Smoking

Some say that smoking is detrimental. Hogwash!! Frankly I can think of many reasons that smoking benefits both the smoker and society in general.

SOCIETY

1. Smoking helps rid the world of solid toxic substances like toluenes, benzenes and formaldehyde. By creating a wee burning toxic waste dump each time a fag is lit up, some 3,000 solid poisons are converted into gas and thoughtfully removed from the environment and deposited into the smokers lungs. This may save our landfills.

2. Cancer research would come to a grinding halt if everyone stopped smoking. White mice would overrun labs, mad scientists would go completely sane and start cloning Dolly Partons instead of sheep. Pocket protector factories would shut down.

3. Smoking keeps new doctors well trained. If not for smokers, young doctors in love graduating from med skools would see far less pathology. This would lead to loss of interest in medicine and many would quit and end up with some dead end job trapping white mice.

4. Decrease the overpopulation. It has been calculated that each cigarette smoked shortens life by 11 minutes. An average smoker loses 6.5 years of life and many more years of quality of life.

SMOKERS:

1. Catch less communicable diseases. People carry germs. Due to the distinkt aroma of a smokers breath, hair and pores, few people enjoy getting close enough to a smoker to transmit germs.

2. Bask in a plethora of spectral splendor as they exude a cornucopia of colour. Green sputum in the morning, a lovely yellow tinge to teeth and fingers glistening in the noonday sun, and how about the brilliant red urine from bladder cancer that only a smoker can get.

3. Get to look like Joe Chemo, …er, Camel

4. Enjoy an excellent weight loss program. With a smoker’s taste buds rendered as useless as Liberals west of Ottawa, all meals taste like cardboard and the pounds are shed. Failing that, Virginia Slims and cancer have teamed up to eat those pounds away.

5. Feel less guilty about missing bike to work week. While observing a cyclist toiling earnestly, many folks would feel inspired if not guilty about not doing the same. The smoker, however, who puffs and gasps just reaching for a lighter, is beyond the temptation of engaging in potentially harmful vigorous exercise. They just demonstrate that famous will power that addicts are known for and declare firmly “No, I’m not even tempted”.

6. Are trend setters in the world of fashion. “Delightful new fall fashion, Pierre Cardin oxygen bottles in a scintillating chiffon carrier with matching accessory tubes wrapped around the face. Note those two gorgeous prongs rammed up the nostrils. And who wouldn’t look twice at that stunning hole in your throat with a revealing metal tracheostomy.”

7. Get the best views at any restaurant. In fact, nowadays they get to sit out in the view.

8. Are wonderful role models to our youth. Hey, you thought that kids only smoked to get the neat cough with matching stained fingernails? NO! They want to be a grown up, in control… like you.

Speaking of children, some folks feel that the government is destroying health care in our country. Hogwash!!

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