Specialists

There are those who would be surprised to know that I went to Harvard, or even graduated high school for that matter. But one day, not too far from Harvard, my car which has a blue book value of about $324 (when the tank’s full of premium) got all hot and bothered and needed to cool down. So I went to Harvard and took a tour. What I learned from my days, er day at Harvard was that students here are encouraged to “know something about everything and everything about something.” Harvardonians may, for example, become experts on the theoretical uncertainty of Heisenberg’s thirty first principle but also take a course on say, squirrels.

Such is true of your medical community. GP’s know nothing much about everything and everything about hush puppies. Specialists know an awful lot about very little. Nowadays subspecialists know even more about even less. For example, a plastic surgeon may have restricted his specialty to breast reconstruction, a breastologist. An opthalmologist may only deal in problems of the left retina in diabetics between the ages of 44 and 47 and so on.

See if you can match the symptoms with the disease and then whom you might see.

1. Your pulse is fast, you are boiling hot while everyone else is in a sweater and your eyes bug out so far you make Marty Feldman salivate
2.Despite Atkins, Jenny Craig and Krispy Kreme diets you still outweigh Gabon
3. You begin to bruise at the touch of a louse hair speaking of which, your husband is now being questioned about it.
4.Six months since your car wreck and your lawyer advises you that your neck, back and earlobe pain are worse.
5.After an African safari you return home with very high fever, chills, diarrhea and enough ivory to make the piano blush.
6. Your HDL is low, your LDL is high and you eat nothing but grass cuttings.
7. You have no pulse, can’t breath and your pupils are fixed and dilated (see Liberal party)
8. You have a rash on your elbows and knees and now the joints of your hands are smokin’ and you don’t smoke joints.
9.The doctor says your prostate is lumpy and your PSA is batting 1000
10. You see floaters and spiders and haven’t done mushrooms in years.

A. Malaria
B. Psoriatic arthritis
C. Morbid obesity
D. Hyperthyroidism
E. Vitreous detachment
F. Familial hyperlipidemia
G. Chronic pain syndrome
H. Prostate cancer
I. Death
J. Idiopathic thrombocytopenia

I. Radiation oncologist
II. Retinal surgeon
III. Bariatric surgeon
IV. Rheumatologist
V. Pathologist
VI. Physiatrist
VII. Hematologist
VIII. ID specialist (Infectious disease)
IX. Lipidologist
X. Endocrinologist

SCORE:
9-10 – you are GP material
4-8 – you are specialist material
0-3 – don’t get sick

ANSWERS:
1-D-X
2-C-III
3-J-VII
4-G-VI
5-A-VIII
6-F-IX
7-I-V
8-B-IV
9-H-I
10-E-II

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