precision medical treatment based on the fact that your body is run by an internal clock that actually changes your physiology during the course of a day. This daily fluctuation of your body’s temperature, blood pressure, heart rate, sleepiness, urine output etc., is called the Circadian Rhythm. “Circadian” from the Greek “about a day” and “rhythm” from the Vaticanese “method of contraception that usually results in pregnancy”. \In fact, a tiny biological clock operates in the part of the brain known as the hypothalamus. This master pacemaker can actually be surgically removed. The clock, which runs off the light input from the eyes as well as its own internal hormones like melatonin, can be thrown off by shiftwork, frequent flying and aging. Resetting it involves holding the scan button while pressing the set button with the radio on FM.
\Besides daily fluctuations that occur in the body, there are also annual and monthly rhythms. Well recognized monthly rhythms, for example, include the female reproductive cycle and the male sock changing cycle. An annual clock regulates hibernation, depression, some types of headaches, and an overwhelming desire to dropkick anyone associated with collecting taxes.
\If your doctor is aware of chronotherapy, then rather than blanketing your system with drugs that may be working when you don’t need them to (and vice versa), he/she may be able to time medication to be synchronized with your body’s natural clock. Due to our circadian rhythm, certain conditions are worse at specific times of the day.
\6AM-Noon
\
Conditions you are most likely to have problems with on waking, include:
1. High Blood Pressure. Your BP rises rapidly the first two hours after waking. Your BP medication should be timed to coincide with this rise. As this is also the time of day that your pulse is the fastest, it is no surprise that you may suffer…
\
2. Heart Attacks. The most common time of the day to incur a heart attack is 8 AM, which is why I always set my alarm for 8:27. This is also when angina is at its worst.
\
3. Nasal allergy symptoms. Those with seasonal allergies typically jolt the entire neighborhood out of bed early in the AM as they sneeze the frontal lobes right out their nostrils. Take the antihistamine at night.
\
4. Honey I’ve got a Migraine Headache is a legitimate excuse… er complaint, if used in the morning when migraines usually occur.
\
5. Rheumatoid Arthritis pain. RA pain is worse in the AM, therefore target this time by taking a long acting smart bomb anti-inflammatory at night.
Noon-6PM
\
A good time to be alive as all systems work better in the afternoon.
6PM-Midnight
\
1. Pain of osteoarthritis. After a day of wear and tear, the weight bearing joints of OA begin to throb. Take the anti inflammatory medication mid-afternoon.
\
2. Maximum stomach acid production is at 6 PM. This is the optimal time to take your antacids. Newer ulcer pills called PPI’s are taken in the AM but timed to reduce this evening acid.
\
3. Scabies itch. These little critters have their own clocks that wake them up as you start off to sleep. If your skin rash itches at night, it’s scabies until proven otherwise.
Midnight-6AM
\
1.The night belongs to Asthma. Asthma medication should be targeted to be effective at this time ie., prednisone, if taken, should be taken at 1500h.
\
2. Ulcer crisis. Stomach ulcer pain worsens at night.
\
3. Transient total amnesia. Selective male memory loss occurs most often during the Stanley Cup playoffs.<\p> \
And the beat goes on.";
dDaveText[15] = "
While leafing through a leading medical journal, Woman’s Red McCosmolaine, I came upon a pair of female breasts. Actually, it was just a picture. Below was a caption announcing “FAST FOOD OUTLETS “(available in two convenient locations.) This ad for infant drive-through's got me doing some serious pondering about breasts. As a doctor, this is something I am permitted to do between the hours of 9-5.
\Mammaries (or in medical terms, BREASTS) have been attached to the body human:
\a) As a source of infant nutrition. All infants have the right to be breast fed and so they should be until such time as both parties agree on a nipple separation (based on a precuptual agreement). Breast feeding passes on important antibodies to the babe. As a result, they can more easily battle several common childhood afflictions including colds, diarrhea, ear infections and purple dinosaurs. Infants and breasts should be bosom buddies for a minimum of 4 months and though there is no maximum limit, I think we all get a little tired of Sunshine Hokanson-Hokanson showing up at school recess to feed her 11 year old son, Moonshadow.
\b) To personally embarrass me. True story coming up (these are rare). One day a rather hefty woman with breasts the size of Manitoba lurched into the office with a nasty cough that needed listening to. Normally I put my stethoscope to the patients chest and order “OK now, big breath”. To my horror, I actually said with stethoscope firmly planted somewhere between Winnipeg and Lake Nipigon, “OK now, big breast”. Did I ever feel like a huge boob… ’er… fool.
\Unfortunately, breasts are a favorite target of cancer. One in every nine women will develop breast cancer. It remains the 2nd leading cause of death in women between ages 35-54.
\Monthly breast self exams should be performed as follows: Divide the breast into four quadrants (in your mind only) and feel each quadrant for any changes or unusual lumps that weren’t there last month. Do this in both a sitting and lying position. Eighty percent of all tumours will be in the upper outer quadrant ,which includes the tail of the breast extending up into the axilla (armpit). Remember, most lumps are nothing more than wee cysts, benign lumps, or teeth left by your last child, but if it is a new lump, have it seen to.
\Every two years after the age of 40, and annually from ages 50-70, all women, regardless of risk factors, should have a “mammogram.” The “Ma’am” comes from the politeness of the technician, while “ogram” is from the Greek, meaning “to squish really flat”. Your breast will be placed between two plastic compression paddles manufactured by the CIA’s interrogation unit. A simple X-ray is then taken. This is only a screening test. Should anything suspicious appear, you will then be called back for a more intense (squished really really flat), diagnostic (get out the Aunt Jemima) mammogram.
\Men are not exempt either! For every 100 women who get this very common cancer, there will be one man, usually named Bert, who actually will get breast cancer! He of course must go for a sir-o-gram.
\ Whoops! I’d like to keep you further abreast of this topic but I’ve just noticed....it’s 5:15 and I’m going to head to the drive through… for a milk shake."; dDaveText[16] = "From the Going-Just-a-Tad-Overboard file comes the story of Elizabeth McGarry, detained at Kennedy Airport by security staff for attempting to stow breast milk aboard a plane. She was forced to drink from her own breast milk (I assume that she used bottles, otherwise… well…) to prove to security that it was not going to be used to bring about the destruction of the free world. Far be it from me to judge these boobs… er… security staff, but what, other than a stiff breeze, was going through their minds? “Ralph, I need backup over in sector 7. It appears we might have a 36D in progress.”
\Is breast milk dangerous? Well, hold on to your soothers folks because, in the wrong hands, it can be downright nasty.
\The advantages of breast milk (for babies) are now well documented. Breast-fed infants have less asthma, allergies, ear infections, gastrointestinal infections, meningitis, respiratory infections, etc. They enjoy an IQ some 8 points higher on average than their formula fed friends, have more fun at the beach and are responsible for world peace in Kansas.
\Every pediatrician from Dr. Spock to Captain Kangaroo recommends that babies enjoy mother’s milk for at least six months, longer if possible. Even the mother derives benefits, encountering less ovarian and premenopausal breast cancer, to say nothing of the bonding that takes place while Junior latches on and tugs away as though he were in a Slurpee guzzling contest.
\But the breast can also be a dumping ground for many environmental toxins a mother might have been exposed to over the years. Breasts, being primarily fat, accumulate fat-soluble toxins such as benzenes, toluens, mercury, lead, broccoli and more importantly PCBs and dioxin's. Humans are at the top of the food chain (excluding grizzly bears and those freaky guys in Lord of the Rings.) Over many years, humans gradually accumulate fat-soluble toxins from plants and animals that have been reared in a pesticide-laden, chemical soup. These are in turn concentrated in breast milk and from there a whopping 20% of a mother’s total fat-soluble chemical load is transferred to the baby over six months of breast-feeding. With several tons of PCB’s falling on the Canadian Arctic, Arctic mothers are now found with large concentrations of toxins in their milk, after it thaws out. Inuit children were subsequently found to have a mildly diminished immune system.
\Recently it was discovered that women in Michigan who ate fish from the Great Lakes ended up suckling their wee ones into significant developmental delay, thanks to PCB’s and dioxin's.
\But don’t throw out the baby with the breast milk just yet. Breast-feeding remains head and shoulders above any other method of infant nutrition. But there are some useful precautions to take should pregnancy or breast feeding (the latter often requiring the former) be in your future.
\1. Avoid extended exposure to dry cleaners, hair salons, print shops, body shops or any other environment where solvents, fumes, metals, paint thinners etc. might be inhaled.
\
2. Avoid hobbies such as glass staining, model building or glue sniffing.
\
3. Wash foods of all pesticides thoroughly or use organically grown food.
\
4. Ensure your workplace is safe for pregnant and lactating women. Have an industrial hygienist assess this if necessary.
\
5. Decrease use of cleaning products around the home or work. (Guys, my hate mail box is already full.)
\
6. Don’t eat fish from rivers or lakes that have high potential of contamination.
\
7. Avoid renovating homes built before 1950. (leaded paint)
\
8. Decrease exposure to caffeine, alcohol, nicotine and drugs as most of these are passed in breast milk.
I knew this would be trouble. As I slipped the needle into her breast I could feel it scrape up against the lump. It was hard and made a sound like a knife scraping against a rock. I could not penetrate the lump nor draw back that reassuring fluid, indicative of a benign cyst. This one was cancer. She was 43. I knew that she would be facing months of what one patient described to me graphically as “slice, burn and poison” as she underwent surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy in a valiant attempt to subdue this savage interloper. But why her? She didn’t have a family history of breast cancer. She didn’t drink or smoke, though, much to her chagrin, her husband smoked throughout their 21-year marriage. She exercised regularly, was not overweight and usually ate sensibly. Could she have caught this cancer? Was it just bad luck? Could her husband have given her breast cancer? Yes… possibly he could have!
\The evidence is mounting that second hand smoke has a causal relationship with breast cancer. The latest of several studies done on the carcinogenic effects of second hand smoke indicated that not only does the risk of breast cancer increase, but even premenopausal breast cancer (normally only 10% of all breast cancers) doubles in the face of second hand smoke.
\Can your spouse actually be the cause of your cancer? The sobering answer is, yes.
\And not just from second-hand smoke.
\Cervical cancer claims the lives of 5,000 North American women each year.
\The omnipresent Human Papilloma Virus or HPV is rampant in those who are not monogamous. HPV is a sexually transmitted virus which an estimated 20% of those who are sexually active harbor in their genital tracts without knowing it. Condoms often do not prevent HPV transmission. Over 60 strains of this virus exist. Some strains are responsible for the nasty genital warts that are so difficult to treat and so aesthetically unpleasing. Other strains of HPV, however, are the cause of changes in the cervix that leads to cervical cancer. HPV has become so prominent that vaccination against this virus is being considered, as cancer prevention!
\Nuns, being celibate, NEVER get cervical cancer, the leading cause of cancer death in women worldwide. Non- nuns, however, can “catch” cervical cancer. The risk factors are as follows:
\1. Becoming sexually active at a young age.
\
2. Having herpes or genital warts.
\
3. Smoking.
\
4. Being promiscuous or having been with a partner who was promiscuous.
Frantically I darted to the right, back to the left, then desperately dashed towards the fly ball heading in my direction in right field. This position is where the coach usually played me as he explained that it strengthened our team if I stood guard deep in right field. As I rushed forth, arm extended high above my head, the ball soared over my outstretched glove and plunked down at the spot I had just vacated and where for the past hour had been carving my initials in the turf. “You stink!” sneered wee Billy Ramsbottom. “You couldn’t catch a cold if I sneezed on you.” To this I mustered my wittiest retort and let him have it: “Sooooo.” Further defending my honor, I thrust my silver tongue at him, jutting my jaw forward to enhance the effect. My kids, watching from the stands were not amused. But Billy, guess what? I can catch a cold. I am now sitting here with a Jimmy Durante nose, feet in hot water and a voice that sounds like Fran Drescher snorkeling. [Note: Please do not pester your doctor if you simply have a cold. I have now caught a cold from one of you and am so miserable that I may have to go pester my doctor.]
\What else could I catch if Billy sneezed on me? What if I could catch cancer or catch a heart attack or an ulcer? Well, recent really relevant research reveals that an infection may actually be the cause for many diseases we previously thought were due to bad habits, bad genes or bad luck. In fact, it appears that an infectious agent may be responsible for diseases that range from the painful bone tumor multiple myeloma to the debilitating multiple sclerosis to multiple kidney stones.
\Cancer
\At least two types of cancers have been related to a virus. Though the virus itself is not the cancer, it may promote or trigger cancer. Cancer of the female cervix is related to the human papilloma virus (HPV), the same virus that causes those attractive genital warts. Though it is de test women detest, the Pap smear has saved many thousands of lives. Prior to this screening test becoming a routine (albeit despised) part of a woman’s physical, cervical cancer was a very common cause of death in women of all ages. It appears that a virus has been the culprit. Do condoms protect against HPV and its sequelae of cervical cancer and genital warts? Not necessarily.
\Another cancer with a viral link is multiple myeloma, a painful bone tumor of the vertebral column that kills 3 Canadians every day.
\Stomach Ulcers
\Long thought to be caused only by stress, smoking, and being a Canuck fan, it is now recognized that some 8-9 different species of a bacteria known as Helicobacter pylori is a major cause of stomach ulcers. It even appears to be a source of stomach cancer. A simple blood test can reveal whether or not that Maalox muncher in your family has H. pylori. Two weeks of medication and it is usually gone.
\Heart Attack
\Long thought to be only caused by smoking, high blood pressure and being a Canuck fan, some researchers still feel that the common bacteria Chlamydia can get right into the fatty Big Mac plaques that line your coronary arteries. Your body mounts a response to these invaders and the plaque swells up causing blockage of the artery. BOOM!!!
\ The good news is that if infections cause heart disease and cancers then you may one day be able to be vaccinated against heart attacks, cancer and even… fly ball dropsy."; dDaveText[19] = "Should we as doctors be healthy role models to our youth? If we aren’t should we lose our jobs? Recently a raft of rather rotund doctors in Austria’s state-run clinics with a BMI (body mass index) over 25 received letters telling them to shape up or they’re fired! Fired for being fat. Fired for being a roll model.
\One in three kids in North America are overweight while a Big Whoppering nine million kids are classified as obese. Pediatric obesity is the greatest health threat facing our children. Some, unfortunately, are primed to be large as a genetic battle between hormones like ghrelin and leptin is waged in the internal milieu. But many others, the corpulent computer-keystered Kripsy Kremed kids, are also developing a host of co-morbid conditions associated with obesity that up until now have never been heard of in children. A life sentence of misery secondary to Type Two diabetes is showing up in younger and younger kids. More recently NASH (non alcoholic hepatitis), previously a purview of plump, portly, or puffy parents is now showing up in obese youth and damaging their livers. 12-year old livers are looking like they’ve been abused in the Navy (motto: “We Sail Wet”) for 20 years.
\A few tips on how to prevent your young ‘un from becoming a big ‘un.
\1. Best thing to do for an obese child is to give him a prescription for a new set of parents. Studies indicate that many parents with obese kids, especially overweight boys see their child through rose-colored glasses and don’t see the “big” problem. “Porky’s not obese, doctor, he’s just big boned. Now you’ve upset him. There there now, you’re mommy’s little Piglet, have another Oreo and don’t listen to that Austrian.”
\2. “Breast is best.” Another Navy motto but also refers to the fact that the GUTS (Growing Up Today Study) found that children who had been breast fed were 34% less likely to become obese regardless of how chubby or diabetic their mother is. Of course if your big baby is twenty seven years old then perhaps he’s just best left fat.
\3. Role model v. roll model. “OK kid go out and do some push ups or something just leave me alone and keep away from my remote!” Kids born to overweight moms are 15 times likely to be obese by age six and in fact start to pack on the Gerbers by age three.
\4. Remove words like “fat”, “exercise” and “diet” and replace with more fun euphemisms like “play”, “great nutrition” and “kumquat” (Kumquat has nothing to do with this article I just think it’s a fun word.)
\5. Don’t eat in front of TV, in fact get rid of your TV. Go ahead. In fact, if you have a 52inch LCD then as a caring medical professional it would be in your best interest for me to remove that from your home. Trust me. I am only thinking of you, your children and the playoffs.
\6. Eat as a family.
\7. Eat like the French, Slowly all day lunches with excessive amount of wine. I believe this works because the diners pass out and don’t wake up in time to eat supper. Make the meal a marathon not a sprint. Try to stretch out the meal or you’ll stretch out your Lulu Lemons.
\8. Start meals with salad or soup. Stuff ‘em early, stuff em hard! (They won’t be able to wolf down dessert.)
\9. Fridge full of healthy snacks like carrot sticks , celery sticks and Snickers sticks. Obesity does not come from eating the wrong things, it also comes from not eating the right things. Undernourished kids gain weight as they get hungry and end up eating cardboard-like products.
\10. No junk food in the house. Changing eating habits as a child is easier than treating obesity as an adult. I might add that nowhere on the Snickers wrapper does it actually refer to itself as a junk food per se.
\11. Be active in promoting active lifestyle options for kids in your community.
\12. Let them get their sleep. Leptin, a good guy hormone is released during sleep.
\ 13. Move to Vienna."; dDaveText[20] = "Doctors younger than Dick Clark have never seen smallpox. It has been completely eradicated from the earth thanks to mass immunization. Vaccination is a major player in disease eradication and prevention of the future. Currently, children need to report to the doctor’s office at age 2,4,6,12,18,60 months for their shots. Before going any further in this article I wish to make clear that I fully endorse complete and total immunization of ALL children. I would also like to endorse the taking of these children, for their shots, to any office other than my own. I wish to endorse clean Fruit of the Loom jockey underwear as Doctor Appreciated. I wish to endorse Jean Chretien to run for president (of Rwanda).
\The vaccines, which cover a host of potentially debilitating diseases, and have drastically reduced childhood morbidity and mortality over the years, are safe and necessary. The problem with vaccines are …giving the shot to the child.
\The coping techniques of the kids getting a needle are strictly age dependent and are as follows:
\1.Age 4-9 months. The open-mouthed-flirtatious-smile technique. “Cute aren’t I,? So cute in fact that you don’t wanna hurt little ol’ me. You don’t wanna stick that... what the....why you sonofagun you’re going to nail me aren’t you?! OK just for that.... OWWWWWW that smarts, now I’m gonna scream like the dickens”. This, of course, is exactly what Junior does, disrupting all the other babes in the waiting room, who up to this point, have all been peacefully practising their flirtatious smiles. Within moments, the contagious crying virus has spread throughout the office, turning the entire waiting room into a wailing room. Watching Junior leave the office in hysterics, rug rats and rugby players alike huddle nervously together, thumbs sucked right down to bone.
\2. Age 12-18 months. The Distraction Technique. Upon opening the door to the examining room, a wee arm bolts out in front of me to redirect my attention. Junior points out things on the wall that he wishes me to examine as he blurts out “gammasnurgumsbee.” I turn and look to the wall, giving the poor soul a fleeting sense of success, then I turn back with a knowing smile that we both recognize means “Ha, didn’t fool me, Junior”. Desperately, he points to something else and I play along, then turn back to him. Finally, like a real man he points to his mother declaring “kiccyboullammybabas” meaning “Take her, she’s already lived most of her life and does the pain thing way better than I do.”
\3. Age 2-3 yrs. The Armadillo . Junior rolls up in a tight ball, adopting the fetal position on mom’s lap and exposing nothing but the soles of his shoes to the doctor. The eyes are squeezed shut in order to make the evil purveyor of pain disappear. At any hint, however, of a foreign object about to touch his skin, he is poised to spring out with a left hook aimed directly for the center of the white coat.
\4. Age 3. Simply run for it. Quickly boot the doctor in the shins on the way out. An apologetic mother scoots off down the hall trying to catch him before he hops on the Helijet.
\Parent Techniques
\1. Get Junior his own doctor kit so at home he can play doctor and inspect your ears, listen to your heart, remove the cat’s appendix, etc.
\2. Some parents ask “What can I do? My kid gets so nervous.”
\My answer “ Valium.”
\“But what dose do I give Junior”
\“Give Junior nothing but take one yourself”. Most nervous kids have parents who could give a bad case of nerves to a leech (who only have one nerve). Adrenaline pumping comments like “SIT STILL!! ITS NOT GOING TO REALLY REALLY HURT THAT MUCH IF YOU JUST HOLD STILL WHILE HE JABS YOU WITH THAT HUGE NEEDLE” gets Junior’s pulse up to about 800.
\3. Empty the house of all furniture once Junior starts to walk. The eyebrow lacerations from smacking their cranium into the coffee table require needles to freeze the cut. Junior is usually thrashing about on the table as I try and jab him just above his eyeball with a syringe. I then scrape the unconscious parent off the floor.
\ 4. Send the other parent."; dDaveText[21] = "Why is it that diets have such harsh sounding K-type names like PritiKin, AtKins and Kellogg Special K? Would diets not be more enticing if they used kinder, gentler soothing sounds such as Nestle, Hershey and Peppermint Patty? “I’m here to see Dr. Wonka about starting the Tootsie roll diet.”
\Too busy advising a diet of high fibre, low fat, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, blah blah blah, seldom do we admonish adopting a diet high in chocolate macaroons, Black Forest cake or Baby Ruth's. Well chocoholics may want to unite behind researchers at the University of California who are uncovering the positive medical benefits of chocolate. As it turns out, the cocoa plant is loaded in good old catechins, polyphenols and certain flavenoids. Not only do these phytochemicals appear to have an intriguing cardioprotective effect, they also actually decrease nasty LDL cholesterol. Chocolate has a positive effect on brain neurotransmitters and can act as a mood enhancer. Cocoa has also been found to be rich in powerful cancer-fighting antioxidants. In fact, in 1998 the British Medical Journal printed studies that showed that a few pieces of chocolate a month actually helped to extend life! Hey, sign me up for the study! Give me a chocolate physical, heck go ahead and inoculate me, intravenously.
\Should chocolate become the newest health treatment, I’d be the first to open up a Willie Wonka candy-oriented clinic. We’d be open After Eight as we Skittle about spreading Mounds of fun and Almond Joy. We’d use Pez dispensers to take temperatures (oral only). We could fudge the test results. “Congratulations Sweet Marie, you’re expecting Twix. You’re going to have a couple of everlasting gobstoppers.” Terminal patients could eat Death by Chocolate and... OK, I can tell I’m getting carried away here as evidenced by the saliva on my keyboard. (“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”…Willie Wonka)
\ Though it’s unlikely we’ll ever see Hershey’s Phenylethyamine bar on the candy shelf, the names of certain candy bars do in fact remind me of some of the exciting new medications available today. For example: \1. M&M’s could well stand for Maxeran and Maxalt, the latest in treatment for migraines. Many migraineurs suffer from debilitating nausea/vomiting, which often prevents the ingestion of medicine. Maxeran abolishes the nausea. Maxalt is a wonderful new migraine drug that, like M&M’s, melts in your mouth, not in your stomach. It is actually a wafer that dissolves on the tongue and works so well at curing the headache that is now far and away my favorite drug for treating migraines.
\2. Aero - Asthmatics can be severely aero-challenged. Their life is one of puffers, pills and panicky panting. Now a new disk, Advair, has revolutionized asthma treatment as it has consolidated various puffers into a single device. No more multiple puffers. This disk is not only very easy to operate but it is highly effective for moderate to severe asthmatics.
\3. Butterfinger - For those who have blood running in their butterstream, several new and effective cholesterol-lowering medications can now lower your serum grease levels to normal.
\4. Sees Chocolates - No real medical correlation, but I include these in hopes that the free advertising in this widely read column will generate a “thank you” from this very wonderful company with handsome and generous management.
\5. Mercedes Benz - ditto, (why not) 6. Mr. Big, Skor, and Oh Henry! : Viagra has revolutionized ED (erectile dysfunction). Previously treated only by injections, vacuum devices and implants, the little blue pill is now one of the commonest prescriptions prescribed by prescribers.
\ Do stay tuned for more exciting results of long term chocolate studies. Even if “the suspense is terrible… I hope it’ll last.” Wonka"; dDaveText[22] = "My grandfather used to stretch back after a Sunday dinner, his fishbelly-white legs decorated with jet black socks on one end and Bermuda shorts on the other, light a cigar and clear his throat. We’d glance around in desperate search of ear cotton, knowing that we were in for a repetitive round of reminiscing of really remote regions and times. The stories might begin with how he’d broken his leg while single handedly taking out an entire enemy bunker (we later learned he had fallen off a table whilst attempting to catch a greased pig in the Officers Mess) and end with how, in the Great Depression of the 30’s, he survived on potato peelings and squirrel’s milk. Thirty years later, and after a long week in the office, I realized that I have turned into my grandfather. Not only do I feel as though I’ve seen many depressions but I’ve also noted that my legs need a whole lotta sun.
\Underlying depression is at the root of a huge proportion of modern North American disease (or dis-ease). Clinical depression will affect at least 10-15% of the population at some time in their lives. It comes in mild, moderate and get-me-Kevorkian. Unfortunately some victims associate depression with weakness and thus may be ashamed to seek help. By recognizing the symptoms of depression you might be able to help make a discouraged life a little more livable.
\1. Mild depression may be nothing more than fatigue and/or loss of interest in things that normally caused you to jump for joy. Feeling as energetic as Rip Van Winkle on Valium, you no longer derive great glee from dangling your kids by the feet over the zoo’s alligator exhibit. The fun just seems to be missing.
\Should this be treated with antidepressants? The definitive answer is… that all depends.
\2. Moderate depression, which symptoms include:
\a) sleep disorder. Insomnia and/or the inability to get out of bed.
\
b) decreased appetite (anorexia) or conversely... overeating
\
c) lack of ability to make… well… to make… ahhhh… well… decisions
\
d) spontaneous tearing
\
e) feelings of guilt
\
f) not getting pleasure out of life anymore, known as anhedonia
Clinical depression must be treated. In addition to some very effective medications counselling with a doctor who practices cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) may change a patients life forever. CBT focuses on the fact that the “optimist invents the airplane while the pessimist invents the parachute”. Depression can stem from one perceives life’s little stressors. If you are naturally pessimistic then you may suffer a negative view of yourself, your situation in life and your future.
\To patients who have a history of repeatedly getting down in the dumps, techniques of distraction may be needed in order to avoid constant negative ruminations. Besides socializing more, I might recommend renting a movie from the comedy section. It is often more therapeutic to laugh for a couple of hours at someone making a fool of themselves on a video (Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Jean Chretien) than to constantly isolate yourself with your gloomy thoughts.
\3. Severe depression is best described as a black cloud sitting over a blue patient. Lack of self worth, excessive guilt and suicidal thoughts are part of this beast. Seek help yesterday.
\ SADS, a mnemonic for Seasonal Affective Disorder, means that for some, as days become shorter, nights become intolerably long and depressing. North of the equator the shortest day of the year dovetails cruelly with the peak of the holiday season, a time when the lonely are lonelier, the melancholy are sadder and depression is deep seated. I see some very sad human beings in my office this time of year, pleading for some emotional strength. It is my hope that you will be aware of others who may be in need of you as a distraction this holiday season."; dDaveText[23] = "“Daaad, I’ve got to go… oo… oo.”
\“Put a stranglehold on it son, we’ll be there shortly.”
\“Daaaad, I mean right here! Right now!!”
\“OK! Here use this empty Mountain Dew bottle” I relent, reaching into the back seat of the jalopy and handing Junior a male-compatible-bladder-relief-recyclable bottle. A few sighs and one bitter complaint (coinciding with a pothole) later, this now perfectly venomous bottle is sealed up with a cap and placed gingerly beside the seat. All is well and forgotten as we stopped to pick up my teenage daughter on this hot summer day. Within seconds of hopping into the car, she cracks open the Mountain Dew and without a word from a smirking brother… down the hatch!
\To this day, my daughter not only reflexively gags and retches every time she sees Mountain Dew, but until recent therapy, she hasn’t bought any drink without first making the clerk drink half of it.
\Now I realize that everyone has their own family urine-mistaken-for-soda story, but I bring this one up to illustrate the everyday occurrences of a turn-of-the-century doctor. Should a patient present to the doctor with symptoms consistent with diabetes, the only way a physician could test for the disease was to actually taste the sweetness of the urine. While some may feel doctors are fortunate that they do not have to taste urine today, keep in mind there was no NDP in the 1800’s, and given the choice...
\The history of diabetes is one that every Canadian can take pride in. Long ago and far away, early physicians noted that in patients who were very thirsty and urinated a lot, ants and flies would congregate about the patients’ urine.
\Early MD Galen: “Wow there’s lots of ants swimming in that vat of urine.”
\Early MD Josephus: “I wonder what they’re doing in there?”
\Galen: “The backstroke?”
\Josephus (between rib separating laughter): “Gale, you really vivisection me.”
\But for some reason that frankly smacks of scientific neglect, nobody actually thought to taste the urine. Finally, in the 17th century, an Oxford physician named Willis discovered the sugary taste of diabetic urine.
\“Hey, guys… over here… taste this”.
\“Yummmm Willi, what is this sweet nectar of delight?”
\“Mountain Dew, ha!”
\This was not a good day for the medical profession. It now introduced urine tasting into the everyday life of a doctor. Many left the profession and became executioners or hairdressers.
\Medical school interviews changed. “So young Westminster, you wish to be a physician. Are you sir, prepared to stamp out disease, ease the burden of the ill and… oh… I dunno… well do you like Tic Tacs?”
\ A few years later it had been noted that a dog, whose pancreas had been removed, ran about piddling constantly, a symptom of diabetes, a disease that my own dog must have in spades. It was recognized that something in the pancreas must offset the dreaded and invariably fatal diabetes. Enter Dr. Frederick Banting of Toronto, his medical student Charles Best and a host of eager dogs with assorted tubes stuck in their pancreases. Now I don’t begrudge Dr. Banting his due, but it’s the medical student part that bothers me. In modern times the only difference between a med student and dog doodoo is that you don’t deliberately step on dog poop. Few of us won Nobel Prizes. But apparently in 1921, this young fellow helped Banting discover insulin in the pancreas. They quickly extracted the insulin, injected it into diabetic patients, and the effect was nothing short of miraculous. The world rejoiced, Nobel Prizes were doled out and dogs got to keep their pancreases. My daughter could care less."; dDaveText[24] = "Mama.. Don’t let your babies grow up to be… doctors. Let `em be cowboys or rugby players or things…
\How many of you health conscious readers woke up this morning thinking about your left parathyroid. Likely about as many who woke up thinking about their pancreas or their uvula (that little worm like piece of meat that dangles in the back of your throat like bait and neither of us knows what for). The only people who give thought to these pieces of their anatomy are those who have a pain of that specific spot. You simply don’t spend too much time grateful for the smooth operation of your esophagus unless it isn’t working. Unfortunately, the same is true for your doctors. Chances are few of you woke up thinking of your doctor this morning unless you had a dream involving scalpels, a hemmorhoid and Fear Factor. But soon as something awful happens such as waking up with that uvula wrapped painfully around your parathyroid, you are on the phone to the doc. Nobody ever calls up when they are feeling good. “Doctor, I thought I’d let you know that I have no pain anywhere and all systems are going well. My bowels are working great, my sinuses are clear and my skin looks fine. Frankly doc, I feel so good I need a depressant.” No, instead we pretty much get to spend our entire day listening to bad news from hurtin’ folks.
\One night while deep in the land of the dream weaver, at home in bed, I received a call at approximately 03:17.24 AM from a woman I had never met, who was a patient of one of the doctors that I was on call for that night. She complained about pain in her left whatchyamacallit radiating to her right thingamajig. When I asked if she’d ever experienced this before, she replied “Check my chart, I was in the office last week” . I explained to her that I was in my own bed and not, as she had actually thought, sitting in her doctors office in the middle of the night waiting to hear about her whatchyamacallit and how it hadn’t been working properly for three years now. Her response was “Well what are we paying you for?” In fact, doctors get paid $0.00, regardless of how many times we answer your calls, night or day. Just part of our “calling” (sorry).
\Myth: Doctors work from dawn to dusk
\
Fact: Doctors above the Arctic circle do not work to dusk during the summer solstice
Myth: Doctors are lousy husbands
\
Fact: I have never heard any of my ex-wives actually say exactly that...specifically
Myth: Doctors never get sick
\
Fact: We get sick all the time. We just horde the best drugs
Myth: Doctors make oodles of money
\
Fact: Doctors make less per hour than the Dickie Dee ice cream man
Myth: Doctors make lousy investors
\
Fact: Doctors invest well, it’s just the companies we invest in are run poorly
Myth: Doctors wear white coats to appear more clinical and dignified
\
Fact: Doctors eat Sloppy Joe’s for lunch, then wear their lab coats
Myth: Doctors usually marry nurses
\
Fact: Doctors do fight with nurses but they might not necessarily be married
Myth: Doctors have an intense distrust of lawyers
\
Fact: OK you got me
Myth: Doctors are edukated and literate
\
Fact: Read my column";
dDaveText[25] = "
Forget the parentless punks posing in gangs or the homicidal midnight street racers of doom or even Hedy Fry, the real threat to our society are the gentle genial geriatric gems. The blind, deaf or demented who insist on getting behind the wheel of a car and terrifying innocent thugs, pedestrians and lampposts. Safer to play duck duck goose with Dick Cheney and his buckshot-o’-surprise than cross the street in a town full of nonogenerian ninjas in Neons. Thank goodness for the donut-free cops protecting you every day in the battlefields of doctor’s offices, your friendly GP.
\“I’m sorry, Mr. Magoo, but I don’t think I can certify you, at least not to drive.”
\
“But doc I can still make out the E on your chart outside.”
\
“That’s the Emergency sign and it’s five feet tall.”
\
“Used to be but I shrunk a little. Can still see over the steering wheel on occasion though.”
\
“Not good enough Magoo.”
\
“Doc, don’t take away my license. My car and I are inseparable.”
\
“Which is why you backed it up right into my waiting room?”
\
“Hmm. That would explain the shattering glass, high-pitched scream sounds I keep hearing.”
\
“No that’s your hearing aid going off. Drowns out the moans.”
\
“Look, I can almost turn my neck without blacking out.”
\
“Sorry.”
\
“No heart attacks in over a month now, doc.”
\
“No good.”
\
“I have an extra $200 lying in my pocket.”
\
“Well Ok, maybe we’ll have one more look.”
Three main areas are assessed to determine fitness to drive including vision, cognition and motor skills. Several medical conditions can mean you should consider giving up your license before you hurt someone you love, a pedestrian or a spouse. Arthritis, Alzheimers, substance abuse, diabetes, Parkinsons, sleep apnea are among the diseases that require a driving assessment. Taking away a license is amongst the most unpleasant tasks we are called upon to do as it can mean social isolation, depression and even violent caning of the dastardly doctor who denied. It can put more pressure on the rest of the family to drive grandpa to Polydent sales or weekly transfusions.
\But what seniors lack in operational skills they often make up for in tactical and strategic skills and so that has to be considered. Tactics include driving 15 mph with the left turn signal well prepared in advance by, say, just keeping it permanently in the on position. Strategic skills would be the two month advance plan for the trip to the doctor’s office at the end of the block.
\ This actual patient handout (somewhat revised) can help you determine if you might be at risk when you drive.An Eye Cue Test
\1. The most sensitive part of the human body is:
\A. the tongue
\
B. the nipple
\
C. the tongue and the nipple after a visit to Popeye Payne’s Pelt Piercing Palace
\
D. male remote control trigger finger during playoffs
\
E. the cornea of the eye
The correct answer is E. The shiny part of the eye, the cornea, is so sensitive that a small piece of grit landing on it may feel as though a hot poker was just extinguished in your head.
\2. “I’ve got something stuck in my eye” is a common complaint:
\A. overheard at Bill’s Dart Emporium
\
B. From Mr. Potato head
\
C. Which may be nothing more than the slightest of scratches on the cornea
\
D. Relayed to Jim by Tammy Fae
The correct answer is C. A small scratch of the skin of the eye hurts each time the eyelid blinks, creating a sensation that a foreign body is stuck under the eyelid.
\3. Which is NOT associated with the cornea.
\A. herpes
\
B. playing hockey without a face visor
\
C. transplants
\
D. cataracts
The correct answer is D. Cataracts are a clouding of the lens which is inside the eye, not the cornea. A damaged cornea may need a corneal transplant. Herpes can infect the cornea.
\4. Which of the following does the most damage to the cornea
\A. infection of the cornea
\
B. playing against Ray Charles at Bill’s Dart Emporium
\
C. slivers/foreign bodies
\
D scratch
\
E staring directly at the sun, a welder’s torch or Donny Osmond mid smile.
The answer is A. This assumes that you wear eye protection when playing with Mr. Charles (also known as Ray-Bans).
\In 1995 I was the sole doctor for five remote and very primitive islands in the southern part of Vanuatu, a forgotten part of the world, I had no communications with these islands other than a old radio which was so poor it made smoke signals look like DVD. In brokun Eengleeesh came the concern crackling over the radio that someone had gotten something in his eye. “Send him over to my island” I instructed. Three agonizing days later a young, muscular man arrived with a metal stake protruding from his eye! His village people had canoed him over and then walked half way across my island to get to me. He was amazingly stoic, tough as nails. The eye was destined for death and unless I removed the horribly infected mass that emanated from his eye socket, he was too. I froze his face (as a bush doctor, you do all your own surgery, anesthesia, awfulmology, nurse harassment, etc) and proceeded to remove the eye and sew the eyelids together. Later that same day he went back home.
\An injured cornea is one of the more common problems seen in doctors’ offices. The cornea may have fallen victim to a foreign body, an infection or a corneal scratch.
\Metal stakes aside, most foreign bodies are easily removed by means of having a doctor remove them with a simple needle. The sight of a needle approaching the windows of the soul elicits no shortage of fear and trepidation, often accompanied by a robust left hook. In fact, this is a relatively painless procedure after the patient has had a few drops (that would be eyedrops).
\Infections of the cornea need to be monitored closely by a doctor.
\ A scratch (corneal abrasion) used to be treated with a swashbuckling patch for 24 hours, but now most patients can get away with some anti-inflammatory drops and a pair of …Ray- Bans."; dDaveText[27] = "Ever seen a fish fish? No no?. Well say hello to the anglerfish, a disgusting looking denizen of the deep that actually fishes for other fish. She has a fishing rod that hangs off her head and emits a little light to attract supper, not unlike the way my uncle Ernie hunts and fishes. But the light is also used to attract a potential mate who, unable to see well deep in the ocean, is attracted to the light. Upon realizing it is a female he sinks his teeth into her and is her mate for life. Even if the light gets bright and he actually gets a peek at his repulsive bride it’s too late for cold fins, they are wed until shark do them part.
\The fish was part of a museum exhibit entitled Fatal Attractions showing instances in nature of dangerous mating behaviors of creatures of the wild including bugs, fish, mixed up moose, a rather obscene snail and his love dart, Michael Douglas, etc.
\The male octopus, a known cannibal, will either mate or eat’m the meat (Spot all three anagrams?) A male grouse has to expose himself (so to speak) in an open area in order to properly show off his plumage but this also attracts predators who give him plenty to grouse about. The mandrill, not unlike Barbara, caught my eye as this baboon-like creature with brilliant blue, red and gold face also develops the same colour in his butt and genitals in order to appear more attractive. “Ooh Betty is that the south bound end of a northbound mandrill or the northbound end of a… oh who cares, he is HOT!” The male Hobo spider is asked to shake what his momma gave him and if he dances well then she has him over for dinner and they mate, if he dances poorly she just haves him over for dinner. Come across a spider practicing the eight-legged macarena, leave the poor guy alone, his evening/life depends on it.
\“I’m gonna kill him” is the usual response of those who have discovered that their liaison of love has left them with skin sores or a baggage of bumps. Yes I am talking about the all too common experience doctors undergo of telling a patient that they have herpes or genital warts.
\Herpes simplex is the virus responsible for cold sores of the face and hot sores of the nether regions. A patient’s worse fears are too often followed by a patient’s burst tears as the diagnosis of herpes is explained to them. They often then desire deeply to bring a fatal conclusion to that attractive source of their herpes.
\60 million adults in North America have genital herpes. This is the same number as there are Yankee fans which is why one should never cheer for the Yankees. 1 in 5 adults has genital herpes! While this could lead to an interesting dinner party guessing game, or an office pool (“I’ll put $20 on Ralph, Frank and Loretta”), the numbers are changing precipitously. There are 1 million new infections served every year! For overall prevalence genital herpes infects more people than all other sexually transmitted infections combined. The problem is that 90% of those who have genital herpes don’t know it. Most actually only find out after someone they have been with contracts symptomatic herpes… from them. This little devastation in the life of that patient begins in my office. (Not the infection part) The vast majority of transmissions of this highly infectious virus are from asymptomatic carriers who honestly haven’t got a clue.
\ When it does become symptomatic it may range from painful sores known as ulcers to small fissures (cracks in the skin), or even burning on urination. But the misconception that folks have to have something that hurts in order for it to be herpes really isn’t the case. Besides the obvious unpleasantness, herpes can be extremely dangerous and even fatal to a newborn as it passes through an infected birth canal. So unless you want to cheer for the Yankees… be careful what you fish for."; dDaveText[28] = "An addict once told me that addiction means “never getting enough of what you no longer want.” Most addicts detest their addiction and rue the day they came to first experience the fatal attraction that soon controlled their lives. Drug addicts wish they’d never smoked that first seemingly harmless joint. Others lament tasting even that first drink, lighting that first cigarette or strolling curiously into that first casino.
\I was disturbed by the wrenching story of a young mother of three, who became so despondent about her addition that she committed suicide. Her addiction was played out deep within the windowless walls of a casino. Gambling, as much as drug and alcohol addictions, exacts a horrific toll on our personal and collective mental health and emotional well being. But for those myopes who advocate gambling as a means of enhancing our social coffers, regardless of the human cost, I would like to add to their reasoning by suggesting some other benefits of gambling.
\1. Wonderful for developing sibling attachment. While a parent spins away valuable hours in the casino, Junior gets better acquainted with his brother while they wait out in the car. They grow up resourceful, learning to entertain themselves rather than becoming spoiled by having disposable income wasted on them with useless vacations, family activities, clothing and food. From their parents they also develop the “get something for nothing” mentality. One day they may even become champion lotto players.
\2. Helps drug addicts and alcoholics feel less stigmatized as members of AA or NA. Now the community can also have GA. Even if 80% of those registered in Gamblers Anonymous have admitted to resorting to criminal activities in order to support their habit, hey, this is great training for our police cadets.
\3. Keeps real estate prices down. The ABC of gambling has long been described as Addiction, Bankruptcies and Crime. With all those foreclosures and quick sales, there are bound to be some bargains out there.
\4. Entertainment value. What could be more fun or uplifting than sitting in front of a shiny machine staring for hours at pictures of assorted fruit spinning about? Reach up like a zombie and pay to do it again, and again and again and how nice, no thought is developed… er… required. Now that’s entertainment!
\5. The presence of a casino allows the locals to sleep longer and get more rest. How? Casinos cause local businesses to go belly up. The casino soaks up money that may have otherwise been spent on a car, dinner, kids, stuff etc. The suffering businesses lay off employees who, no longer having to work, can now sleep in. Exceptions would include pawnbrokers, repo men and police.
\6. Produces a thriving community of doctors, counselors and pharmaceutical companies. The good folks at Prozac tell us gambling is good for business.
\7. Keeps money in the hands of politicians rather than in the hands of crooks. When wise and concerned government types attempt to revitalize gambling in a town, those pesky do-gooders trying to inject their common sense into the issue should just forget about the community and keep to themselves. Politicians have proven time and again that they have excellent foresight. The money the government skims off gambling can be put to good use hiring more police or enhancing the social programs to support the homeless, poor, and… oh wait… those are consequences of gambling. Forget it.
\As Christmas approaches I am reminded of the classic film It’s A Wonderful Life. I think of Jimmy Stewart stumbling through a town that has changed from being a warm, inviting, pleasant community to a dank, miserable, unkind place to live. A town of casinos, pawn shops and strip joints. A nasty soulless town.
\ Can you think of any worthwhile reasons why the children of any community should be raised in such a town? I’ll bet you can’t… 10 bucks."; dDaveText[29] = "A hard truth I have come to realize is that fine dining and lobster dinner go together about as well as cats and vacuum cleaners. But I’ve always been imbued with a warm fuzzy feeling when I entice my cat to snuggle up to ol’ Power Suck before I hit the ON switch, so, sure enough, I’m in a fine dining establishment peering down at a prettily perched piece of the Pacific in the form of the above-mentioned crustacean.
\Ties, tiaras and tuxedos were the sartorial preference of this joint yet I was handed a plastic bib and a set of nutcrackers. No crayons. Larry, the lop-eyed lobster and I viewed each other suspiciously. “Call me Ishmael!” I whispered as I lit into this disgusting denizen of the deep.
\I grabbed the claw and, with a mighty crack, released that choice meat from its brittle shell which snapped like a day old fortune cookie that had fallen into a really big vat of liquid nitrogen while in the Gobi desert right next to an amplifier (you Pulitzer folks paying attention?), but with unfortunate results. Not only did some pent up juice shoot straight up into my left eye, but a wee piece of shell went hurtling across the room like a cruise missile, narrowly missing a distinguished appearing woman who was sipping at her bisque. I’m sure I could detect a momentary look of disdain, from both her and the lobster.
\Unlike the bottom-feeding lobster, who can eat whatever is lying on the ocean floor including snails, crabs and Jimmy Hoffa and still keep herself looking marvelous and sweet to the taste, we are what we eat, which is why many of us resemble a Whopper with a side of poutine.
\Enter the amazing science of NUTRITIONAL GENOMICS.
\Many diseases are caused by what we toss past our gums. How, you ask? Perhaps I’ll tell you. Certain nutrients actually interact with our genes by binding to DNA transcription factors. Genes, of course, are responsible for putting together our proteins including pleasant lovely useful proteins that do everything from deciding how much of our dad we look like to how disease-free we are. Genes, however, that are interfered with in their intricate production of proteins can start making wonky proteins that may make us sick, homely and start voting NDP. Thus, over time, a particular diet affects gene expression of proteins. Nutritional genomics, the study of diet/gene interactions, will usher in a fascinating new era of consumer genetics. Our genes decide if a certain nutrient ie. Coco Puffs, will be OK for our particular body or if it will, in fact, create malignant Coco Puffomas on our kidneys.
\Imagine going into a restaurant, handing over a disc containing your genetic profile and being given a menu of those foods that will do you no harm. It is coming. It hurts me to admit that I already know that I likely have a malignant gene for Rogers Chocolates. So call me suicidal. Viva death by chocolate!
\Yet, despite our genomes, our body can often successfully repair nutritional damage. While a team doctor at the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta I was taken aback by the fact that there were five McDonalds restaurants set up in Olympic Village. Not only were they open 24 hours for the athletes’ (and doctors’) snacking pleasure, but everything was completely free! For 17 days! And guess where the athletes ate. I am not making this up. I’m not allowed to. The Olympics: fuelled by Coke with a side order of Quarter Pounders.
\ The 50m backstroke was won by a guy pumped up on Happy Meals. Sadly, however, a pre-swim feast of Big Macs spelled disaster for the Equatorial Guinean swimmer (of Sydney fame) who sunk to the bottom of the pool and ended up doing his best impression of a lobster."; dDaveText[30] = "On a recent hockey junket to southern Alberta, I found myself (appropriately for a hockey tournament) in the community of Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump. That night, I slept fitfully at the Head Smashed In Inn, no doubt apprehensive about having to play a team called Head Smashed In. This is one team that does not need a nickname (though “Senators” comes to mind). In fact, I had nothing to fear as I was more at risk of head injury driving to the rink, than I was actually playing the game. Of all head injuries only 10% are a result of recreational activity (playing for the Avalanche excluded). Falls account for 21%, violence for 12% (attending NY Ranger home games excluded) and a whopping 50% from motor vehicle accidents.
\The brain sloshes happily about inside the human skull, bathed in a fluid called CSF.
\It spends most of its day snapping off synaptic signals, controlling bodily functions and playing condescending mind games with the kidneys. “Hey kiddies, hurry up and piddle so we can go to the Stones concert tonight and… oh wait …ha… kidney Stones!”
\When the head receives a sudden jolt, the skull comes to an abrupt stop. The brain, which should have been watching the road rather than analyzing its emotional response to the blonde hitchhiker, actually smacks into the inside wall of the skull. This causes a stunning (concussion), bruising (contusion), bleeding (bleeding), or a sudden decrease of intellect (urge to play hockey). “Hey brainiac,” tease the kidneys “keep your eye on the road or urine trouble.”
\1. Concussion
\Having your brain smacked and swollen may lead to confusion, loss of consciousness and memory loss, rendering you prime Prime Minister material. The duration of unconsciousness or of the memory bank being closed for service is an indication of how bad the concussion is. A subsequent concussion (even minor), if incurred before the first one heals properly, can lead to dire consequences. After “having your bell rung” , do not risk any reinjury to the head unless cleared by a doctor. Unless raised downwind of Three Mile Island, you have only one head, and damage caused by concussion can be permanent. Athletes will retire after 4-5 concussions, politicians after 8-9 and WWF wrestlers when they start actually getting hit.
\2. Bleeding
\A leaking blood vessel inside the skull is an emergency. When the brain sloshes about the skull after a collision it may shear a vein allowing a slow leak, or it may shear an artery leading to a more drastic bleed. The skull is rigid but the brain is soft. As pressure increases inside the skull, the brain gets compressed even to the point of being forced down your neck!
\A visit to the doctor will prompt ol’ sawbones to grab an instrument called an eye looker-inner. He will place this to his eye and then thrust his face so close to yours, you’ll be able to trade eyelash lice. This prompts an intense giggle reflex in the patient who will snort and struggle not to breathe. Besides checking to make sure the pupils are equal, the doctor is actually shining the light into the back of the eye. He is not examining the eye itself but rather this is the only place in the entire human body where he can directly visualize blood vessels, nerves and the oompa loompas running around inside your skull. What he sees will tell him if any significant pressure is being built up inside the cranium.
\Assuming all appears OK for now, he will then send you home with a list of symptoms to watch for including:
\1. Protracted vomiting.
\
2. Unremitting headache that doesn’t clear with Tylenol.
\
3. Vision blurring as one pupil becomes larger than the other.
\
4. Acting bizarrely. This is the most important symptom and includes such irrational behavior as having
\
your words all slurtogethersonobodyotherthanDeanMartincanunderstandathingyousay.
\
5.Planning your next hockey trip to Wounded Knee Buffalo Jump.";
dDaveText[31] = "
Would you prefer a doctor who is kind, or one who is clever? My patients don’t have this choice but many of you will be in search of a doctor just as your body is now in search of a disease. What qualities do you look for in a doctor? Do you prefer witty or warm, wise or wonderful, well-read or well-meaning? Your response reflects much about your perspective and expectations of the medical profession.
\As a tadpole of a physician in medical school, it was explained to me that medicine is a three legged stool, a leg each of judgment, skill and knowledge. Not emphasized, nor ever taught in medical school, was compassion. Kindness and empathy, however, are indispensable in a profession so intimately entwined with poignant moments of illness, heartbreak and loss. As Patch Adams discovered, the medical world can be stiffly scientific and lacking in the basic humanities of humour, empathy and compassion. Computers may one day diagnose and even treat most illnesses, but they can never replace the warm human touch.
\Doctors may not necessarily be the softest of human beings. The competition for medical school is rough. Emphasis is put on marks rather than character. Respect for others or dedication to humanity are not graded. Of 3000 applicants to my alma mater, only 84 were accepted. (No doubt you are wondering how I made it, but I can tell you that well-placed video cameras and a wiseguy named Moose played a major role). With a requirement of very high marks even for consideration, pre med is a mad, often cutthroat, competition. Search for the higher marks may require intensive studying and restudying, leaving social skills aside to be developed when taking a break to brush your teeth.
\Thomas was an inquisitive eight month old born with tetralogy of Fallot, a condition in which the various pipes entering and exiting the heart get all mixed up. As a medical student working in the cardiac surgery ward in Ottawa, I admitted Tom to the heart unit in preparation for life saving surgery the next day. His parents, though obviously concerned, were quite hopeful that in the hands of Canada’s (and one of the world’s) preeminent heart surgeons, Dr. Wilbert Keon, Tom would no longer be blue and could start growing normally. I was permitted to assist in the surgery, meaning as a medical student I got to hold a retractor so long that my fingers are only now starting to unfold. A few hours after the seemingly successful operation, I strode around a corner to a scene I’ll never forget. Dr Keon was sitting on the floor, his arm wrapped around the shoulder of Tom’s mother, both in tears. Tom’s dad was standing in stunned silence beside them and I knew that something had gone terribly wrong. Tom, in fact, had not survived the perilous post-operative period. To this day, when I think of compassion I think of this superstar of heart surgeons sitting on the floor, crying.
\Compassion is not taught in any course, but rather is developed over many years of practice. It must be taught in the home. Many parents go to great lengths to ensure their children will grow to be clever and multi-talented, but to what lengths do they go to teach their children empathy, service and tenderness.
\ Opportunities abound to exercise kindness every day, whether in or out of the hospital. Volunteers, for example, are a genuine, wonderful breed of human who reap the benefits of giving of themselves thus verifying their own existence. I often encourage those patients who are discouraged or even depressed to get involved in serving others for no reward or recognition and find a deeper, richer explanation of life. Those who lose themselves in the service of others invariably are happier and more at peace. They return to thank me for being so clever as to think of this remedy, but I tell them that I’d one day prefer to be simply thought of as - kind."; dDaveText[32] = "Went to a Scottish Highland Games in that grand duchy of Scotland known as Enumclaw, Washington. Easy to spot the Scottish festival by the excessively long ticket lines created by heated negotiations of the entrance fee by each and every patron. Lasses and laddies pranced and flinged about on their delicate wee toes, real men sported kilts though apparently there must have been some smuggling going on under those kilts given the number of “Official Kilt Inspector” T-shirts, worn by hundreds of women and a fellow named Gordon. Gathering of the clans, eating of the official oatmeal, parading of the dogs, blaring of the pipes and drums (named after the parts of the lungs and ears which no longer function as God meant them to in those who use such instruments.) Turns out that the best band in the entire Scottish realm is none other than Simon Fraser University of Burnaby, BC.
\The games portion included tossing the haggis, the hammer throw and the intriguing caber toss. For those who missed that event in Torino, a caber looks like a telephone pole on steroids, much I suspect like those who toss them. They lift the caber up, try to balance it and then with a mighty heave that would make Robert the Bruce lose his porridge, they toss the caber up in the air and hopes it lands on the opposite end and then falls over on one of the other competitors. Now what others didn’t notice but I did, being the consummate medical professional, was the hernias that these caber tossers were experiencing, judging by the sudden inflation of the front of their kilts as they grimaced and clutched their sporrans.
\Hernias were/are the bread and butter of surgeons or at least the bread part as they make a lot of it fixing weekend caber tossers. Hernias come in all sizes and sorts and can involve places like the stomach, the groin and of course the attractive belly button bulge. A hernia is simply a weakness of a wall that allows something behind it to squeeze out part way; a piece of fat, a piece of bowel, Sigourney Weaver. 20 million groin (inguinal) hernias are repaired each year worldwide. In fact the widening of the world’s waistline is one reason, along with pregnancy and age that supportive muscles deteriorate and allow hernias to develop. Males get more hernias than females by 7:1, usually while operating the freakin’ dill pickle jar or playing pick-up cabers in the back yard. The main problem with hernia bulges, besides ruining your Lulu Lemons, is that a piece of bowel can get caught in the hernia and twist on itself or get pinched off, conditions known as strangulation and incarceration (sort of what happened to my cousin Jake). But the main problem with surgery is the post-operative pain that, in some patients, can last for months. Some doctors feel they should all be fixed before they get larger and harder to repair, others only if they currently cause discomfort.
\In children all groin hernias should be considered for surgical repair but the umbilical (navel) outies never need to be fixed before the age of two. By age five if they still have a large outie then they might need a repair as the psychological scar of having classmates using their belly button to play horseshoes will last at least until snack time. Many adults with umbilical hernias like to get them fixed so they can waddle right back onto the beach, swinging those love handles to and fro with abandon.
\ Most hernias are fixed with a strong mesh device that doubles as a broccoli filter. Should stay strong and fixed at least until… the next Vlasic."; dDaveText[33] = "“I’m here to get tested, doctor”
\“For what?”
\“I dunno, for everything I guess.”
\
(“Everything,” I have come to learn, depends on the age, sex and very recent lifestyle of the author of the request.)
“So, Mr. Bloggins, everything, of course, includes a pregnancy test, a prostate check, a Pap smear, a… ”
\“Well, no,… I mean… um… I met this new girl and she wants me to get tested.”
\“For what?”
\“For Friday.”
\“If you mean that you think you need STD testing Bloggins, I say, do you have any symptoms.”
\“No, not yet. But she wants me to bring her a note saying I don’t have anything.”
\“You must be using my financial advisor then. But since I practice medicine so that you can date, let me get the (evil low chuckle or on occasion as the mood strikes me perhaps a maniacal screech)… SWAB!”
\“Ohhhh! Not the cruel cue of cotton, that wicked wand of wool! Can’t you do a blood test or… or maybe I can pee in a cup.”
\“Maybe you can. In fact, Bloggins I’ll put the swab away.” Sadly, my days of maniacal laughs and evil chuckles are numbered. A simple urine test will now reveal the dreaded Chlamydia or Gonorrhea while a simple blood test determines whether you have been exposed to HIV.
\In many years of practice including several in the Canadian Navy (Yes Virginia! I have seen the boat) I have yet to see a positive HIV test in anyone who was not either an IV drug user, homosexual or a 1980’s blood transfusion recipient. What I have seen are many anxious days and nights after the test is done waiting for the “negative” result, which really is a positive thing even though we say it is positively negative. Once the blood is drawn it is the waiting, sometimes for several weeks, that is the worst part of the test. The mind takes over. Wills are drawn up, deep repentance occurs and phantom symptoms develop. But now HIV angst is all about to change, thanks to INSTI-HIV. A simple test kit can show exposure to HIV within 60 seconds with only a simple prick (speaking of which, I have been called many things but I have always hated angry patients calling me a simple test kit.) Repentance no longer required.
\And now, from 60 seconds to know if you’re infective to 60 minutes to know if you’re effective. A one-hour test has just become available that can determine male fertility. Are the wee lads Olympic swimmers or are they just treading water. Well enter the Fertell home test kit, which can settle the argument of whether, in fact, the male is the reason that little diaperdudes don’t litter your living room and pureed carrots are not smeared on your kitchen table. The world’s first home test kit for male fertility is now on sale and available for your bragging pleasure.
\The test works by forcing sperm to swim through a barrier mimicking the female cervix. It then measures the number of sperm which get beyond this point. If a high enough level of active sperm is present in the sample, a red line indicates a positive test. Minutes tick away as you and the misses wait to see if you make it to the red line district. Suspense mounts. 30 minutes… nothing. Suddenly, its red! High fives all around as the bar patrons clap.
\ With doctors being made less relevant by tests that can now be done in back alleys, bistros and bars it makes me want to sob… into a swab."; dDaveText[34] = "“I’m sorry to tell you this Miss Bloggins but you have a nasty case of genital warts.” “Noooo, not warts! I’d rather have cancer!”
\“Well I’m afraid you might have that too.”
\Unfortunately Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) is responsible for both unsightly genital warts (as well as the sightly ones) AND cervical cancer, one of the most devastating diseases of womankind. In 1935 George Papanicolaou (“Pap” to his buddies) of Cornell University discovered that by taking a wee scraping from the opening to the womb he was able to determine, under a microscope (he was a small guy), if pre-cancerous cells were brewing. Little did Dr. Pap know that he was looking for damage caused by the Human Papilloma Virus (“Pap” to its viral buddies). Papillomas for Doc Papanicolaou. Pap looking for pap (likely not related). Poor George eventually became so disenchanted with having the pap test named after him that he left science and became an annoying celebrity photographer only later to discover they were called… paparazzi.
\Consider these sobering FACTS
\1. In 2004, 14 North American women died of cervical cancer each day
\
2. 85% of them had not had routine Papanicolaou smears
\
3. every 2 1/2 minutes a woman on this planet dies of cervical cancer
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4. due to lack of screening facilities, cervical cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in women in third world countries
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5. 15,000 North American women will be diagnosed with cervical cancer this year
\
6. A turtle can actually breathe through its butt, right past its prostate
The main purpose of Mr. Papinocolau’s test is to detect the presence of HPV- induced pre-cancerous lesions. The pap screening test is the reason that cervical cancer has gone from being the commonest deadly cancer of women to a cancer so low in North America that only 5000 women die each year (most of whom have not had recent pap smears). But Pap smears, de test that women detest may soon be a thing of de past.
\In the exciting world of tumor immunotherapeutics (exciting because you can impress your friends and score huge scrabble point with jargon like that) an HPV vaccine has now been developed that is 100% effective at preventing cervical cancer and warts! A vaccine for cancer. It will soon be launched to the junior high school-aged girls before they become sexually active, which is like totally awesome. 60% of women contract HPV within five years of beginning sexual activity. Unfortunately HPV can have a deadly consequence. Nuns do not get cervical cancer or genital warts (a “pap”al state?), though Sister Mary Mashbone of my school used to have a wart on her chin that looked like it would give you cancer, a stroke and several heart attacks if it ever touched you.
\Others vaccines are currently being developed against assorted cancers such as ovarian, and breast cancer. And for the prostatic man in your life there is work being done on a vaccine against prostate cancer, which should make all men who hate prostate checks ecstatic, and allow turtles to breath a little easier."; dDaveText[35] = "
“He who laughs… lasts”.
\“I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral…” Barenaked Ladies (the band, that is).
\Author Norman Cousins, stricken with painful and debilitating illnesses including ankylosing spondylitis and multiple heart attacks, set out to prove that laughter was his best medicine. He succeeded. His studies confirmed that laughter can not only help cope with disease, but may actually help combat symptoms. Humour, it turns out, is hazardous to your illness.
\He was able to demonstrate that laughter reduces “stress” hormones and in doing so boosts the immune system and reduces blood pressure. By stimulating endorphins, the brain’s natural painkiller, laughing can reduce the pain of chronic illness.
\Adults laugh about 15 times a day. Preschoolers laugh about 400 times a day. Is life less enjoyable as we age? Perhaps we are less enjoyable.
\It is easy being around those who laugh easily. At one end of the spectrum there are those who, immediately upon hearing: “This giraffe walks into a bar...” are already on the ground convulsing to the point of requiring CPR. At the opposite end of the laugh spectrum are those 15% of the population who are seriously humour impaired. Another 15% are “at risk”. Tell them a joke funny enough to have the Ayatollah snortin’ milk out his nose, they still fail to crack a smile.
\Could they be brain-damaged? Possibly. Laughing at a joke requires several separate parts of the brain to be operational. Those who have suffered strokes or injury involving the lower frontal lobe of the brain have serious alterations in their sense of humour. Brain mapping studies have revealed that the “mirth” center must have sharp, well-functioning neurons, and that the connections to areas responsible for intellect are alive and well. A cognitive shift, with neurons firing in several directions, is required just to be able to appreciate a joke. Puns, oddly enough, are actually processed in a different area of the brain, an area involved in speech production.
\Recently, after speaking to a large group, I was approached by a member of the audience inquiring, “Are you really a doctor?” Admittedly, I hear this question a lot, often from my patients. After showing them my tattoo of a couple of snakes wrapped around a bedpan they were only a little reassured. They just always thought that doctors were solemn, dour and mirthless. They weren’t supposed to be fun.
\But humour has always been a part of how many doctors and nurses cope with life, morbidity and even death.
\Several years ago I was spilled out of a canoe into some serious white water. While being swept into a raging current destined for a deadly waterfall, I broke out laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. I was going to die like Wile E. Coyote and that was kind of funny. (I barely survived but not without sustaining severe brain damage that is so evident to those who know me.) How often have we witnessed people laugh in the face of danger? According to Norman Cousins we need to laugh in the face of dangerous illnesses as well. But start now. Fun, preschool type laughter and seeing the humour in life needs to become a habit. I recall a classmate, Pete, dealing with a boring medical school lecture by skillfully landing a spitball just above the left eyebrow of a prof, 30 minutes into a pedantic monologue on the alpha isomeric crystallography effects on the hypothalamus. The prof laughed and suddenly the last half of that class was much more interesting.
\ Some people have successfully made a habit of appreciating the fun side of life and it bodes well for them, mentally and physically. As Patch Adams pointed out “Fun (humour in action) is the antidote to suffering. Take it.”"; dDaveText[36] = "To help patients in my office pass the time while waiting to be seen, I scatter a few copies of War and Peace about the waiting room. I also let them mull over a poster I have hanging on the wall. My patients have asked me to print it.
\ONE HUNDRED WAYS TO LIVE TO ONE HUNDRED.
\
1. Enjoy life daily
\
2. Stay young at heart
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3. Wear your seat belt
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4. Be awestruck by rainbows
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5. Walk in a park
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6. Take the stairs
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7. Develop curiosity
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8. Stop smoking
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9. Listen to your mother
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10. Watch what you eat
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11. Watch what you say
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12. Don’t talk with your mouth full
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13. Get a massage
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14. Ski
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15. Make time
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16. Make children
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17. Make time for children
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18. Drink plenty of bottled water
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19. Have faith in others
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20. Forgive
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21. Be an optimist
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22. Discover romance
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23. Exercise regularly
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24. Try Yoga
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25. Plant a garden
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26. Clown
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27. Adopt a pet
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28. Laugh often
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29. Give rather than take
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30. Marry your sweetheart
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31. Enjoy being single
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32. Relax
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33. Eat your greens
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34. Lawn bowl
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35. Do nothing in excess
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36. Do everything in excess
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37. Do chicken noodle soup
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38. Practice exactly what you preach
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39. Make time for friends
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40. Make friends
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41. Reduce the fat in your diet
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42. Get a flu shot
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43. Never mope
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44. Skinny dip
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45. Do something outrageous every year
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46. Write an old friend
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47. Play tennis outdoors
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48. Sing in the car
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49. Pamper yourself once a day
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50. Carp diem
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51. Take setbacks with a smile, then forget it
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52. Cuddle
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53. Use olive oil
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54. Be part of your community
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55. Buy lemonade from kids
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56. Eat Brussels sprouts
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57. Sit up straight
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58. Travel
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59. Soak in a tub
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60. Sing in a choir
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61. Be generous with hugs
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62. Bake a pie
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63. Pray
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64. Eat fish
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65. Go fishing
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66. Spoil your grandchildren
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67. Control your temper
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68. Power walk at the mall
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69. Wrestle kids
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70. Grow flowers
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71. Smell flowers
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72. Socialize
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73. Write a poem
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74. Walk in the woods
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75. Check your blood pressure
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76. Floss
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77. Watch the playoffs
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78. Contribute to a charity
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79. Volunteer
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80. Go to the movies
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81. Cry
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82. Don’t rest on your laurels
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83. Rest on a soft couch
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84. Hike
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85. Read in bed
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86. Lift weights
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87. Stretch muscles and joints
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88. Whistle in the shower
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89. Visit nursing homes
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90. Take medicine as prescribed
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91. Get up early
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92. Read the classics
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93. Read the comics
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94. Debate
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95. Feed the birds
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96. Listen attentively
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97. Tael Boa
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98. Have your prostate checked
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99. Learn to love your job
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100. LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR";
dDaveText[37] = "
Each spring 450 eager doctors meet together in the forgiving town of Vernon BC to study the medical implications of playing hockey with 449 doctors. It is not a pretty site nor is it a good idea to attend such an event if you prefer to deify your doctor as a dignified diagnoser of diseases, dispenser of drugs or deliverer of diaperdudes. Whoopee cushions, Jello and slingshots sell out weeks in advance. Hotels hire attack dogs. Dinner rolls and other potential culinary projectiles have been banned from the banquet. Hells Angels shake their vacuous heads in disgust. As one astonished, intimidated teenage ref squeaked while attempting to restrain a vascular surgeon after he and a gynecologist had dropped the gloves (dropping a glove not something you want your gynecologist to make a habit of) and began pummeling each other “I thought you guys were supposed to be doctors.” Fists, insults, hockey sticks, Ben Gay all flying about in anger. Testosterone, tequilas and test tubes. Hippocratic hockey.
\Frankly nothing terribly inspiring about the medical profession is to be found at these tournaments. Until I met Dale. A medical student, slogging through the intense grind of 187 hour weeks performing hospital scut work, studying neuroanatomic pathways in the shower, 2AM breakfasts of cold pizza, whipped cream and Red Bull, pranks with pancreases, premarin and pinworms. Being a med student is, without a doubt, the domain of the young and rest-less restless. But Dale is 52! Ran his own parasailing business for 15 years, worked construction building custom homes, studied Spanish in Guatemala where he volunteered with the Red Cross during the earthquake of 2000, was a deep sea diver, an entrepreneur, and even spent a few years gittin ‘r done as Dale the cable guy. But this small town Saskatchewan boy who grew up 60 miles from the nearest doctor (and was so awestruck by medicine that he actually remembers the first doctor he ever saw at age six) wanted to be that very man from whom folks came from all around the countryside to obtain balm of Gilead. He applied to medical school at ages 44, 45, 46,47 only to be given the message to stick to the cable gig. So, of course, he applied again at age 48. But this interview turned out to be more than either he or the interviewers bargained for. Out in force that day were campus protesters angrily protesting whatever needed to be protested. Wanting badly to be the center of attention they started barricading stuff and people. They kept Dale in the interview room, for seven hours, with one of the interviewers! Once the protesters dispersed for cookies, naptime and mace repairs the interviewer invited Dale to reschedule for a proper uninterrupted interview to which he replied, “After seven hours of huddling together under a table, if you don’t know me by now then you’ll never never never know me.”
\ And so 48-year old Dale Gatenby, a true modern-day inspiration, parasailed right into classes in the fall of 2002… only to fail his first exam, histology. Histology is the rather dull study of tissues like membranes and kidneys and Kleenex. So he failed. Looked into a microscope and probably saw the infamous black spider that all first year students see. One that moves every time they blink. Sobered by an early flunk he buckled down right then, put away the excuses and got out the cold pizza. So when UBC’s 2006 medical convocation comes around look for Dale the doctor, survivor of medical school, earthquakes and even… Vernon."; dDaveText[38] = "I first met her while browsing through the fine apparel section of Wal Mart. She was speaking/singing to me over the K-Tel sound system. Heard her again while lying catatonic in the dentist’s chair and yet again in an incense shop (I was absolutely livid that day and stopped in to have my anger addressed.) But most often her voice floated into my head while I was on hold over the phone. I loved the haunting, loving, soothing Enya. Too cheap to buy the CD, I often called 911 and asked to be put on hold. I hadn’t thought of her in quite some time until a recent newspaper article caught my eye stating that a birth control pill named Enya or Anya (the anglicized version) was recently developed to soothe out menstrual cycles. Taken continuously a woman (duh) could be completely free of a period. This really isn’t big news to any doctor as many pills can achieve this feat.
\But what really caught my medulla was the mention of the Maryland Museum of Menstruation. Now as I doctor you’d think I’d have heard of this museum, being well aware of the Amusing Museum of Armpit Hair, the Smithsonian Center of Saliva and of course the Navel Academy Museum (check out the lint exhibit from Italy). The Museum of Menstruation (MuM) is an actual place complete with the latest and greatest menstrual artifacts you would ever care to imagine, period, er… If feminine hygiene ads on TV tend to make you fumble uncomfortably for the channel changer this place would make you fumble for your lunch. It can be easily located by the number of men sitting alone nervously in parked cars all around the street. But the curator is actually a man, proud to put men back in menstruation. He claims the biggest issue umm...debate at his museum is concerning custom-made periods using medications like Anya. Is it good to fool Mother Nature? I personally have found it was never a good idea to fool your mother when she has a big wooden spoon in one hand a cheese grater in the other hand and Tabasco sauce in the third. Are there benefits in having a natural monthly bleed? One school of thought states that a regular bloodletting may be a reason that women, on average, outlive men as it tends to rid the body of excess iron, too much of which can damage pleasant organs like the heart and liver. Men have to play hockey (with my sons) or drive (with my sons) to lose that amount of blood. This bloodletting is also a reason why donating blood is somewhat cardio-protective. But now a woman can order up the type of menstrual pattern she’d prefer. She can reduce or eliminate periods altogether. Maybe have one every three months or once a year or none at all. Not only does this appeal to those who prefer the convenience ie athletes, soldiers, frequent travelers, frequent brides but also to those who suffer from painful periods or anemia secondary to too much blood loss.
\ According to the 1931 Home Physician, my most up to date and oft used medical reference text, painful periods arise mostly in “women of neurotic temperament getting their feet wet just before the period… or running a sewing machine. As well it is important to avoid exposure of the arms, shoulders and legs occasioned by present day fashions.” Excessive menstrual flow, of course, stems from “excitement of any kind such as parties, dancing, theaters, novel reading, long hours of piano practice, exhausting school studies and indolent habits.” Treatment involves covering up those “bare shoulders and taking an enema.” Wouldn’t you rather take an Enya."; dDaveText[39] = "George, a grey-haired schnauzer living in Florida, has recently caught the attention of the medical world for his uncanny ability to sniff out malignant melanomas (good moles that fell in with the wrong crowd and are now —bad moles). George has actually been hired by a Tampa Bay dermatologist to sniff patients suspected of harboring cancerous moles and ol’ George can, in fact, detect these bad moles every time. I tried recently to contact the dermatologist, Dr. Mel Anin, but he had left for his suntanning appointment. So I turned to ol’ Murph, my trusty mutt, and asked him to see if he and George could sniff each other out. Murph, put down his copy of The Wolf Within, seemingly pleased at an opportunity for a fresh sniff, and within minutes actually got a hold of George. I recorded the conversation.
\“Hello, is this Doggie Schnauzer?”
\“Hello Murphy” replies George in a husky voice.
\“Enough with the husky voice, you’re a schnauzer. So, Dr Dave here wants the big scooper on your gig, sniffing moles”
\“That’s right, been at it since I was a whippet snapper”.
\“You’re lucky `cause I can’t even get near the kid’s hamster cage without getting my…”
\“No Murph, skin moles. When Dr. Mel sees a patient with a mole that either itches, turns colour, gets hard, bleeds, or grows either outward or sideways in an irregular or ruff fashion, he calls me in for a sniff. Because cancer cells emit unique odors and we dogs have 220 million sniffing cells (humans have only 5 million), I’ve been trained to detect this cancer odor.”
\“Wow, me I’m on telephone poles and crotches. Must say, I get a kick out of that jackknife reflex that visitors to my house do when I plant my snoot in the ol’ inseam”
\Both dogs: <SNORT, CHORTLE, SNEEZE>
\So, George, what do you do when you actually find this mountain of a mole hill?”
\“Well I usually point `er out to Dr. Mel and he then calls in that hot dog Doberman to pinch `er off. We then send it to the black lab to be analyzed and… I’m always right.”
\“Wow, no shih-tzu?”
\“None, but if the mole is on the ear we just get the boxer to bite it off.”
\“Gee, must make a mess.”
\“Nothing that ol’ Starr, the bloodhound can’t clean up.”
\“When do you work?”
\“When I’m on collie and Mel Anin needs me, he just sends the golden to retrieve me.”
\“Now George, I understand that malignant melanoma’s are among the worst possible cancers to get”
\“That’s right Murph. The average human has about 25 moles. A mole is really just a collection of melanin pigment-containing cells. People with lots of moles, and especially those with many different types of moles, have to keep an eye on them for changes. They can occur anywhere, including the colored part of the eye and under the nails. The worst place is the lower back because a cancer may be well progressed before it’s even noticed back there. The key thing is, like most cancers, catch them early to increase your chances of survival.”
\“So what else do you do if the human has a malignant melanoma?”
\“Well then they have to get a CAT scan” Both dogs: <SNORT `n CHORTLE> “to see if it has spread to the brain and other areas”.
\“ You know, all I ever do is greet guests and burglars with a cheerful smile and a friendly sniff. Your job as Doggie Schnauzer sounds a lot more fun than mine.”
\“Not always Murph. I recently recommended some heavy petting to a lady for her menopaws and she smacked me so hard I fell off the table and broke my tail bone.”
\“Oooh, must’ve hurt.”
\ “Ya, but fortunately we had a bone setter in the next room.”"; dDaveText[40] = "“Son,” I announced turning to my 12-year-old slumped in his seat in a when-will-we-get-there pose, “I want to stop in this next town and show you the greatest sign ever posted in sports arenas anywhere.” He probably thought I was losing my few remaining marbles when we pulled into the tiny dry gulch town of Ashcroft, BC. Having been impressed by this sign while playing in a hockey tournament many years earlier, I was eager to teach him a cardinal rule of life (hockey, of course, is life). We pulled up to the Drylands Arena only to find the rink locked up tighter than a jar of pickles. But on our tip toes, peering through the glass of the door we could glimpse the sign stretching in all its glory across the width of the rink, “NO SNIVELING.” “See that boy? That is a great motto to live by when playing sports and when playing life.” Glancing sideways at him, I noted a concerned, quizzical look on his wee mug. Finally, looking up at me as though I’d taken one too many pucks to the noodle, he asked. “But Dad, what if they have a cold and just can’t help it?”
\After explaining the difference between sniffling and sniveling (though one often leads to the other) I realized that I could treat you, faithful and intelligent reader of this column to a complete synopsis of the causes, concerns and treatment of a drippy snout.
\Besides the usual colds, grippes and tax seasons, chronic sniffling is caused by two completely different conditions, namely vasomotor rhinitis and allergies.
\VASOMOTOR RHINITIS
\I recall an older patient describing how every time he leaned over a bowl of soup his nose would run like a faucet. He was concerned that the constant dripping of watery nasal secretions into his broth was costing him tons of chicks. He had tried snorting decongestants, antihistamines and steroid sprays, all to no avail. But his condition was caused by a short in the wiring of the nasal autonomic nervous system. This is vasomotor rhinitis. Found usually in the older population, this nostril Niagara has nothing to do with allergies. Rather, it is stimulated by changes in temperature, alcohol and exposure to certain odors and chemicals including perfumes and newsprint. In fact, if you have vasomotor rhinitis and are reading this column you could well be dripping onto this page and even onto my photo so STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Go and get some Atrovent nasal spray. It’s the only thing that works.
\ALLERGIES
\ Another intriguing sign I recall seeing one spring was outside a roadside fruit stand. It read CLOSED FOR THE SEASON, THE REASON IS SNEEZIN’. Allergy sufferers (some 15% of the population) are responsible for over two percent of all visits to doctor’s offices and close to three billion dollars a year in medication! Unlike vasomotor rhinitis, allergic rhinitis involves itchiness of the eyes, nose and roof of the mouth. Usually it is seasonal but in an unlucky few, it can be perennial, depending on what the allergens are. Common persistent allergic symptoms may necessitate using a Dacron pillow, filtering out house dust and chucking the cat. If house dust is the culprit then a humidifier can reduce the amount of dust flying around. If moulds are the cause then a dehumidifier will help. There is often a family predisposition to allergies. Mornings in some homes are a stereophonic symphony of sneezing. “Daddy sneezes bass, momma sniffs tenor, and me and little brother drip right in.” Treatment includes the extremely safe nasal steroid sprays, a membrane stabilizer known as nedocromil and of course antihistamines, best taken at night. Livostin is a highly effective antihistamine that can be used as a nasal spray or eye drops. Those who continue to suffer can go to the increasingly popular desensitization shots. These are usually given weekly for a few months and then tapered to monthly injections. And if you do have to undergo these weekly shots remember… No Sniveling!"; dDaveText[41] = "“Just great! Little Billy Bloggins came to school spreading his cold around and now we’re all going to get fat. That little cesspool of viruses sneezed in my direction and the next thing I knew I was heading for the Ho Ho’s. Suppose I should have got that fat vaccine.”
\“Absolutely. That blubber booster has kept me as trim and thin as an Olsen twin.”
\Obesity vaccine? Medical research has astonished us by revealing that infections have turned out to be the unlikely cause of several common diseases. Peptic ulcers, cervical cancer, rheumatic heart disease are just a few examples of illnesses actually caused by viruses or bacteria. In addition, bugs may well be responsible for Tourette’s syndrome, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disease), diabetes, multiple sclerosis, Belinda Stronach, heart attacks and now even obesity.
\The common human adenovirus, the same bug responsible for many routine infections like the cold, is the obesity culprit. Some strains of this virus have now been confirmed to increase the amount of fat in animal fat cells. Obese folk, it turns out, have a higher incidence of the adenovirus antibodies circulating about their bloodstream than skinny folk. While not known just how much of a role/roll the virus plays in the epidemic of obesity we are currently experiencing we do know there has been a dramatic doubling of this disease, not unlike an infectious epidemic, in the last 30 years.
\Q: “So Dr. Dave, how do we avoid this adipogenic adenovirus?”
\
A: “We can prevent most viruses by getting into the habit of washing our hands when we’re exposed to germy environments like malls, schools or Sudbury.”
Q: “Will there be a vaccine against obesity?”
\
A: “Possibly. But in the meantime, exercise and eat properly.”
Q: “No vaccine yet! I hate dieting and frankly I find this news so depressing I’m tempted to perform a little self medicating with Peanut Bustercillin.”
\
Eh: “But that would be emotional eating and you absolutely must avoid that.”
Q: “Hey, I’m an emotional guy, watch me smack you across the head with this fruit roll up. I hate diets.”
\
A: “Well then why not consider the no diet diet. According to the researchers in the food sciences faculty at BYU we should consider becoming “intuitive eaters” instead of calorie counters and fat measurers. Eat whatever you want but only when you need to. Eat when you’re actually hungry, stop when you’re not. According to the good folks at BY it’s not so much what you eat but when you eat, in other words when you need to.
Q: “If I tried that I would intuitively weigh about 600 pounds. I get intuitive every time I see a Krispy Kreme.”
\Permanent weight loss requires attitude. Learning to eat to live rather than live to eat. We need to train ourselves how to be more in tune to use eating to satisfy hunger rather than to satisfy Jenny Craig. In fact, an Intuitive Eating Scale has been developed to help you recognize when to eat. How you score on this scale determines how you score on the intuitive bathroom scale. Professor Steven Hawks of BYU decided to try it himself and without restrictive or restraining dieting he lost 50 pounds in a year.
\Nothing to sneeze at."; dDaveText[42] = "
“A cloudy diagnosis is no match for a sunny disposition.”
\On the rare occasions when I need to make amends on the home front, I find it easiest to buy roses. The florist and I have subsequently become fast friends. “You’re late today Doc,” she smiles, “will that be the usual?” Her pleasant face winces as she sweeps the thorns off the stems, pricking her busy fingers yet again. I was reminded of the old adage I’d heard a thousand times as a child; “Get your fingers out of there!” as well as the other old adage, “Instead of complaining that roses have thorns, be grateful that thorns have roses.”
\Ted, 41, had brought his son into the office with an ear infection. Glancing at Ted, I noted his eyes were yellowish and inquired as to how he’d been feeling. “Just fine Doc. The yellow is probably ‘cause I’ve got to find your washroom in a hurry” he joked Concerned, I conducted a few tests to discover to my dismay that Ted was breeding pancreatic cancer, one of the cancers that really frightens me. When I visited him a few days later in the hospital, he grinned at me and declared he was doing great. “I have my own TV, the nurses are top notch and the food is superb.” Either this man was sicker than I thought or he’d been given an enormous amount of mind-altering drugs. But the nurses were likewise drawn to Ted’s upbeat nature, explaining that he never, ever complained. Two months later he was back in hospital, the cancer and the treatment having left him gaunt and wasted. “Look at this, Doc, thinnest I’ve been in years.” Discussing the gravity of his situation he reminded me “Everyone has to die sometime and I’ve lived a very rich life.” A few weeks later he died. Several nurses went to his funeral.
\Taking the chart out of the door I noted that my first patient of the day was Ruth. I knew what to expect. Unhappy Ruth would blame someone else for something gone askew, would want a CT scan for every sniffle and complain that she was never well. I don’t recall ever having heard Ruth laugh or even having seen her smile. Constantly beset by a myriad of “problems”, she reeked pessimism from every pore.
\In the extraordinary book Standing for Something, Gordon B. Hinckley advises that to enhance optimism “…as we go through life, we ACCENTUATE the positive… look a little deeper for the good… still our voices of insult and sarcasm.” A must read for anyone with a pulse, he reminds us of the importance of “giving strength to the voice of hope” while avoiding becoming trapped in negative sophistries.
\Did Ted’s optimism help him get better? No. Did it affect the way in which he suffered? Without doubt.
\Pessimists, also described as those with an attitude of “learned helplessness”, not only cope poorly with illness, but also get more of it. University of Pennsylvania researchers have found that pessimists and their immune systems become more easily depressed. Neurotransmitter action of the pessimist’s brain hinders both NK (natural killer) cells and T cells of the immune system. Consequently, they become more ill more often, focus on how much they will suffer and take longer to heal. Optimists, on the other hand, believe in healthier lifestyles, seek to improve their health and take bad news as only a temporary setback. Learned helplessness begins in childhood in kids who feel lack of control over their lives. No child should ever hear: “Stupid!” “Let me do this!” “Hurry up!” “Shut up!” “Useless!” “That’s a poor job!” Such youth acquire learned helplessness and ultimately develop a painful way of seeing the world about them.
\ Go buy some thorns."; dDaveText[43] = "A skeleton man rocketing 80 mph headfirst down an icy chute on a tea tray, his cranium mere inches from being knocked off and flung about the Turin countryside, is a combination that, as a red-bleeding-my-own-blooded male, just works for me. The name of this athlete, Pain, works even better. Jeff Pain, the Canadian Olympian, lost a gold medal by a snowflake’s zit to another Canadian, a skeleton man named Duff, as in golfing or beer or both. (Does placing behind Duff make Pain a sore luger?)
\I have known surgeons named Carver and Butcher, a gastroenterologist named Gass and a gynecologist named Perks. I have known a foreign doctor training at our hospital named John Kwak (pronounced Quack) who was asked to consider using a different name as patients hearing “Paging Dr. Kwak to emergency” tended to panic and duck out (sorry) the exits.
\And I feel like I have known Pain.
\Kidney stone pain, labor pain, surgical pain, fracture pain, back pain, phantom pain, emotional pain, pain in the butt and in the gut, of the head and heart. Sharp pain, dull pain, throbbing pain, nerve pain (neuralgia), chronic pain, lancinating pain, burning pain, pressure, intractable, squeezing, jabbing, stabbing, shooting (see Cheney chums), intermittent and continuous pains.
\Reaction to the same pain is highly variable. There are those who don’t want to take anything for it and will just tough it out. “Yes doctor the javelin jutting from my jaw is a bit painful but ‘tis merely a flesh wound.” These are known in medical terminology as stoic (see Monty Python).
\Others want the heaviest dose of narcotics for mild pain as they must absolutely be pain-free. These are known in medical terminology as wimps.
\In really recent relevant research it has been shown that the pain response is different in men and women. Women have three times more migraines, more irritable bowel (IBS), fibromyalgia, chronic pain and more menstrual cramps than men. The female approach to pain is emotionally mediated, involving fear and anxiety, making the pain episode worse. And women respond to certain pain medications differently than men, a function of certain genes that code for specific pain receptors. Women respond well, for example, to nalbuphine but this same painkiller can actually worsen pain in men! Men respond better to morphine or Coors. Medications are now being created to address this difference, the so-called “pink and blue” painkillers.
\Furthermore, certain genes associated with redheads means that they actually respond better to some analgesics than even-tempered people.
\It wasn’t too long ago that a country doctor who went on to found the Mayo clinic commented, “The only two things in my black bag that I know works for sure are morphine and my saw.”
\Doctor’s all have bigger bags now and we can carry some newer pain medications including:
\Tramacet: meant to help reduce our insane national addiction to Tylenol 3’s.
\Lyrica: For nerve type pain like shingles or sciatica etc.
\Sativex: Some dudes will recognize the root word of this medication and will be flying down to see the doc with several new pains to get some of this medical bud.
\Pain patches: Duragesic or lidocaine patches. Can reduce your pill burden dramatically.
\ Red hair dye."; dDaveText[44] = "Recently, my son’s teenage friend appeared at our door, face and neck bruised, battered and stitched up with so many sutures he resembled the Canucks after playing the Flying Fathers. Flatly denying a bad date with a good girl, he confessed that his sweet, serene family dog, Fangslaughter, had done this to him. Stated he had simply leaned over the lying cur (albeit wearing his Halloween postal-worker outfit, complete with assault weapon and strike notice) and began to playfully tease, when the dog simply up and bit his face. There was no apparent reason for this attack, though perhaps in retrospect, resting his knee on the dog’s privates (though in reality there’s nothing terribly private about dog’s privates… more like sergeants) may have prompted the Rover rampage.
\One of the commonest reasons for a visit to the common emergency room are common bites by common pets. This is the truth about cats and dogs.
\CATS
\Our feline friends are fraught with filthy festering fangs and should you ever get a deep puncture bite, regardless of the size, get treated. The cat fangs are so slender and sharp that they can actually pierce and infect bone with just a wee opening! Cat bites have a very high infection rate and can be quite serious. Unless it’s a very superficial scrape, I treat all bites of the hands and face as well as any other deep penetrating bites elsewhere, with antibiotics. If you’re punctured, drown the wound in peroxide and head to your doctor.
\If your cat is like mine, every so often it loses it’s sense of animal taxonomy and snuggles into my chest thinking that I am it’s long lost parent. It then begs for some cash and the keys to the car and when denied it snuggles up closer, revs the motor up to Harley-Davidson level and begins kneading me with it’s claws. I don’t move a muscle, fearing even to breathe lest those claws be tempted to rake the very skin off my bones. I become categorically catatonic for fear of a dermal catastrophe. This is usually when my son catapults into the room testing out his new 80000 decibel air horn. The cat takes a goodly portion of my bleeding hide with it to wherever cats go to when they evaporate their freaked out carcasses through the ceiling. For the next few days, I end up checking myself for swollen lymph nodes to see if I’ve developed cat scratch fever. Although not dangerous, it can be an explanation for unexplained swollen “glands” in your armpits or neck. It is also a misnomer as there is no fever.
\DAWGS
\While a cat uses the more elegant deep puncture method, dawgs prefer the crushing approach. This means that the wound is usually not as deep and subsequently less infection ensues. My rule of thumb and fingers is that if the bite involves the hand and is deep, antibiotics are in order. Elsewhere, watch for infection very, very carefully. Knowing where my own dog’s mouth has been in the space of 24 hours, makes me want to take the pharmacy’s stock of antibiotics, disinfectants and birth control pills.
\An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of stitches. Therefore NEVER:
\ 1. Tease a feeding dog or cat. A dog’s motto is “Bite the hand that feeds you if the hand gets between me and my kibbles `n bits.”On rare occasion we doctors get into trouble with the college as a result of complaints from patients. For me this occurs on Tuesday. A nostalgic tear wells up in my eye as I recall, oh so well, the first time I was hauled up on the carpet. I was a brash young intern (“intern” meaning that we are interned and entombed deep within the hallowed halls of hospital hell. We are not yet able to set up practice and get sued for real.) “So young intern, who we presume would ultimately like to make a living as a doctor, would you care to explain why you said what you did?”
\It had been a dark and stormy night and I had been on maternity call roughly 478 hours. I was minutes away from catching another baby in the Labor and Delivery room, this time courtesy of a woman from Gabriola Island. Gabriola is a gorgeous little pearl in the Gulf Island necklace that adorns the waters between Vancouver Island and the BC mainland. It is home to many a free spirit including many Americans who spirited themselves free of the draft. It remains the happy hippie home of gum boots, granola and good guano. It is the land of tie-dye, bandanas, VW vans and peace. The birth of this freshest Gabriolan was going well, though a naked four year-old prancing about the room sticking his nose into the action site (to check for his new sib) was a tad distracting. Fifteen minutes after the pleasant entrance into this world of Moonshadow Raccoon Nosehair, came the placenta.
\“Could you save that for us please, doctor?”
\“Why?” I inquired.
\“Well, we plan to cook it up and eat it,” they replied.
\Honestly believing that they were kidding, I then let loose with a wisecrack that subsequently landed me in hot water. “Really, what do you cook it with, Placenta Helper?”
\Such was my first exposure to placentaphagia: the eating of placenta. According to the Julia Childproducts’ cookbook Quick and Easy Human Organs, the placenta can be fried, sautéd, fricasseed and even baked (half-baked?). The February 1999 edition of Harper’s Magazine actually describes some popular recipes for placenta. Honest.
\Various cultures are known to spread the placenta in gardens. Others will bury it with a palm seedling, which upon maturing as a tree, can be a reminder to the child that part of him/her is in that coconut, giving new meaning to the phrase “You’re nuts.”
\In addition to being used as a dietary delicacy, protein and hormone-rich placenta is used in health care products ranging from shampoos to Chinese remedies for impotence, menopause and general anti-aging. Those with an extra $25,000 (ie. those who invest in a significantly different fashion than I do) and wish to feel younger, may wish to undergo placental injections.
\Placenta, which is derived from the same stem cells as the baby, is the only non-diseased live organ that can be removed from the body for study. Most folks, Carolyn Parrish excluded, resent having a brain removed for scientific study. Placentologists are able to use this organ to test drugs or poisons, extract hormones, investigate disease (genetic) and even use the placental membrane for healing burn wounds.
\ It is remarkable to realize that, be it an inny or an outie, the wee lint collector in the middle of our belly was once our lifeline. We can be born sans various appendages and even organs, but everyone (with the exception of Adam and Eve perhaps??) has a navel base. The placenta does not actually transmit mother’s blood to baby, but rather it acts as a barrier preventing her blood from mixing with that of the fetus. It selectively allows the passage of substances required for fetal development including nutrients, oxygen, and Snickers bars. It is also the conduit for returning waste products like ammonia and broccoli back to the mother. If this 500g organ gets infected, has a diminished blood supply, is contaminated by alcohol and tobacco products, or is not sitting in its proper locale within the womb, then the fetus is at risk of having birth defects. By examining the placenta, known as the “diary of life”, much about life in the womb, good or bad, can be determined. Cerebral palsy (brain damage caused by a “botched” birth) is the number one reason that obstetricians end up in court. But much to the chagrin of lawyers, there may not necessarily be anyone to blame in many of these cases. The placenta rather than the doctor may be the culprit or it may, in fact, reveal an answer as to what was the real cause of brain damage. In my own case, I believe I was born on Tuesday."; dDaveText[46] = "PMS is the unfortunate lot in life of 40 million North American women, most of whom taught me Math during my eight years of high school. To better understand PreMenstrual Syndrome, I contacted The PMS Research lab, located approximately 300 miles north of Thule, Greenland. The lab is located on the campus of the Thule University Screaming Harp Seals. I spoke with PMS director, professor Peter M. Shudder, MD about the research.
\“Well, ffffffffirst let me sssay thththththat there are over 150…”
\“Geez doc” I interrupted “Is it that cold up there?”
\“Nnnno, jjjjjust my nnnerves are all shshshot to Baghdad. OK, now, PMS is a Pretty Messy Situation encompassing 150 symptoms that range from acne to zaniness. No woman other than Rosanne could ever have all 150, but many will have up to 30 or so symptoms, the most common including:
\1. Painful Muscle Spasms: include aches and pains ranging from backache to migraines. Advil, ASA or apparently a frying pan toss helps one to cope.
\
2. People May Stare: at the amount of chocolate you ingest. Craving for food and alcohol occurs in these two premenstrual weeks.
\
3. Praying Mantis Similarities: PMS has actually been used as a defense in murder trials given the volatile mood swings, irritability and on occasion, an inclination to eat their own.
\
4. Perch Might Swim. Water retention may be so severe that entire families of ducks may land on your legs. This water retention also leads to weight gain, breast tenderness and bloating.
\
5. Powerful Men Snivel: at the hostility, a sense of being outta control, paranoia and a hysterical response. In fact the term hysterectomy (removing the womb) is derived from a woman’s tendency to HYSTeria. Unfortunately women who have had hysterectomies still get PMS, in fact it may even be a trigger.
\
6. Perceptive Men Skeedaddle.”
“Doctor?” I query “What can men do during PMS episodes?”
\“Leave.”
\“Anything else?”
\“No.”
\“I see. Now, why do some women get PMS and some don’t?”
\“It’s generally regarded as a hormone disorder originating in the brain. After mid cycle ovulation there is a precipitous rise and fall of estrogen. It is an abnormal response to this fluctuation that Produces Miserable Symptoms. Often a major shock to the system like childbirth, hysterectomy, a major life stressor or even going off the birth control pill can initiate this abnormal response. Any woman who notices emotional or physical problems that occur cyclically likely has PMS.”
\“Is there any dietary advice you’d give.”
\“Patients should completely eliminate caffeine, alcohol, and tobacco while reducing sugary, salty and smoked foods. A diet emphasizing whole grains, complex carbos and bran is advised and six small meals rather than three is preferred.”
\“What about medication?”
\“I use Valium.”
\“No, the patients.”
\“Oh. Their medication would depend on the symptoms. Should water retention be a concern then a diuretic can help. In fact Spironolactone, an old time diuretic, taken at 100mg/day for 14 days prior to menses has been shown to alleviate both physical and psychological complaints. For strictly psychological problems then Prozac Might Stifle the anxiety and can now be taken only during the two weeks of grief. Progesterone May Suffice if given during the premenstrual episode. More recently low calcium and vitamin D has been correlated to PMS severity. Also a daily vitamin B6 100ug and vigorous exercise helps as well as ....oh nnnnnnooo.”
\“What is it doctor?”
\ “Rrrrecess issss ovovovver”"; dDaveText[47] = "“Compose a wise saying and your name will live forever.” Anonymous
\Recently I slud into seductive Sedona, Arizona, the happy hippie home of mystical magical mountains and ridiculously red rocks. A town where inhabitants proudly proclaim to be “diagonally parked in a parallel universe.” Or as on ol’ timer explained as he looked me over suspiciously, “Yep, since the rocks supposedly got magical powers we got every fruitcake in the pantry coming here now.” Fascinating rock formations enclose this desert town, each nicknamed by the locals according to who or what they resemble. These rocks are blessed with mystical powers that apparently can heal hernias, soothe snakebites, cure consumption, remedy rheumatizz, treat tremors, purge pinworms all while magically levitating $20 bills out of tourist wallets. Nature has formed these monolithic monsters into Merry Go Round Rock, Coffeepot Rock, Snoopy Rock and Devil’s Bridge.
\Nature also forms rocks in our bodies. We name them according to what organ seems to be closest to them. But unlike Sedona, our rocks are not cures but rather corrupters. Typically, human stones obstruct the free flow of fluids, leading to swelling and severe pain.
\GALLSTONES: 30 million North Americans (or roughly 10% of the readers of this column) carry gallstones in their gallbladders. Collectively that actually adds up to a whopping 40 tons of rock, which incidentally also describes a Mama Cass, Meatloaf duet. Another one million of you will be diagnosed with cholelithiasis (gallstones) this year. Half will have them removed surgically. Usually these stones, 75% of which are cholesterol stones, laze around the bottom of the gallbladder, and never venture out on tour. If they do get squeezed out into the bile duct then all heck breaks loose. Sometimes they will slide back into the gallbag but often they will stay put, creating major pain just under the right breast (depending, of course, on where your breast happens to be these days). 90% of the time surgery is the method of choice for removal of impacted gallstones. Only a small percentage fit the criteria for lithotripsy, whereby ultrasonic waves shatter the stone into small bits.
\SIALOLITHIASIS or stones of the saliva glands: Open up your mouth and look under your tongue at the floor of your mouth. Remove parsley. See those two disgusting clammy-looking fellas peeking up. Those are Wharton’s Ducts, I believe named after the salivalologist who discovered them, Dr. Ducts. Can’t find them, then place a lemon in your mouth and watch what happens. Stones can form in this duct too, getting stuck and causing pain and swelling under the chin and in the neck.<
\PROSTATIC CALCULI: As if the prostate doesn’t have enough problems, small stones form in the prostates of 75% of middle aged men and 100% of elderly men. Though usually not symptomatic, these stones can get infected and remain a source of chronic bladder infections.
\FECALITH: Concretion of the feces can occur so that a piece of hardened feces can become a nasty round stone (rabbit rocks) and get jammed somewhere within the intestinal system. Fecaliths are the commonest cause of appendicitis as well as diverticulitis (which is often described as appendicitis on the left side of the abdomen).
\ KIDNEY STONES: Last but not least are the horrifically painful kidney stones. One million North Americans will get them this year. Dehydration is one of the commonest causes of kidney stones which is why it is important to avoid hot rocky seductive desert towns. Otherwise… Rock on Sedona."; dDaveText[48] = "“The pain is awful, doctor. I can’t sleep, I’m in tears most of the day and I’m taking 10 Tylenol every four hours. Is there anything stronger?” Wayne has hobbled into the office with a fiberglass cast molded about his lower leg. Each step is accompanied by an exaggerated grimace and an occasional groan. He broke his fibula two weeks ago after slipping on a wet floor at a restaurant. “Well Wayne, a small bone in your lower leg shouldn’t be causing this much pain two weeks after breaking it.” “You have no idea of the pain, right Susie?” Girlfriend/accomplice Susie nods in agreement. “He just cries all the time. But we’ve heard that you’re a really great doctor.” she offers. “Have you tried ibuprofen?” I suggest. “Allergic to it doc, blow up like a balloon.” It turns out, of course, that Wayne is allergic to everything other than Dilaudid, a heroin strength narcotic, worth big bucks on the street.
\I used to be a trusting sort. But over the years MD can come to mean Master Detective. An unpleasant occupational hazard in our profession is that we are forced to deal with scammers, the desperate frauds who try to fool doctors in order to obtain drugs. From a trusting young doctor who once believed that every patient who said they were in pain were being truthful, I have become a little more skeptical. For example, when a patient states that they have a sore back I now counter with “YOU LYING PILL POPPING SNAKE.” I admit my bedside manner has deteriorated, but I do get scammed less often.
\Scammers have a basket full of tricks. Commonly it is the lower back scam. The scammer has familiarized himself with the symptoms of sciatica. His/her description of the symptoms is always textbook. Good scammers can even fake some of the tests. The visit of the drug seeker becomes a game, a battle between doctor and scammer. “So, does it hurt if you bend over.” “OWW! Oh the pain!!.” “Well it appears as though you have sciatica, which means it should feel better if I step on your pancreas while stretching your right earlobe toward your elbow.” (You didn’t realize that medicine was this much fun, did you.)
\Other classic tricks include the painful rotting tooth (that never gets fixed), the old broken collarbone that juts out, or the old scar that is supposed to represent some awful, agonizing condition. Knowing that the pain associated with kidney stones could score some decent narcotics, scammers will prick their finger in order to put blood in their urine sample.
\One doctor actually enjoys scamming the scammers. Hobbling in on crutches, the scammer becomes downright giddy when he is prescribed 200 Morphine pills. Exiting the office he cartwheels and pirouettes all the way to the pharmacy only to be told that the prescription is dated Feb 30, 2009. My colleague is targeted less often now.
\Scammers are always flattering and full of praise. “You are a fantastic doctor, you are so caring and your eyes are so blue and ...” I admit I encourage this part of the game. “Thanks Bloggins. Say, check out these pythons I’ve got for biceps.”
\Scammers are forever accidentally dropping their previously scammed prescriptions down the sink or into the toilet. Producing a broken or wet pill bottle, they now need a refill. Toilets have seemed to develop a voracious albeit specific appetite for Valium and Demerol. Penicillin somehow never gets spilled.
\Scammers are constantly losing their prescriptions or having a purse stolen. Some will go so far as to produce a police report “proving” that they were burglarized. These are the same people who will pilfer anything not tied down in a doctor’s office, from scissors to KY (don’t ask). This is terribly inconvenient to us at it means we must now go to the hospital and scam...er... borrow new supplies.
\ Back to the true story of Wayne and Susie. Wayne had actually jumped out of a second story apartment, thinking in his cocaine induced paranoia, that the cops were at his door. Knowing he’d broken his leg, he phoned another criminally minded friend, and paid him to drive to McDonalds. Pouring coffee on the floor, Wayne then “slipped”. He successfully sued for $80,000. When this plot was revealed to me a couple of months later by his accomplices, I called McDonalds. The insurance investigator decided that the money was irretrievable, likely deeply invested into Wayne’s nostrils. “We’ve been scammed before” he admits. I know the feeling. "; dDaveText[49] = "Is snoring dangerous? It is if:
\1.You are among the 30% of very loud snorers who develop OSA
\
2.You sleep in the same tent as Jack’s nastier brother, Ralph Kevorkian.
\
3.You discover that your snore imitates the mating call of a moose while camping in Bull Moose Hollow.
OSA refers to:
\
1. Overzealous Sinus Action
\
2. Occasional Snoring Accident
\
3. Overt Seismology Alert
\
4. Obstructive Sleep Apnea
It has been estimated that obstructive sleep apnea affects 15% of men over age 30 and 5% of women of the same age group. This makes OSA one of the most common medical conditions in the adult population! My introduction to OSA came when, as a wee tadpole, I used to sleep with my grandfather, Dah. Dah, like all snorers, was always the first one asleep. Within nanoseconds of tucking in he’d have the chain saw out and revving. Suddenly, he’d just stop breathing altogether for about 15 seconds! Just as I’d begin to worry, he’d let loose with a massive snort that inhaled the doilies off the dresser. I would cling to the bedpost while pieces of my clothing were torn from my body and my Dr Dentons flung unsnapped. I was caught up between amusement (I loved to stick various items near his mouth just prior to a snort to see how far they would move, ie. Kleenex, the cat, kitchen stove) and fear (of my grandmother finding Dah dead in the morning and blaming me for ramming the cat down his throat). Later that year I completed medical school and learned that sleep apnea can be a very serious concern as it may lead to high blood pressure, memory loss, fitful sleep and even stroke and heart attack.
\Are you tired during the day? Despite a full night’s sleep, do you wake up unrefreshed? Do you have memory loss or um… concentration… um… concentration… um… problems or memory loss? Do you fall asleep when in bored meetings? Daytime sleepiness (somnolence), along with a spouse who notices that you stop breathing at night, should alert you to the possibility that you have OSA.
\If you suspect you have sleep apnea, see your doctor who will order a sleep study. This is not a difficult test. You are simply given a tape of Henry Kissinger discussing bowling etiquette. Falling immediately into a deep comatose like sleep, you are then observed. The observer counts the number of apneic spells (no breathing for 10 seconds) and also measures how low your oxygen levels dip while you sleep. Apnea (not breathing) in turn, lowers your oxygen levels which, in turn, activates your sympathetic nervous system which, in turn, raises adrenaline which, in turn, elevates your blood pressure and pulse which, in turn, leads to heart attack or stroke which, in turn, possibly puts you in the care of an intern, which intern could be anybody’s guess, which, in turn, may mean Monica Lewinsky may be your doctor.
\Treatment includes:
\ 1. An oral appliance like a tongue retaining device, a jaw repositioner or vice grips.Some say that smoking is detrimental. Hogwash!! Frankly I can think of many reasons that smoking benefits both the smoker and society in general.
\SOCIETY
\1. Smoking helps rid the world of solid toxic substances like toluenes, benzenes and formaldehyde. By creating a wee burning toxic waste dump each time a fag is lit up, some 3,000 solid poisons are converted into gas and thoughtfully removed from the environment and deposited into the smokers lungs. This may save our landfills.
\2. Cancer research would come to a grinding halt if everyone stopped smoking. White mice would overrun labs, mad scientists would go completely sane and start cloning Dolly Partons instead of sheep. Pocket protector factories would shut down.
\3. Smoking keeps new doctors well trained. If not for smokers, young doctors in love graduating from med skools would see far less pathology. This would lead to loss of interest in medicine and many would quit and end up with some dead end job trapping white mice.
\4. Decrease the overpopulation. It has been calculated that each cigarette smoked shortens life by 11 minutes. An average smoker loses 6.5 years of life and many more years of quality of life.
\SMOKERS:
\1. Catch less communicable diseases. People carry germs. Due to the distinkt aroma of a smokers breath, hair and pores, few people enjoy getting close enough to a smoker to transmit germs.
\2. Bask in a plethora of spectral splendor as they exude a cornucopia of colour. Green sputum in the morning, a lovely yellow tinge to teeth and fingers glistening in the noonday sun, and how about the brilliant red urine from bladder cancer that only a smoker can get.
\3. Get to look like Joe Chemo, …er, Camel
\4. Enjoy an excellent weight loss program. With a smoker’s taste buds rendered as useless as Liberals west of Ottawa, all meals taste like cardboard and the pounds are shed. Failing that, Virginia Slims and cancer have teamed up to eat those pounds away.
\5. Feel less guilty about missing bike to work week. While observing a cyclist toiling earnestly, many folks would feel inspired if not guilty about not doing the same. The smoker, however, who puffs and gasps just reaching for a lighter, is beyond the temptation of engaging in potentially harmful vigorous exercise. They just demonstrate that famous will power that addicts are known for and declare firmly “No, I’m not even tempted”.
\6. Are trend setters in the world of fashion. “Delightful new fall fashion, Pierre Cardin oxygen bottles in a scintillating chiffon carrier with matching accessory tubes wrapped around the face. Note those two gorgeous prongs rammed up the nostrils. And who wouldn’t look twice at that stunning hole in your throat with a revealing metal tracheostomy.”
\7. Get the best views at any restaurant. In fact, nowadays they get to sit out in the view.
\8. Are wonderful role models to our youth. Hey, you thought that kids only smoked to get the neat cough with matching stained fingernails? NO! They want to be a grown up, in control... like you.
\ Speaking of children, some folks feel that the government is destroying health care in our country. Hogwash!!"; dDaveText[51] = "There are those who would be surprised to know that I went to Harvard, or even graduated high school for that matter. But one day, not too far from Harvard, my car which has a blue book value of about $324 (when the tank’s full of premium) got all hot and bothered and needed to cool down. So I went to Harvard and took a tour. What I learned from my days, er day at Harvard was that students here are encouraged to “know something about everything and everything about something.” Harvardonians may, for example, become experts on the theoretical uncertainty of Heisenberg’s thirty first principle but also take a course on say, squirrels.
\Such is true of your medical community. GP’s know nothing much about everything and everything about hush puppies. Specialists know an awful lot about very little. Nowadays subspecialists know even more about even less. For example, a plastic surgeon may have restricted his specialty to breast reconstruction, a breastologist. An opthalmologist may only deal in problems of the left retina in diabetics between the ages of 44 and 47 and so on.
\See if you can match the symptoms with the disease and then whom you might see.
\1. Your pulse is fast, you are boiling hot while everyone else is in a sweater and your eyes bug out so far you make Marty Feldman salivate
\
2.Despite Atkins, Jenny Craig and Krispy Kreme diets you still outweigh Gabon
\
3. You begin to bruise at the touch of a louse hair speaking of which, your husband is now being questioned about it.
\
4.Six months since your car wreck and your lawyer advises you that your neck, back and earlobe pain are worse.
\
5.After an African safari you return home with very high fever, chills, diarrhea and enough ivory to make the piano blush.
\
6. Your HDL is low, your LDL is high and you eat nothing but grass cuttings.
\
7. You have no pulse, can’t breath and your pupils are fixed and dilated (see Liberal party)
\
8. You have a rash on your elbows and knees and now the joints of your hands are smokin’ and you don’t smoke joints.
\
9.The doctor says your prostate is lumpy and your PSA is batting 1000
\
10. You see floaters and spiders and haven’t done mushrooms in years.
A. Malaria
\
B. Psoriatic arthritis
\
C. Morbid obesity
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D. Hyperthyroidism
\
E. Vitreous detachment
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F. Familial hyperlipidemia
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G. Chronic pain syndrome
\
H. Prostate cancer
\
I. Death
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J. Idiopathic thrombocytopenia
I. Radiation oncologist
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II. Retinal surgeon
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III. Bariatric surgeon
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IV. Rheumatologist
\
V. Pathologist
\
VI. Physiatrist
\
VII. Hematologist
\
VIII. ID specialist (Infectious disease)
\
IX. Lipidologist
\
X. Endocrinologist
SCORE:
\
9-10 - you are GP material
\
4-8 - you are specialist material
\
0-3 - don’t get sick
This week I depart from the usual frivolity in order to underscore a growing concern in our community. I promise to return to senseless drivel again next week.
\In the movie “True Lies”, Arnold Schwarznegger laments the waywardness of his daughter as he tenderly comments “I vould like to sqvish her little head between my pumped up biceps”. He goes on to admit frustration with the competition for parenting the girl between himself, MTV, her peers and rock stars. He finally resorts to doing the fatherly thing that all we fatherlies have been doing for years. He goes on to destroy organized crime, a terrorist nuclear arsenal and the Public School Teachers Federation in order to win her affection and the right to parent her.
\Recently a high school class in my town was faced with the statement, “Abstinence is the only real safe sex, agree or disagree”. When 39 out of 40 students disagreed, the “teacher”, rather than using this opportunity to discuss the importance of abstinence, proceeded to instead demonstrate how to use a condom in order to have “safe sex”. A brief discussion of how these protect against STD’s and pregnancies no doubt left the class confident and prepared to put it to the test.
\Last week, Mary, age 15, was inconsolable as I tried to explain that those awful, painful genital sores were Herpes. She will, unfortunately, have to battle this for the rest of her life. She was the third teenager of the week I had seen with Herpes. Realizing the lifelong sentence of these infections, the young girl responded between sobs, “But I used condoms and…” Condoms, even when they work, often do not protect against the skin-to-skin diseases like Herpes and genital warts. In addition, condoms do break, fall off and are often in the nervous hands of nervous kids (at nervous times) who, though they flirt with parenthood, have yet to qualify for a drivers license. Broken or slipped condoms, of course, permit transmission of Chlamydia, HIV, gonorrhea and premature enrollment in Lamaze classes. I emphasize, however, that even the best condoms do not necessarily prevent the transmission of other painful and debilitating STD’s. Should we be only encouraging the use of condoms or should we be primarliy encouraging the use of abstinence?
\I lend my voice to an ever increasing group of doctors who advocate the emphasis being put on abstinence. They are discouraged at seeing their communities’ teenage girls file into the office for morning after pills, STD checks and pregnancy tests. Sometimes they come in twos, threes or fours, all wishing the same tests as they’d been at the same party. It’s uncertain excitement for them as they titter and joke while waiting for the test results. Then the oft devastating news. I, like Arnold, wonder how these kids stand a chance given that the value systems in their lives are established by the likes of Jerry Springer, Marilyn Manson and Bud Bundy. What’s a kid to do when guidelines for life are determined by the misdirection of Hollywood, misguided direction of many schools and the often wrong direction of friends. But it is the unnecessary lack of direction of many parents, the abrogation of teaching responsibility, that is the single greatest concern. The missing moral compass in some kids’ lives is apparent as one teen revealed to me, “The sum of the counsel my Dad ever gave me was to score a goal, wear a condom and don’t pick up hitchhikers.” No effort to teach the kids the importance of living principle based lives, whatever those principles may be.
\“But Doctor, the kids will do their own thing no matter what we tell them”.
\ “Ah yes grasshopper, but as the twig is bent the tree will grow.” Unfortunately too many twigs are growing on barren ground, nurtured without fibre and bereft of nourishing principle. Without strong moral fibre the twig is tossed to and fro until it ends up in the doctor’s office. Time and again we sit across a room, staring at the product of a lifetime of neglected parental counsel, the consequence of one raised with a lack of principles. Time and again we try to deal with the failed attempts of youth trying desperately to grow up in a hurry and be like their TV icons. Time and again we sympathize with pregnant teens as they anguish over the future of their babe, and that of their own. Principle based living instruction should be initiated by the parents while children are young, but must further be reinforced and fortified as they enter teenagedom. Failure to do so ensures Mary… will not be alone."; dDaveText[53] = "“Doctor I’d like to know if any of these supplements are interfering with the prescription you gave me for my foot fungus.”
\“What’s the problem Bloggins?”
\“Well I’ve noticed my left pancreas is itchy and my hair is sluggish.”
\“Exactly what supplements are you taking?”
\“Not sure, so I brought them with me.” At this time I often hear a loud beeping sound as if a large delivery truck were backing up whereupon I glance outside to observe a large delivery truck backing up. Out tumbles the prize products of infomercials, National Enquirer ads and so-called “health shows” (the ones that exhibit every health expert with the exception of actual health experts.)
\“Here they are. Let’s see.” As Bloggins begins stacking bottles upon plastic bottles of virgin beaver tooth extract and beta6 isoelbowanoids I note a preponderance of items beginning with G like ginseng, gingko, grapeseed, assorted green thingamajigs and giblets of Gary Gilmour. As Bloggins proudly looks over her small pharmacy of assorted supplements I soon learn that he has no idea what they are actually for.
\“By the way do you take any supplements doctor?”
\“I do”
\“What?” he asks eager to add whatever I might suggest to his little armada of bottles.
\“Well on a daily basis I take a Snickers pill but when the moon is exactly one third full I take a couple of Mr. Bigs particularly if I feel my serum transfats are getting a little low.”
\But to be honest I do take supplements. My constant perusal of the Lancet, New England Journal of Medicine and Women’s Weekly Digest has convinced me to take three supplements; curcumin, salmon oil and folic acid. I need supplements to make up for the paucity of these essential nutrients at the Hershey Cadbury grocery store I usually shop at.
\As I have previously expounded voluminously on the benefits of salmon and folic acid (for previous articles please contact the Pulitzer archives and mention my name repeatedly) I turn my attention now to curcumin as many of you do if someone has just ingested a bowl of curry before invading your private space. Curcumin is a component of the turmeric spice that gives curry its brilliant colour and pungency. My mother once made hot curried chicken when I was six and I’m convinced that the part that I didn’t toss to the regretful dog is still eating away at my olfactory glands.
\Curcumin has previously been touted to increase our brainpower, improve our vision and give us happier prostates, apparently for good reasons. It has excellent antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, and antiamyloid properties. It is these nasty amyloids that are constantly being implicated in Alzheimer's disease. India has significantly less Alzheimer's than North America to say nothing of a cancer rate ten times lower and a statistically significant lower number of Alanis Morrisette fans. Could curcumin be the reason they are so much healthier per se? It is currently being tested in multiple studies as a chemotherapeutic or chemopreventative agent because of its positive effects against cancer growth and spread. It is being studied in large prestigious cancer centers for its antioxidant properties and is now being looked at for specific cancer prevention and even treatment including the dangerous melanomas (moles gone wild). In one study it caused melanoma cells to actually self-destruct.
\Curcumin is very safe and tolerable in that ingesting bushels of this stuff appears to cause no toxicity whatsoever, unless on a first date. As more and more disease processes appear to depend on inflammation to wreak their havoc on our brains, arteries and joints, curcumin offers us a safe and effective anti-inflammatory agent.
\ “Thanks for the info doc. You’ve convinced me. I’ll go pick up gurgumin right away.”"; dDaveText[54] = "I sat on the lee of a hill gazing through the swaying pandanas at the milky white surf far below and marveled at how living in a run down shack on an island devoid of electricity, paved roads and “civilization” could feel so free. Life was as it should be. Tanna, the primitive Mitchneresque South Pacific island, was my home for seven months in 1995. After soaking up the afterglow of a fiery sun sinking into a lazy tropical ocean, I nestled under my mosquito net and began to sleep the sleep of a bush doctor, one eye always attuned to the fact that any second my dream could become a nightmare. From my bed I could gaze out across a field at our rough and tumble hospital. At any moment a lantern might come swinging across this field, attached to a nurse who had the task of beckoning me to another jungle emergency. Tonight it came. “Dokta” the nurse whispered almost apologizing as she stood at my door, “Man, he no good.” Tonight’s man in question was Esau, a man in his 20’s, as fit as a cheetah, muscular as a moose and sporting the fat of an anorexic ant. But he indeed had become “no good”. He was moribund. His abdomen was grossly distended and obstructed and he was about to die of some horrid tropical illness, perhaps the typhoid that had recently ravaged a remote part of the island. I explained to the village chief that Esau would most assuredly die unless he underwent urgent surgery. Of course, he was so sick that he might also die on the operating table. The chief and villagers took several hours to decide on whether to allow surgery. I wasn’t sure of what could be done on the operating table, but my Canadian training told me that I just couldn’t let him die. I must do something.
\Once they finally acquiesced, I rushed him into the makeshift operating room, anesthetized him with a shot of ketamine and made a two-foot incision into his rock hard abdomen. I worked desperately. My attention on this massively swollen and friable bowel was occasionally distracted by a piercing THWACK!, as the nurse every so often would snap a towel at a fly that had settled on the surgical site. So much for sterile technique. So engrossed I had become on what I was doing that I was astonished to look up at one point and see that several villagers had softly slipped into the operating room! Two men had crawled under the operating table, their hands reaching up under the drapes to hold Esau’s hand. They wanted to reassure him that he was part of a community where people knew when he was sick and cared if he died. “More gaz dokta?” came the inquiry from the chief who was standing at the head of the table, fiddling with the oxygen valves. I glanced around at 20 or so ill-clad barefoot villagers crouching or sitting reverently on the floor. This is bush medicine, pure and simple. More like the bush leagues the way I was operating.
\Had this patient been in a tertiary care hospital in any “civilized” country, he possibly would have lived. Had he been operated on by a surgeon, rather than a simple GP who usually treats sore knees and acne, he may have survived. I felt, watching Esau take his last breath, that my reputation among the Ni-Vanuatu men and women would be in tatters. Disconsolate and saddened, I felt tears join the 90 minutes of sweat that had pooled on my cheeks and mask. Then the chief turned to me and asked if he could offer a prayer. Without waiting for a reply, he began. “Thank you God, for letting us be here tonight to see the doctor work hard to help our man. We saw with our eyes what you wanted. Thank you for this doctor. We know that this is kustom.” Kustom meant that it was simply meant to be. Within minutes the villagers had Esau’s body wrapped up and with intense wailing they carried him out of the hospital compound and disappeared into the dark mist of a jungle night.
\ As I stumbled back across the field toward my mosquito net, I paused to sit at the lee of the hill, now dark but awaiting the morning light’s unveiling of another calm tropical vista. I thought about kustom. Kustom. I realized that tomorrow would bring another lantern and the next night yet another. My nights would come to resemble a teen patio party, filled with lanterns, anxious moments of truth and truthful moments of angst. Some nights would find me skipping back to bed, thrilled with success of a victory over disease and death. Other nights I’d be wishing I was back in Canada, treating simple problems with a host of specialists to help with the tougher ones. And as I sat and watched for the first glimpse of dawn, the reassurance came that here in this forgotten corner of the world kustom was a good thing. Life was as it should be."; dDaveText[55] = "We live in a boxy world. We wake up on our box mattress in a boxy room in our boxy house, pull on our boxers, eat Cocoa Puffs out of a box, drive in our Volvos (boxy) to a boxy building that is our work or school, sit in a boxy classroom or office, at boxy desks, open our Mike Tyson lunch boxes and eat our box of raisins. We return to our box afterwards, check the mailbox, pet our boxer on the head, turn the idiot box on to Home Box Office and watch boxing.
\We do the same thing every day until we die and then we’re buried… in a box.
\“I don’t have any energy, Doc, I feel depressed, I get headaches, I’m easily irritated and I’ve just got no zip in my life”.
\“Well, walk me through a typical day then, Mrs. Bloggins.”
\“Well OK, I get up, take my Prozac, get the kids off, watch Regis, eat, watch my soaps, eat, turn on Oprah, take a nap, eat, read Dr. Dave, watch a little Wheel, some ER, I watch the Simpsons with Ralph and the kids, watch the news then some Leno and if I can’t sleep I’ll watch the late show.”
\“And what do you do for enjoyment?”
\“Rent a movie.”
\In 1995, I spirited my family out of our boxy world and moved for eight months to the refreshingly primitive tropical island of Tanna in the South Pacific. Tanna has no electricity, paved roads, GST or idiot box. Living in that world, I gained some insight into what I feel is a contributing factor in modern depression—the TV box. “Dr Dayphid” would come the curious probing, “what does man-Canada do when not working?” “Well, we sit in a darkened room”, I explained “where a light beam from a 25,000 Volt cathode ray gun is aimed at our heads. We don’t move our eyes and we sit still for up to 4 hours a day. We enter a zombie-like state when our brain waves switch to what’s known as an alpha rythym. In this hypnotic alpha rythym we become non reactive, non learning and yet we’re often left mentally exhausted. Our minds become dim and our ability to react to our environment becomes blunted. Our perception of the world begins to match what the box tells us.” (Marcus Welby received 50,000 letters a year containing requests for medical advice.) “We develop fragmentation of our emotions. For example, we may be deeply engrossed in a gut wrenching documentary on Nazi death camps, only to have a poignant moment interrupted by “WHO WANTS GUM?”, or some cymbal clanging pink bunny march across our minds. Finally, many of us become addicted to this artificial light.”
\When our family returned to “civilization”, meaning we could now invite Jerry Springer into our living room, we made a command decision to ditch the TV. In fact, we tortured it slowly, then hung the cable around it’s neck and flung it over the balcony where it swung for three hours as we dangled the remote just beyond it’s reach.
\An average lifetime is about 640,000 hours. A full third of that is spent in halcyonic bliss. Another third is spent working, transporting and feeding ourselves. Another third is spent searching for car keys and the fourth third is spent watching TV. The average Canadian has about 40 or so “free” hours a week which they can devote to family, hobbies and looking for Billy’s lost hamster. The average Canadian spends 28 of those hours sitting in a dark room staring at a box. How many of us on our death beds wished we’d spent more time watching TV? As the hour glass of our life surrenders it’s sandy seconds to history, we sit obliviously gazing at artificial light and artificial life while the Grim Reaper taps the glass impatiently.
\After a mind stimulating evening of WWF, Baywatch and Melrose Place, we rise up off the couch and head to bed. Rather than living our own lives, or even making them halfway interesting or productive, we have spent another evening watching other people live theirs.
\ Are there not good shows on TV? Yes, but are there not some good nutrients in cow dung. Would you sift through the dung to get the nutrients? I’m used to getting my nutrients from… a box."; dDaveText[56] = "“Hey, you’re in town?”
\“Well the beerfest Olympics are on and...”
\“No. “You’re in town” is the name of a play, a comedy. Lets go.”
\And so I sashayed down to the fee-ate-her to watch WHAT??! “Urinetown”! A dripping saga about… well… actually it’d spoil the show if I let it leak out.
\Urologists live in the real life of Urinetown, heck they live in Urineworld, (not unlike Kevin Costners’ Waterworld but with more scopes and nurses, less shooting.)
\Poor urologists get to address not only urological problems but also must endure questions about strokes and headaches after having been introduced at the golf club social as “a neurologist.” As Dr. Pete “The Plumber” Pommerville, “a urologist” extraordinaire, sums it up “Just call us a peeologist and be done with it but quit calling me at 3AM about Mrs. Hornwiggle’s nervous twitch.”
\I sat down with Dr. Pommerville to discuss the world of snakes and bladders.
\Me: “So big Peter, you and I hail from the same hometown of Carleton Place, Ontario, how come our paths deviated so widely and I’m a GP while you ended up in urology?”
\PP: “Because I’m smarter than you. Now let’s talk about incontinence. OAB (Over Active Bladder) is a bladder matter easily identified by the OAB victim carrying a GPS with all bathrooms accurately marked within three square miles of wherever they’ll be. This dastardly drip can often be plugged quite effectively with one pill a day. But for those who don’t want to pop pills there is a new technique I’m using injecting Botox into the bladder wall.”
\Me: “To relax the bladder tension?”
\PP: “No, for cosmetic purposes you pecker head (classic urologist’s insult). Of course its to relax and soothe the spasticity of the bladder and makes life flow with ease. I do a lot of these primarily because left over Botox I get to use on my crow’s feet. A different but often simultaneous problem is “stress incontinence” which refers to the stress the woman has each time she laughs or coughs and ends up knocking out someone’s eye. Urine leakage can get so bad that Depends are at the top of the grocery list. If Kegels exercises (which entails screaming “KEEEEGLE” every time you tighten your pelvic floor) don’t work then this condition is corrected by means of a simple bladder suspension. “The suspense is killing me, I hope it’ll last.” Willie Wonka”
\ME: “What about bladder infections?”
\PP: “When we as urologists say “OK girls Front-to-Back” we aren’t talking about car seats. Girls and bladder infections are like tax season or dentists. Unpleasant events that come around all too often.
\Men have a built in urethral defense mechanism known as length, put there deliberately by that great urologist in the sky because he knew men wouldn’t go to a doctor with a bladder infection until their kidneys were floating somewhere up by their Adams Apple.
\But women have short urethras, which bacteria delight in zipping up wherein they find a huge inviting pool of urine and dive right in. They have a party, invite friends, make new friends (literally make them) and the poor host, irritated by all this partying, feels a sense of urgency, frequency of urination, discomfort and sometimes even blood in the urine.
\ As gals age they make less estrogen, a hormone that normally stands guard over the urethra like a reform school nun. It turns bacteria away when they come knocking on the urethral door. So I often give an estrogen cream to post menopausal women with recurrent bladder infections. Makes ‘em feel like an Olympic athlete, at least at the beerfest.”"; dDaveText[57] = "The military has an odd knack of referring to any nerve racking medical procedure as a “parade”, as though the thought of a marching band, twirling batons and juggling politicians in clownsuits, lessens the inevitable discomfort. “NEEDLE PARADE” for example is the lining up of the troops for inoculations. My personal favorite was “VAS PARADE” when, every Friday morning, all those “wishing” vasectomies would present to the clinic. “The Colonel is here about his Privates” the Medical Assistant would announce gleefully as he marched the shaking officer into the OR. Upon completion of the procedure the Med A would turn to the vulnerable vibrating vasectomized victim and hand him a glass of orange juice.
\“Welcome to the club, sir.”
\“What club?”
\“The Sunkist orange club, all juice and no seeds.”
\Parental debates between husband and wives include: who should change the diapers, who gets up at night with the baby, who goes to Billy’s first violin lesson, who meets Billy’s angry principal, who tells Billy about the fax of life and finally, when no more Billy’s are desired, who gets fixed.
\Vasectomy or tubal ligation. The male or the female. The wimp or the woman.
\I hope to solve this debate in this column and my final recommendations will be based purely on the medical facts with a slight bias towards those from whom I get tickets to the NHL Allstar game.
\The vas deferens are the tubes that men possess that transport Billy’s future sibs. They must be cut and tied off if this is to no longer occur. (The old medical skool joke was that there is a vas deferens between a man and a woman).
\More than 600,000 vasectomies are performed annually in North America with the newest improvement on the procedure being the No Scalpel Vasectomy(NSV). While this may conjure up images of a surgeon using assorted dental instruments or really sharp fingernails, in fact, it is through a very small puncture in the scrotum that the procedure is done. NSV is done under local anaesthetic with what the surgeon will describe as just a “small mosquito bite.” Small or not, to most men, a needle in that part of the anatomy may as well be the jaws of life. Routine mosquito bites become vicious sabre tooth attacks. No scalpel vasectomy involves no stitches, no shaving, no scalpel and no snivelling. Advantages of this procedure include less bleeding, less infection and less time in which some one is fiddling with the nether regions. The vas is severed and the tubes are tied off. There is no decrease in libido and the failure rate (failure meaning Billy gets a sister) is less than 1%. Sometimes a little lump can develop at the site but except for some occasional post-op swelling, there are few complications.
\It must be considered a permanent sterilization. Reversal is not terribly successful, is expensive and is like trying to take two strands of thread and aligning the ends precisely head to head, then sewing them together.
\Tubal ligations on the other hand require penetration into the abdominal cavity. The fallopian tubes leading from the ovaries to the uterus are either clipped, cauterized or cut. Again it is a relatively simple procedure with few complications. Done right after childbirth this is easy and effective (and the patient is usually highly motivated). Though this too must be considered permanent, reversal is somewhat more successful than with vasectomies.
\The advantages of the vasectomy therefore are that it is safer, easier and quicker. The disadvantages are that it is not as easily reversible and it has to be performed on men.
\ Speaking of the disadvantaged reminds me, it’s “SPINE INSERTION PARADE” today and the clinic is full of jugglers in clownsuits."; dDaveText[58] = "Things you might want to know about a doctor before you trust him or her with your healthcare.
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-why so many patients in waiting room are afflicted with cobwebs
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-why most are accompanied by lawyers
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-has he ever performed plastic surgery on Jacko, Farrah or Burt
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-the diameter of index finger
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-does he own a dog
The dawc’s dawg? It now appears that doctors without border collies are safer for you, the patient, than doctors with dachshunds. If your doctor cuddles his/her dog/cat then he/she might well be the cause of your untimely demise. A recent study has indicated that MRSA, the so-called superbug resistant to most antibiotics, can be passed from pets to people (ie doctors) and then on to other people (ie patients.) MRSA is a lovely mutant form of Staph. aureus that usually does nothing more than etch out a small spider bite-like lesion on your skin. But on occasion it can get downright nasty and spread into your body causing other adverse effects like zits and death.
\Zoonosis is the transmission of diseases from animals to humans and doctors. Children are particularly susceptible given their propensity to want to taste what the dog tasted, lick toys that the dog licked, and fling their filthy festering fingers freely into their mouths. We need to ask ourselves, as Rover scores a succulent sloppy slurp on our snout and up into our sinuses, exactly where that tongue was three minutes earlier.
\Thousands of kids in North America are infected annually with roundworm parasites, the commonest zoonotic infection passed on by dogs. While most will show no evidence of this infestation, 10,000 kids a year will develop a strange rash and 750 per year will have their vision damaged as the worm crawls into the retina. Toxocara canis (roundworms) infects virtually all dogs at some time. Almost 100% of pooping puppies are born infected with T canis, and they shed millions of eggs per day. Toxocara eggs exist everywhere in our environment. Enjoy your breakfast.
\From toxocara to toxoplamosis, courtesy of those cute but toxic kitties. Toxoplasmosis may cause no symptoms either but on occasion it can lead to brain and eye damage. It is especially important for pregnant women not to clean cat litter boxes, as toxoplasmosis can cause birth defects. While fiddling with cat feces is one way to get toxoplasmosis, the greater risk of contracting this disease comes from gardening, (particularly if a cat was gardening there before you) or eating undercooked meat, like pork, lamb or rack of kitty.
\And cats don’t get off easy with just parasites. Of late is the concern regarding the dreaded avian flu (H5N1 if you speak droid.) Cats tend to snack on avian and have now been found to contract avian flu, shedding the virus in their feces and nasal droplets.
\As I peck away at the computer my own disease-delivering dog, who has just noisily groomed her nether regions, is now licking the marshmallow topping and jujube remnants from the webbing off my fingers. “Bad dog. Go play with the kids.” OK, off to the clinic.
\ Here are some easy ways to help protect your family from diseases carried by house pets:Perusing the games aisle of the local Walco, the names of the board games gave me a familiar sense that I was back in my office. Add some screams of pain and a few biopsy specimens spilt on the floor and the rest is comparable.
\OPERATION whereby improperly extracting an organ makes the board buzz and the game goes dead. In real life improperly extracting an organ makes the lawyers buzz and the game goes dead.
\RISK (aka “We Used to be Friends”) was a favourite of my sons and I back in the days when we were speaking. Your 10 year risk of a heart attack or stroke can now be calculated by your doctor, along with your risk of being stranded in Kamchatka.
\MONOPOLY. Usually this begins with “Doctor, I know you’re extremely busy and I promise, I won’t be long but…” upon which the list is pulled out while the wailing room continues to pile up overflowing into the neighbourhood pub where specialists practice. It is a well-known fact that 20% of the population are responsible for 80% of the workload.
\CRANIUM. As in those who should go to the store and purchase this gift because they are obviously in need of one. “Give your cranium a shake, Bloggins. What were you thinking when you saw the skull and crossbones on that cigarette package and decided it must be something you ingest deeply into your lungs?”
\HUNGRY HIPPOS leads to hurtin’ hips, hefty hams and heart hell.
\BACKGAMMON. “OK, Bloggins, time for that prostate check.” Men should get a prostate check every year after the age of 50.
\CLUE, as in you haven’t got one therefore I am going to smack you with this candlestick holder until you quit inserting the birth control pill and take it by mouth. (This actually happened to me once).
\TRIVIAL PURSUIT. Doc, I was reading on the internet about the symptoms of the rare Eastern Moldavian portobello ovarian cysts and I think I might have them.” “Well, frankly, Burt, I’d be more concerned about your prostate. Lets play Backgammon.”
\PICTIONARY. “Let me draw it for you, Bloggins. The pizza goes into this here gastric area and then little boats like these transport cholesterol and other fats directly to your buttocks, which now looks like this, ohh… I need a blackboard.”
\DARTS. Not really a board game, but seeing it reminded me of my mother suggesting a game of darts if I played goalie.
\HEADBANDS. “My headache is like a band squeezing around my head,” means you have a muscle contraction headache from stress, neck strain or playing goalie at the family dart tournament.
\BATTLESHIP. “B7- You absolutely need this coumadin to keep from having another stroke…” “Y4? -Nope I’m going to take garlic, grapeseed, gingko and granola.” “2BAD, you sunk your casket.”
\TWISTER. “It started out as an innocent game doc, but now I have these, well… lesions.” Scrumpox (seen in rugby players) is one of several transmissible skin-to- skin diseases.
\DOMINOES. Pizza paunch leads to metabolic syndrome. Once one thing hits the tipping point the cascade begins and the rest fall soon after. Starts with abdominal fat, then sugars, then blood pressure, then cholesterol… then you.
\SNAKES AND BLADDERS. Urology reminds you to take care of your wetters.
\BALLOON LAGOON. Plastic Surgery reminds you to take care of your sweaters.
\CHECKERS: This, in fact, is what we as doctors do all freakin’ day. “Doc could you check my hornswaggles. I think they are affecting my crockinoles.”
\CHINESE CHECKERS: Hen gao xing ren shi ni hornswaggles.
\ SORRY. This column is done."; dDaveText[60] = "Once upon a time, you dressed so fine
\
You threw the bums a dime, in your prime, didn’t you
\
You used to laugh about
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Everybody that was hangin’ out
\
Now you don’t talk so loud
\
Now you don’t seem so proud
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About having to be scrounging for your next meal
\
How does it feel
\
Bob Dylan
“I’ve promised someone a gift and I need your help doc.”
\
“Sorry Bloggins but I’m all tapped out due to my poor sick mother in…”
\
“Don’t need any money, in fact I left a few shekels for you in your massive donation box at the front door where your nurse is playing the tambourine and the rubber glove.”
\
“Hey it’s been a tough year what with folks getting healthy on me. Dang flu shot.”
\
“What I gave my wife as a gift for Christmas is the promise to lose 15 pounds before Easter. I usually gain 15 pounds Easter morning so I’d like to try and break even this year.”
\
Which got me to doing some pondering about gifts. What if someone you cared about dedicated a gift to you of a personal sacrifice, a memorable token of how much you mean to them. It says, “I want to live a little longer, so you can be blessed with my presence. I don’t want to be a medical burden to you, so I give you the gift of not having to feed or clean my stroke-addled carcass, because I didn’t care enough about you to take care of myself.”
So rather than those thoughtful gifts bought Christmas Eve on the way home from work by your secretary, consider:
\
1. “As a gift to you I will give up smoking.” (For those of you who don’t smoke it would be a good idea to start smoking prior to Christmas and then promise several people you will give it up for them. Great money saver.)
2. “I am going to exercise a minimum of one hour for a full year.”
\
“But you’ve never exercised honey, that’s a lot of work.”
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“No it’s only an hour. I’m thinking about doing it in August.”
3. “Just for you kids I will have my prostate checked.”
\
“Gee thanks dad.”
\
“Hey! Don’t unwrap that just yet.”
4. “I will dedicate to you losing 5% of my body weight by your birthday.”
\
“My birthday is January 8.”
\
“2011.”
5. Give the gift of teaching compassion to your family. Show your kids that there is meaning in the personal sacrifice of your time, your means, and your energy. 17 years ago, Christina Parkhurst and her brother began to invite the less fortunate in her neighbourhood together for a Christmas that involved warmth, and all the figgy pudding that Dickens would have wanted us to have. Today her neighbourhood has expanded as she continues to invite those who are a little down and out on their luck to dinner, but that number has now swelled to 750. Last year I was one of the down and out (it’s a long story) and discovered this Christmas Spirit Community Dinner. I was stunned and touched (my mother often called me stunned and touched but this was different) at the sight of hundreds of our neighbours coming to a Community Dinner on Christmas. What shocked me and shook me was that not only were these the very obviously dispossessed, but also struggling single parents with their kids, several elderly who are lonely and poor and on their own and families who are truly destitute. A Santa’s Workshop provided Christmas for the myriad of children. Yes oodles of kids who had little to nothing to celebrate with at home, and so would come to Christina’s Christmas (interesting that both words begin with the same six letters). A remarkable home cooked dinner was accompanied by quality entertainment she had arranged. I realized, as I scrubbed turkeys and carved dishes, (often simultaneously) that this was not a charity event but rather a great time for those who may have no place to have a great time on a tough day for many people. Christina, is herself now spent financially and could do with our help this year to make this work. You won’t regret it or forget it. Don’t make me grab the tambourine and the rubber glove.
\ Christina Parkhurst, can be reached at 250-472-1040."; dDaveText[61] = "Found myself flying in a small floatplane (“OK folks check under your seat to make sure that little floating device thingy has been restocked”) complete with pontoons, earplugs, 3” wide seats usually shared with Sammy Sumo, and a single pilot (no wedding band). He is the lone pilot, the flight attendant, (coffee, tea or ocean water?) and the copilot. No other copilot in sight unless seagull feathers count. Personally I don’t know how to fly a plane that isn’t created from a folded homework assignment. So I study the pilot to make sure I have an idea of what to do should he grasp his chest mid-flight or has DB Cooper for Dummies on his dash. I envisage being talked down by Leslie “don’t call me Shirley” Nielson as I save nine passengers, and more importantly, the aircraft from flying around in circles until it runs out of gas and crashes into the salivating jaws of a nasty ocean creature or possibly Kansas. It would be somewhat more comforting to have two pilots in case one fails.
\What of our organs? We usually like to see two of things flying our single engine craft in a normal functioning human carcass. Two kidneys, two lungs, ovaries, adrenals, eyes, left feet, ears, nosehairs and of course testicles for balance.
\But do we need two? In each case the answer is no as the body has an amazing ability to compensate for the loss of one organ by increasing the capability of another.
\Kidney: In fact many of you only have one kidney without knowing it. Our piddle producers can function well with only a quarter of a kidney. Jennifer suffered from kidney failure and was in for a life of dialysis costing her many boring, life saving hours, several days a week, hooked up to a machine that cleaned her blood. Her sister who would’ve been a close match didn’t want to donate a kidney and have a scar but Jennifer’s husband stepped up and said to me, “Doc, I have two, she can have one of mine. Could stand to lose a little weight anyway. Besides this way she can stay home more often and rub my feet.” Even though he wasn’t a perfect match he was a perfect match for her.
\Ears: When one ear becomes useless we can still hear from the other just fine but aren’t able to locate the sound as easily. You might know that there is a definite noise but just not certain if it came from Aunt Mildred or the dog. Hearing aids have now become so small and accurate that they can be taken out very discreetly when staggering home from the hockey game at 3 AM.
\Eyes: Just as sound perception is distorted when one ear is shot, the lack of binocular vision can disturb our depth perception. We can see just fine with our functioning peeper but can’t tell if Stephen Harper is a cutout or in fact has some depth. Amblyopia is a condition that can be prevented/treated early on if your baby has a proper eye check. If both eyes are useless then of course you are recruited to be a referee.
\ One ovary can still produce hormones and eggs and one testicle can produce kids. Some suffer from undescended testicles at birth and have only one functioning test tickle. For locker room confidence and swagger a falsie can be surgically inserted. Of course Sumo wrestlers tuck both testicles up into the pelvis just prior to fighting or… getting on my floatplane."; dDaveText[62] = "While New Mexicoing it recently in New Mexico, I narrowly missed running over and squashing a monster sunning itself on the road, a Gila monster. Had I hit this loathsome leathery lizard and created monster mash I could have once again destroyed one of the secrets that could save mankind. “Gila” pronounced “heela” as in healing, is a less than sexy reptile that, like the less than sexy Olson twins, eats only three meals a year. I have some patients that eat three meals before breakfast. Most are now diabetic, a disease that is the product of how and how much we eat in this country. Yet Gila monsters not only don’t get diabetes but they don’t even get hungry. They have a chemical in their saliva called xenatide, no doubt discovered by a lonely southwest lad with way too much time in the desert. Like insulin this chemical stimulates cells to take sugar out of the bloodstream but stops working when the sugar is normal! Thus it only works when it is actually needed, an advantage it gives diabetics who don’t want to have their blood sugar drop too low at the wrong time, such as in the middle of the night or when dancing with Marie Osmond or her teeth.
\As a result, a new and exciting class of drugs called incretins has been spawned, thanks to the lovely lizard of Laredo. It is known as exenatide, a much more palatable name than monster mucous, and is amongst the fastest expanding medications in waist expanding North America, diabetic capital of the expanding universe, which apparently, is expanding as it should. It is also an appetite suppressant and induces weight loss. For those gumbooters who believe that only “natural” stuff can cure your lazy blood yeasts blahblahyawn, you can take joy in knowing that this medication is tantamount to swapping spit with a lizard.
\But hold your Gilas, lizard lovers. You are not to have all the glucose glory. Turns out that the skin of a South American frog secretes a compound that stimulates insulin release from the human pancreas with no side effects, unless warts bother you. Now IT is about to be made into a medication, (Fernando flakes?). Soon it may benefit diabetics to camp out at the reptile and amphibian exhibit at the local zoo just to keep their sugars in check. Snuggle down at night with a monster and a frog (gotta kiss a few to find the guy formerly known as a prince, anyway) and you could have normal blood sugars, a dream that only diabetics could appreciate.
\Not to be outdone by his disgusting cousins, a scorpion named Sid decided to get in on the action. Finding that the diabetic field was getting crowded with do-gooder lizards and Amazonian frogs, Sid focused on brain tumours. He is no ordinary run of the mill, sleep in your slippers scorpion; he is the African Death Stalker (emit low evil cackle). What a cool friggin’ nickname. “Hey look out guys! Here comes Dave the African Death Stalker!” But Sid comes by his moniker honestly, as his venom can kill a human or even mommy-dearest Kim Il Jong. His venom is remarkable as it has an affinity for the very nasty death stalking brain tumour known as a glioma. Injected directly into the brain, the venom bypasses normal brain tissue and heads right to the tumour, and with the help of a little radioactive package that the doctor has attached to it, kills the deadly glioma cells! Incredible! The cure for cancer possibly lies in the tail of a scorpion? Absolutely.
\ But wait-there are even more venom cures. There are fish loaded with pain killers, cone shells with anesthetics, ant juice that may lower blood pressure, tick stuff that may stuff heart disease and awkward looking toads that simply tickle our funny bone. Venom-designed by nature to kill us-may, in fact, keep us alive. So scorpio/spidey/snake lovers, fill your boots. Just take a glance in them before you put them on."; var dDaveArticle function swapTextDD(dDaveArticle) { document.getElementById("articleTopic").innerHTML = dDaveTopic[dDaveArticle]; document.getElementById("text").innerHTML = dDaveText[dDaveArticle]; } //==================================================================